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Hi, everyone.

I would just like to ask a bit of advice on what may be the best plan of action with my father.

First, I'll give you the lowdown on the problem.

He has always been like this but ever since this past few years he's gotten so much worse and I just can't take it anymore.

He blames every one of my family when he can't find anything or something like this happens. He verbally abuses us to some extent and hurts my feelings greatly because he is like it every single day.

We have situations where we are actually sitting at the dinner table...dinner is supposed to be enjoyable but I just don't always enjoy it as he, again, has to ruin it by making a stupid or nasty comment to one of us. It has resulted in fights and all that at some points as it is just not something I tolerate so I refuse to back down to him and surrender as that means he's won and I don't want to give him the privelage of that at all ever...He doesn't deserve it.

I help him and he never ever thanks me and I just wonder why I bother with him. I've been trying to please him and prove myself to him since I was a kid as he's always said to me that I'll never get a job or be successful in studies, etc because he likes to bring people down from what I've gathered. He's a waste of time to be honest in my opinion. I'd have left home a long time ago if I could've but on top of all this I'm also disabled due to my spine problem and now a bladder problem. He took the **** out of me when I told him I had to have urodynamics/bladder studies test to find out what is wrong with my bladder. He has absolutely no compassion whatsoever and he then goes on to say about other people with him that they don't have any compassion anymore. I'm thinking "well why should they when you treat them with absolutely no compassion either?" It's as if he just never can get into the real world and actually understand himself and how much he actually hurts his family. I know it's only verbal abuse at the moment but it can certainly be quick to change to physical if he wanted to. Verbal abuse or any kind of nasty comments day in day out hurt just as bad as physical abuse.

I also had a situation where he told me that the money that I was bringing in was "**** all" He didn't consider that it was actually good to be bringing anything in at all in these times of need. So much for helping a daughter's confidence! That just made me feel like ****.

Then another situation, again, one that shattered my love and trust in him, was when he basically 'stole' from my room! My own father stealing from MY room! I feel like nothing is safe anymore. I just want to get away from him.

Again, another situation, was when I needed healthcare badly and would've had to wait for ages to get treatment and my mom said that she didn't want me to suffer any longer. He refused to help her to pay for the treatment so that I could get it faster and he told me and my mom to "**** off" because we had a massive argument. Me and my mom decided to drive off in the car and go for a ride for a while to 'cool off' and get some 'quiet time' to think about it. I cried all day and for a bit after that as I felt so worthless after that.

I don't feel safe around him. I feel like he certainly wouldn't hesitate to hurt any member of my family physically.

He is so unpredictable and so two-faced as he also talks about each of us with derogatory comments to other people and also tries to 'play us off against each other' by bringing each family member down or lying about what one has said to the other so that the other gets angry with the other and so on...

It's as if it's some sort of game to him. An immature one at that in my opinion.

I find it strange how when I passed my exams with good grades at college he was pleased for me (or so that is what he said anyway...) and now he is apparently so superior to everyone in my family. I just don't get it. I may not have as high up qualifications as him (I've got level 3) but that doesn't mean that he has to make me feel so low and insignificant...He does this to my other family members too, not just me. Basically I think it is a form of bullying - family bullying.

My mom is also fed up with it and can't stand it much longer either and we are both contemplating on leaving to start a new life without him. I can't wait really, as I'm just so tired of the constant treading around eggshells thing every day. It gets so tiring. We haven't told him that we are thinking of leaving him but to be honest I wouldn't want to as I don't trust that he wouldn't hurt us then out of anger so I don't want to even give him my address either.

Today I had another incident with him while my mom and sister were out. I helped him to get our dog in from off the front garden so that I could open the gates, only to find that he'd actually locked the gates so I asked him for the keys as I didn't know where they were and he started to moan for nothing at me and I didn't understand what he was moaning about or for. He said in these exact words "I don't know. There's no rest for me is there?" and then he said to help look after the dog (I'd already been there done that and got him in) and I said "I've got him in" and then he began to get riled and said something of which I can't remeber as it was that nasty in an aggressive manner. I just shouted something back at him and walked off as I was sick of him already to be honest. He says there's no rest for him? never mind him, what about me?! Blimey! He was the one that never even bothered to help us do much of the Christmas decorating and sat up a corner doing nothing...

