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So, to start off, I am 19 and only had one boyfriend and that was over four years ago. Since then, I've managed to spook off every guy I was friends with. We'd talk like every day, or almost everyday, then I accidentally say/do something to spook him off and he stopped talking to me. Cold turkey.

If you've read some of my previous posts, you'll see that I've recently become "sexually aware." Which is great. I have no problem getting myself off, but I would kinda like to share my excursions with someone else. But I have a problem....I freeze up around guys, especially around the ones I find especially attractive. And, because of my past, I am afraid that when (because I do want kids, several years into the future) I do become intimate with a male that I'll have flashbacks and be scared off sex for a while. And, well, I'm a bit self-conscience about my body. I've never been a Barbie Doll type. But I've also heard that guys don't really care about body size, but the personality/person. 

Also, I know one guy is very interested in me, but he's a older than I am. I know age is but a number, but it might bother me to lose my virginity to an older man. I know it's happened before, but not to me. He lives on the other side of the country, but his work requires him to travel a lot to my home state. He's suggested us meeting before, and I've thought about it. Still not sure what to do. I know he likes me for me, and I do like him too. But I'd much prefer to make love for the first time, not just have sex. Know what I mean jellybean? On the other hand, he's helped me grow up quite a bit, and me be comfortable in my own skin. I'm not as concerned about my weight as I used to be, but it still bothers me a little. 

And to make things more complicated, we met online. We have had exchanged IMs, and e-mails and that's worked out alright. I just can't figure out what to do. I can't keep putting off meeting without a good reason.

Then there's the issue of I'm in college, with lots of other college guys. I don't really believe in two (physical) partners at the same time. Though he has said that if I do find a "turned on college male" to occupy my time, he'd still be there to offer guidance.

I guess I need help figuring out what to do about all this. I'd talk to my friends about it all, but...I embarrass easily. It's much easier for me to type things out than to have face to face human contact.

I know this is almost a short story, but I've got a lot on my mind.

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Hi camogirlvet, there is a lot in your post so ill try to answer one thong at a time. First, your weight. Most guys don't care as much as women think they do. Of course that is individual. My ex-husband preferred skinny women (which I'm not) and I felt really body conscious around him. I'm not that big, just the upper end of the healthy weight range. my current partner loves voluptuous women. His ex was slim and he found it really unappealing. He loves my curves. There will be men who love you for you, and who live your curves. As for feeling nervous around people you find attractive, that is so normal. Almost everyone goes through it, and it doesn't matter how old you are. When my partner asked me out he was as nervous as a 15 year old school boy, and he was 46 at the time and had asked a few people out over the years and rarely bern turned down. But it makes you feel very vulnerable and then you get nervous and self concious. about the older man versus college guy question, that us really only a question you can answer. I would just suggest that a relationship with someone your own age is likely to be less complicated. It does, of course, depend on the person. But I think you are right, sex is much more fulfilling with someone you love. And there is also the question of why you are attracted to an older man. This may be hard to read but are you looking for the love that you didn't get from your father in this man. I hope I haven't been too presumptuous. But given your past (I have read your previous posts) I was wondering. That's not uncommon. Also, you are worried about having a flashback during sex. Sexual abuse, particularly in childhood, can have long lasting effects on your mental health and ability to form relationships, including PTSD. I am speaking as a survivor of childhood sexual assault. May I suggest that you seek help from a psychologist who specialises in working with survivors of childhood sexual assault. It is never too late and although difficult it can make a huge difference to your life and help you in forming solid relationships. I got counselling for my abuse recently and it has been life changing. As you are at college your college counselling service should be able to help. and I have told both my ex husband and my current partner about the abuse and they have both been incredibly supportive. So have my friends who I have told. I wish you all the best in your journey. The things that happened to you as a child should never have happened. but with the right help and support you can live a fulfilling life with wonderful relationships. Take care and feel free to ask me anything you need to
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9706 posts
Hiya :-)
There is nothing wrong with you as a person and it shouldn't make any difference what you say to a guy if he really likes you and cares about you then nothing will put him off no matter what you say or do, the same goes for appearance doesn't matter what size you are people shouldn't judge you for that reason as it the personality and the love in there heart that counts, looks and size can change many times in life but the other will always remain the same.
As for your past when you find the right guy who cares about you he will understand if you explain things and will be willing to take things slowly an when you feel ready.
I know its something that your always going to have at the back of your mind what has happened and there will always be that fear your going to freeze up at first touch but if you trust your partner come clean to them abouts what's happened in your past and I'm sure they will understand :-)
Now as for this other guy, I know what you mean about you want to make love and not have just casual sex but do you also want to loose it to a guy that you just chat to online and would only see once in a while?
To me that would feel strange that would I just be giving him sex when he comes to town but that just my view on it.
If it was of I would rather wait until I found someone I love and that loved me an all my problems and wanted to be with of all the time.
The first time with someone you really love and that feels the same about you is something your always remember it will all most stick in your mind like an anniversary.
My advice would be to think long and hard about it hun :-)
I hope this helps and helps you reach a decision.
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Thank you both for your inputs.

I have been considering talking to a professional about my past, but like I've stated before, my one on one interactions aren't the best. My mother and grandmother took my brother and I to a child counselor when we were younger (I was about 5-7 yrs old when we stopped going and he's a yr and a half younger than I am). That seemed to really help us forget it. But the body remembers things the mind doesn't. But there's also the cost issue...I'm going to be in college for atleast another 6 yrs, in order to get a doctorate. I need to save all I can now so I don't have a lot of student loans to pay off later.

So, say I do want to end things with my online friend....How would I go about doing that in a manner that won't offend him?

I want to be completely available to the college guys around me...And I know that online sharing can be dangerous, though I'm not currently getting that vibe.

 

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9706 posts
Hiya, you don't have to finish talking to him all together just cut down how much you talk then if you do find a college guy to fill your time he won't feel shut out all of a sudden.
As for the counseling I would say it can be more helpful when your older than when your young or that's what I found anyway, I had it when I was around 10 when my mother died but never found it helpful but I went again when I was 19 for the same thing and found it a great help.
Its really a case of do you think it will help you any more and the cost of it though. :-)
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