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I'm a local celeberity. I'm the king of my university, among students from 11 divisions of my country. Since I was very very young, my mom always teach me not to have interest in girls. She said u can be friends but never love a girl. My brother used to make joke that I'm in love with a girl. At that time, mom scolded him. I had to be angry with my bro becoz if I didn't, I was scolded too. It's all because of my dad. He's dating and having sex with my mom's best friends. Mom hates him. So, she always told me, "u must not be like him, control urself". We r asian. My mom and grandma taught me and my sis together how to live politely. But it depress my male nature. Playing football, going outside even for 30 minutes except school, playing games, all sports. Everything they taught me is art and reading. Gradually I'm scared of boys. I feel shy whenever I'm infront of boys. Most of my friends r girls. I live like a girl throughout my life. My sis make me wear her clothes. At first, I denied. Mom knew that and my sis was scolded. She cried. I didn't want them sad. I can't sleep well at night from primary to high school, nearly 8 years because everynight my dad beat my mom. I can't get sleep n passed most of the nights crying. Today, I become a gay. I hate girls. Once, I loved a girl in 9th grade. I was so scared my mom would know that. To me, it's a sin worth to death. Later, she loves with one of my friends. Now I can't make myself interested in girls. I like guys. I have had 3 boyfriends. They all r straight. But I also learnt how to attract a guy from my sis and my homemates. So, I could make these guys my bf. In my country, there's no place for gays. They think gays r just a shame for nation, gays r not to be regarded as a human. What should I do? I tried to have a gf at 18. But even while I was trying, I felt like a criminal. I know trying to get gf is just normal. But I can't feel that way. Now I enjoy being gay. But my brain tell me, "u must not be" while my heart says," just release all ur feelings, don't try to hide it.". I'm so confused and I tried to suicide twice. I admit I don't wanna die. But my thoughts force me. I'm a sinner. I used to cry atleast 4 times a week for 3 years. Also, I'm popular, I'm so scared someone would notice me. I'm confused, anxious, depressed and sad all the time. I can't either go foreign. By the way, my ambition is to be an actor, not to be a doctor. But they force me. I really want to escape this life. My mom is an asthma patient and has heart disease. Suicide my self can also make her die. So, I found no way out. What should I do? Sorry if my post so long and if there is wrong spelling. I'm bad in english.

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Denying who you are will make you miserable; and revealing who you are may ruin your life as you know it.  My friend, you are not alone in the world.  I am so sorry you are having to endure this kind of pain.  I would start by seeking out others like you, probably online as you said being gay is not accepted in your country.  It would probably be very helpful to talk to other people who know exactly how you feel.  It could offer you some strength, and help you answer some of your own questions. 

I hope that you get more replies to your post from others, but in the interim—what country do you live in?  Maybe I can help find you some support.

S.
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Thank u friend. I'm from south east asia. I can't tell details coz someone from my region can notice me. I'm the only one in my country.
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Seek a support group or counselor in your area. You have to be comfortable with who you are before you come out. But hiding it forever will only make you miserable and make you miss out. Once you're out, you're out. It might be a struggle at all sorts of different times, encountering prejudice and such, but if you are comfortable in your skin you will be okay with that. If your mom's approval means a lot to you, you should work on being comfortable so you can tell her. Maybe start by suggesting at it vaguely so she isn't taken too off-guard and surprised. But your mother will still love you, even if she doesn't take the news well.

Also, just wanted to say that in my country and in my eyes, and in what I fully believe is true: You are not a sinner. You are doing no wrong. Everyone is created equal, and some are created gay. That shouldn't be a thing or an issue at all. Being gay shouldn't even really be a phrase, you're a human being, just like everybody else. You're just being a human being that is interested in the same gender as your own. I see nothing wrong with that. Don't be so down on yourself about it. Learn to accept yourself. Being gay is just as okay as being straight. And I'm sorry you had to grow up in a place where that isn't the mindset.

Best of luck!

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