The one summer he had the stupidest nerve ever to say to my mom that "she doesn't do anything"! She does the most out of anybody in our family for goodness sake! Why can't he see that? She cooks, cleans, does housework...etc...I overheard this argument and it wasn't pretty at all. I overheard it through an open window in the house while they were both sitting outside. That day I could've told him what I thought of him but decided not to as I didn't want to upset my mom even more as she was extremely upset for some time after that, she still is.

I have to say, I have always had the best relationship with my mom rather than my dad for this reason alone. He's never been consistant in his mental state. It scares me to be honest. It really hurt me to hear about what he'd said to my mom countless times. He has said other things about her.

The other thing me and my mom has now noticed too is that when I and him have had an argument and I tell my mom the nasty things he's said to me and how it happened in the first place, he then comes in to talk to her after I've gone and tells her the total opposite, twisting it around (lying in other words so that I am the one that gets told off). I noticed this straight away and that was also something I thought he was disgraceful for. If he's doing this to my mom then what could he potentially be telling other people?

I've considered he has some sort of psychiatric mental problem and have nearly thought of taking him to the doctor to see what he/she could do to stop this very depressing and aggravating problem for our family to get some relief from it.

I don't know if any of you may have had any similar experiences or have any advice but if you do, please could you let me know. I'd be very grateful as I feel so down and fed up of the hassle he is causing me and my family.

Also, Happy New Year to you all!

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I would definitely say your father has a mental condition and should have him assessed. However this would cause problems in it self as i'm sure you can imagine. He *might* have Histrionic Personality Disorder. But obviously don't take my word on that as i only googled a few things.

You have to think about your self and your family as well as him. If he is having a detrimental effect then you seriously have to consider drastic action such as assessments of his mental health for all your sakes.

Sorry i cant provide anything else, it's all i can think of.

Good luck.
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Oh it could be Antisocial Personality Disorder as well
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Hi, Ian Last and thank you for your help and advice. :-)

Sorry I've took so long to post.

I have thought on many occasions in getting him assessed but I know it would cause problems as he sees himself as perfect and says that he hasn't got a problem and says that his family members are the ones with the problems! I've no idea how I'd ever be able to get him to get assessed as he'd immediately refuse it.

He thinks he's above all of us family members so he certainly won't go with the idea of getting assessed as this is an example; my mom booked him an appointment to get his ears tested yet he refused even though he clearly has a hearing problem as he deafens all of us with the volume of the DVD player or TV or even music. Basically he and mom then had one huge argument which yes, he started, as usual.

I am certainly considering moving out as today, though only a small thing, has really got me to the end of my tether with him. Below is what happened today;

He butts in and watches my every move as if ready to pounce on anything that he thinks he will be able to comment on in a derogatory way as usual.

Yep, it was when I was counting and he took the mick and said "you wouldn't be any good at counting money out!" undermining me as per usual like he has always done since I was little. He basically thinks I am stupid and has to point this out in such a nasty way and I don't know why to be honest. I passed my exams with distinctions yet he still thinks I'm stupid?

It's as if he has a bad confidence problem inside that he is too scared to show as he makes himself out to be all macho and perfect, as usual. The only other thing I can think of is that he does it for fun as he's bored and this is the only way he sees he can occupy himself, most likely.

When I start to have a go at him over it he gets all weird and walks out on me, saying "Let's go, I've got things to do." Seems he has more important things than me. I mean nothing to him which makes me feel really happy and loved (not).

It's as if he walks out to avoid getting into trouble and to avoid me getting really nasty back at him as I'm at the end of my tether with him and certainly will not tolerate his disgusting and appalling sort of behaviour.

He also thinks I've got nothing to do and takes me for granted by lumping me with his stuff when I've got studying to do and he never rewards me for it. He just doesn't seem to be in connection with the real world anymore.

To be honest I can't wait to get away from him. Away from my own father...
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Listen, I have read your post and I realised that I have a very similar situation at home. Just letting you know that your not alone.
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