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Hey, I'm getting desperate here, I'm a 23 year old that is worried about her 22 year old boyfriend. Firstly, this will be long, but I need advice badly. I have been good friends with my boyfriend for 3 years now, throughout that time I've seen him drink alone til he passes out on a regular occasion, I've had him tell me stories of black outs, where he's woken up with blood on his wall and clothes and not known why or what happened. He's found things written in his hand writing that he doesn't recall nor make sense to him. At the time I overlooked most of this because he told me so rarely, and he was just a friend.

He'd liked me straight away, but it took me over a year to fall for him, we got closer and closer until we realised there was something magical between us, the first kiss we had; he was shaking. We spent 3 months together before he freaked out and dumped me via a txt. His friends telling me they were concerned about him, that he didn't seem in a good place. I took our break up hard as I truly loved him and I'd left a 2 and a half year relationship for him, with this I took the usual route of no communication, but he'd try and talk to me, usually when he'd had a drink, and he'd accuse me of wanting other people anyway. One night he got particularly drunk and poured his heart out to me over msn at how he couldn't recall his childhood, that he knows he pushes people away but he can't stop it and he's doomed forever. He passed out and nothing was ever mentioned about that conversation again. Our on/off talking continued until he was convinced I was seeing his friend (who I wasn't, but I had run into at the pub), again weeks of on/off talking, him wanting to meet up, and then we left for university. He cancelled coming to see me, and I ended up moving on and getting with someone else. 2 months into my new relationship, and my ex once again drunkenly made angry comments at me at how I was happy, and he was dependent on alcohol, and was back smoking and on anti-depressants. The next day he apologised claiming to still love me (something he denied up until this point), we got back talking and realised our feelings for each other were still there, still strong. By another 2 months I had got back with him. At first it was amazing, he opened up like never before, he had no problem saying he wanted to be with me forever, he had a few nights of drunkeness and then apologising. But in the past month he changed again, he has important exams and blamed them but instead of sticking to the heavy revision plan he created, he got wasted, embarrassing himself and not telling me (I found out through his friends informing me), this time our relationship is long distance as we're at different universities, but the last weekend I saw him he was so drunk he passed out during sex and fell off the bed. A few nights ago, again he was hammered, he came online and spouted nasty things at me about how he didnt want me, or love me, and made completely hurtful comments about loving 'titties' and other female parts instead. I didn't speak to him for 2 days, expecting an apology, finally I gave in and txted him but his only reply was 'whatever, i'm not gonna argue with an exam in the morning, have this one with yourself.'

Basically I'm at a loss, his drinking is ridiculous, he's already tried to stay sober for me when we got back together as he admitted it was causing problems and he didn't want to hurt me. His personalities when drunk vary between a extremely paranoid and insecure boy who accuses me of not loving him nor wanting him, or extremely angry about the state of the world and politics - this to the point i've seen him get so worked up he sheds a tear -, and then there is this perverted, nasty side that seems to hate me. As we're long distance now I'm never sure how much he drinks, but I know he can't just have one, he will drink everything he has til he passes out and then if he wakes up still drunk, he'll continue drinking til he passes out again.

So here I am at a loss, completely in love with this person, aware of some of his problems and aware of a part of him that loves me deeply. He's cried at me about how he treated me last year, and he's told me when sober I was the most important thing in his life. But now I'm facing him walking away again, as though his feelings for me don't exist. I just need some guidance as to if this is something as simple as a fear of commitment, or if he has some underlying problem, all I know is alcohol plays a massive part in this, and I know you can't make him change unless he wants to, and I also know the best thing for me is to leave, but all I'm wanting is some help so I can make the correct decision. I love him with every part of my soul, and I did fully believe we had potential to go for the long-haul, when he puts his barrier down for a second, I can see clearly how he feels for me in his eyes, but that isn't enough when he's pushing me away, and drinking again.

I'm sorry if this is an incorrect place to post this, it's just when I think to our problems, alcohol is the main cause of them all. ANY help would be appreciated more than you know.

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got to ALAnon meeting
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Wow. Old post and it's been a year since it was written. I hope you have sought wise counsel. Having spent 9 years on an emotional roller coaster nightmare with an alcoholic, who was either treating me like a queen, cheating on me, physically beating me, or telling me he could kill me and get away with it, I felt compelled to reply. As far as advice: run, don't walk away from the relationship. He needs help and so do you to determine why you have been co-dependent in this relationship. You can't help him He will have to seek the help to recover but he can pull you down and create a living hell for you and heaven forbid, any children you may have. I remarried years later and my husband and I work in drug and alcohol recovery in association with Celebrate Recovery. We run women's recovery homes and a Thrift Store where ladies in the program work while in the program. That experience had a pretty huge impact on my life, but as God is able to do, he took that mess and made it into a messsge that is now helping many who are struggling with addiction find hope, healing, and the tools to transform their lives. God bless you.

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