effect of child molestation on relationships, getting over child molestation. please help..

I know this is long but please please please read it I really need help. Thank you.

Hi, so basically, my problem is that I am completely withdrawn from romance. What I mean by that is that, as someone towards the end of her teenage years, I have never, and I mean, never, had even the tiniest crush on a guy in my life. I know that I'm not lesbian, I've thought about it and I'm sure I'm straight.

I've never really thought about why, but I have rejected over 5 guys (as far as I can remember) these 3 years, and I have never had a crush on a guy. I've been starting to think about it as most of my friends are in a happy relationship, and it wasn't hard for them to start crushing on a guy. Whenever a guy makes advances towards me, I automatically become cold and emotionless, subconsciously rejecting any romantic advances made towards me.

I think it could be due to my being molested thrice by different people. Once when I was 11, 12 and then 16. They were all different people.

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FIRST ONE

I never told anyone about my molestations.

The first time, I had gone to a friend's house without my parent's permission, but I told my mother when she called to ask where I was. My friend and I were at a playground and because I was on the phone, I stood at the corner, with my back facing a pavement.

Then, someone just grabbed my butt. It was really rough, and he spread his fingers as far as possible and managed to touch my entire bum and his middle finger even reached my vagina. I can vividly remember his back view. He was wearing a pink polo tee and blue jeans. Probably in his 20s.

Needless to say, I was deeply traumatized. I hung up on my mother and just stood rooted to the spot I was standing. I didn't tell because I have always felt it was my fault for going to my friend's house in the first place and also for just standing there, feeling traumatized like some little fool.

Suffice to say, I feel that it was my fault for letting the incident take place anyway.

SECOND

I had barely put it behind me when a year later, when I was 12, someone in my family touched me when I was pretending to be asleep. Twice, actually. On two consecutive nights, he removed my panties and poked(?) my vagina. I called the police and he was taken away. But then my family was so distraught and my mother hated me. She cursed me and hit me. I couldn't take it so I told the police that I was lying. I was still young so all I got was a strict warning.

Later, he admitted his mistake and apologized very sincerely and he sincerely tried to mend our relationship and be my best friend. Of course, he never did it again. I have forgiven him but I can't forget what he did to me.

I don't ever bring this up for fear that I will throw my family in a mess again.

THIRD

Third was when I was 16, I was with 2 friends walking to a karaoke when a guy (whom I vividly remember wearing a white tee and black bermudas probably in his very late teens) walked past me and pinched my bum. It was the least severe one but it managed to pull out the 2 traumatic childhood incidents. I couldn't speak (again) and neither could I move. I had only managed to turn around to catch his back view.

Only my 2 friends know of this incident. When I finally got my voice back, I told my best friend, who then asked me who it was and she was angry. She tried to identify him but failed. She told me to scream if it ever happened again. I never told my family.

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I feel that I was responsible for all three incidents, because I could have screamed. I could have informed authorities. Anything. But I didn't. Furthermore, I felt that even if I told my parents they would scold me for being so stupid and not doing anything about it on the spot.

I don't know if anyone understands the kind of trauma I was dealing with each time each of these incidents occurred. I know it may seem like a minor thing, but believe me, I was pretty deeply traumatized, and my heart really goes out to all those who've had it worse than me.

Ever since the first 2 incidents, I've been afraid of socializing, I've become too shy, I've been afraid of being in the spotlight, public speaking. I don't make friends easily at all, much less guy friends. All my guy friends are actually pretty feminine, even gay, which is the only reason I'm comfortable around them at all.

I have never felt affection towards a guy, and I treat most guys very very coldly (subconsciously) and I think this is very abnormal. Can someone please tell me if this is a result of my past experiences?

Also, how do I get over these incidents? I've really tried, but I can't. To me, every guy who walks past me is a perv. I've tried going to a counselor myself but it worked for awhile and the flashbacks just keep happening whenever I go too near a guy. Please advise.