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I know this is long but please please please read it I really need help. Thank you.

Hi, so basically, my problem is that I am completely withdrawn from romance. What I mean by that is that, as someone towards the end of her teenage years, I have never, and I mean, never, had even the tiniest crush on a guy in my life. I know that I'm not lesbian, I've thought about it and I'm sure I'm straight.

 

I've never really thought about why, but I have rejected over 5 guys (as far as I can remember) these 3 years, and I have never had a crush on a guy. I've been starting to think about it as most of my friends are in a happy relationship, and it wasn't hard for them to start crushing on a guy. Whenever a guy makes advances towards me, I automatically become cold and emotionless, subconsciously rejecting any romantic advances made towards me.

I think it could be due to my being molested thrice by different people. Once when I was 11, 12 and then 16. They were all different people.

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FIRST ONE

I never told anyone about my molestations.

The first time, I had gone to a friend's house without my parent's permission, but I told my mother when she called to ask where I was. My friend and I were at a playground and because I was on the phone, I stood at the corner, with my back facing a pavement.

Then, someone just grabbed my butt. It was really rough, and he spread his fingers as far as possible and managed to touch my entire bum and his middle finger even reached my vagina. I can vividly remember his back view. He was wearing a pink polo tee and blue jeans. Probably in his 20s.

Needless to say, I was deeply traumatized. I hung up on my mother and just stood rooted to the spot I was standing. I didn't tell because I have always felt it was my fault for going to my friend's house in the first place and also for just standing there, feeling traumatized like some little fool.

Suffice to say, I feel that it was my fault for letting the incident take place anyway.

SECOND

I had barely put it behind me when a year later, when I was 12, someone in my family touched me when I was pretending to be asleep. Twice, actually. On two consecutive nights, he removed my panties and poked(?) my vagina. I called the police and he was taken away. But then my family was so distraught and my mother hated me. She cursed me and hit me. I couldn't take it so I told the police that I was lying. I was still young so all I got was a strict warning.

Later, he admitted his mistake and apologized very sincerely and he sincerely tried to mend our relationship and be my best friend. Of course, he never did it again. I have forgiven him but I can't forget what he did to me.

I don't ever bring this up for fear that I will throw my family in a mess again.

THIRD

Third was when I was 16, I was with 2 friends walking to a karaoke when a guy (whom I vividly remember wearing a white tee and black bermudas probably in his very late teens) walked past me and pinched my bum. It was the least severe one but it managed to pull out the 2 traumatic childhood incidents. I couldn't speak (again) and neither could I move. I had only managed to turn around to catch his back view.

Only my 2 friends know of this incident. When I finally got my voice back, I told my best friend, who then asked me who it was and she was angry. She tried to identify him but failed. She told me to scream if it ever happened again. I never told my family.

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I feel that I was responsible for all three incidents, because I could have screamed. I could have informed authorities. Anything. But I didn't. Furthermore, I felt that even if I told my parents they would scold me for being so stupid and not doing anything about it on the spot.

I don't know if anyone understands the kind of trauma I was dealing with each time each of these incidents occurred. I know it may seem like a minor thing, but believe me, I was pretty deeply traumatized, and my heart really goes out to all those who've had it worse than me.

 

Ever since the first 2 incidents, I've been afraid of socializing, I've become too shy, I've been afraid of being in the spotlight, public speaking. I don't make friends easily at all, much less guy friends. All my guy friends are actually pretty feminine, even gay, which is the only reason I'm comfortable around them at all.

I have never felt affection towards a guy, and I treat most guys very very coldly (subconsciously) and I think this is very abnormal. Can someone please tell me if this is a result of my past experiences?

Also, how do I get over these incidents? I've really tried, but I can't. To me, every guy who walks past me is a perv. I've tried going to a counselor myself but it worked for awhile and the flashbacks just keep happening whenever I go too near a guy. Please advise. 

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dear steph,ur story is quiet tragic,well let me tell u alitle abt mine,mine molestation stred wen i was around 15,it was a neighbour and de only friend i had in ma hood. jux lyk u i ddnt scream or tell ma family,he wuld reach out and touch ma breast and de more i struggle to get maself out de more he pressed on stupidly enugh i still talked to him,it continued 4 a while and it got to a point wen i culd hardly touch maself or evn socialize all de same i pressed on because i didnt want to live ma lyf been in a trauma.  Ma nitemares strted jux last yr wen i was raped by a 35yr old man,2weeks later ma ex lover did de same to me wen i run to him 4 comfort with all dis am still dating.         Let me tell u smetin wen u want to live ur life always reflecting on wat pple av done to u,u will neva be hapi  as heard as it is try nd and befrind de nxt guy dat comes around u,go out  4 walks dey reli help.and pray to GOD to help u if u are a christ if u aint strt going to church nd followship der u will find so many pple der who will help u wit ur problm.       pls dnt mind de way i write am jux used to de shorthands down here hope u undastand wat i av written

