Okay so I'm a little worried because I'm experiencing something for the second time in my second serious relationship- finding it mildly frightening. I'm 20 years old, my first serious long-term relationship was when I was 18 (2 years) - he was a great guy, we just did not get along. I find that I suppose I'm incredibly dependent on other people for my emotional well-being. In the beginning I'd find a guy I like and be a completely different person, strong and independent usually why I attract a similar type sometimes. But as I get closer to someone emotionally and sexually I get more and more frightened. Now the problem is that it turns to tears and anxiety. This was the reason my last boyfriend and I broke up - he had done a thing or two to upset me, really in retrospective nothing too big but it stuck with me and for the end of our relationship I had lost trust, I was always crying and feeling unhappy and down. I'd throw tantrums and though he told me he loved me over and over and was always there I just felt alone and could never stop crying. I was even depressed at times and it really affected my school work and other social relationships. I became really withdrawn and isolated. We broke up over the summer and I had a great summer (emotionally wise) I felt free and happy and hopeful again. I met another great guy a couple months later, and it was sweet and fun and now about 6 months later I'm experiencing the same feelings, when he leaves I cry (after he's gone). Sometimes I worry about him cheating on me or when he is around I'm constantly stressed out if he's happy with me or not I'm always putting on a great face but when I'm alone sometimes I just break down and I have had days of just being down in bed or sad, I cried once infront of him, when he was leaving so I made it look like it was that, which upset me. But I can't help but feel like it's something more. Sometimes when I start crying I just can't stop and I feel like my body is going to break down and I get really really nervous.
I'm scared too because the guy I'm with currently is not very communicative, my last boyfriend was. Which I though might be better for me because I felt like too much was said at times between me and my ex, but I'm finding the lack of communication not helping the fact that I need reassurance at times.
I know this has nothing to do with this guy or that guy or any guy, I know that at least in some part my issue of attachment comes from my past. (my father was emotionally abusive towards my mother and very absent from my childhood) My parents are also very, extremely conservative which sometimes puts a lot of pressure on me which I felt like moving away would solve, and it has to a certain extent but also made my relationships with them more distant.
I just feel incredibly alone and I know people say talk to a friend, but I've tried and I feel like I can't at times and it's more than that I just need to get rid of this constant fear. I feel like I have so much fear and it's suffocating the person I am and could be. I don't know what to do. I don't know why I'm happy at times and unhappy at others the reasons escape me and I'm tired of reasoning things out. I'm tired of covering up and especially in this relationship I don't want to have to feel like this person's happiness is more important than mine - but I'm afraid of telling him about all of this because I don't want to frighten him or scare him, and also I do really love him, but it might be a lot for someone to handle. What do I do? Where do I go?