 

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Dear Steph,
I commend your bravery for sharing this story. It's true that your past can mess up your relationship with sex. However, the first thing you have to do is stop believing the lie that it's your fault. It's not. You cannot blame yourself for what happened to you. The second thing is even harder than the first: you have to forgive your attackers. I know that seems impossible, but I can assure you it's not, and that once you come to forgive, your heart will be freed. Phlaming Phoenix Lyttle is right about God. He can make it all stop hurting, if you let Him. If you accept Jesus' death as payment for all your sins, all you will have to do is ask God to heal you, and He will. The feeling of being healed is amazing. You suddenly feel free, and all the memories are still there, but they don't hurt you any more; they're nothing more than scars, ugly, but not painful. Not being able to talk to your family about it is also really hard. What worked for me was creating my own family of Christians who I could talk to about my problems. Find a mature (female) Christian to talk to, and she will be able to help you better than anyone on the internet. Also, don't worry so much about romance. You don't need a boyfriend or a crush to give you worth, God defines your value, and it is very great. Someday, He will send the perfect man for you, who will be gentle, and someone you can trust, but until then, don't chase after heartbreak and hurt.
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Steph,

I've gone through the same thing as you in your second experience. I'm still trying to get over it despite the fact that it happened in December. I try to block it out but it's not that easy, unfortunately. I like to keep myself occupied, whether it be with work, or buying myself something new and exciting. This way, I don't have time to remember any of that. I hope this helps :)

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Hi to steph and anyone who readd this who has been sexually assaulted as a child. The most important thing to know is that it is never your fault. Never. I went for years believing I was at fault and feeling the shame of that, but no child asks for it or wants it to happen. These perpetrators are preditors. They prey on the young and the vulnerable. Children often can't fight back. They are overwhelmed and over powered. For years I felt guilty because I didn't fight him off or say NO. But he was bigger and stronger and more powerful than me. I was just a little girl. Innocent. no one had ever hurt me before and I was totally confused and terrified. These are all normal reactions for children. But as we grow up we are hard on our child self, expecting her to act like an adult might have in the same situation. So we treat our child self harshly. We judge her, blame her and shame her. We hate her for not protecting herself. Us. But she did the best she could. We need to forgive her. That is one of the first steps to healing. Write a letter to your childhood self and tell her how you feel about her. Tell her that you love her. It will make all the difference. The trauma of childhood sexual assault can run very deep. But healing is possible. Therapy can be really helpful, especially if your therapist is highly experienced in helping the survivors of childhood sexual assault. I was really lucky. My therapist was amazing and has made a huge difference to my life. just know that healing is hard, but it is possible and it is never too late. I was assaulted when I was 11 and didn't get therapy until I was in my 40s. I wish I had done it earlier, although I had blacked out the memories until my mid twenties, and when they came up I didn't realise what a profound impact it had had on my life. I just went through life feeling disconnected and weird and different. Therapy has changed all that, even after all this time. So if you are a survivor forgive your childhood self. Imagine she is your own precious child and be gentle, loving and nuturing towards her. With love and best wishes
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dear survivor, steph,

you are the victim of incest, and I believe that that is the hardest thing that you will have to overcome. Not only did your trusted family member use you for his sexual pleasure, but your mom also betrayed you by hitting you,7 calling you names, yelling at you etc  when you did the right thing by calling the police to protect yourself.  Of course you assumed your mother would above anyone , rush to your aide to fight for you and protect you as well, instead you were called a liar. I am 48 years old Stephanie, and i have been in the mental health system since I was 17 because of things like this that happened to me that happened before I had a voice. I am only now brave enough to face the truth. But you are,  so brave, you know the truth already.You are a victim of the man who touched you and of your mom, like many incest victims. You need to find a counselor who specializes in a field like this, childhood or adolescent trauma, or sexual abuse. Also, most teenagers don't know anything at all about romance. A whole lot of adults don't either.  When I was your age I sure didn't have a crush on any of the teenagers in my school.  Or any of the heart throbs on TV or the movies.  I told everybody I was in love with Carl Sagan. ( the Cosmos guy, he was already old in the 80's) They laughed but that was ok. Still a good choice. Enjoy your teenage years and get help at the same time. You will be a dynamic person.

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