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First I know hate is a strong word, but after four years I doubt I just 'dislike' him. He causes everyone stress. Btw he's only 4 1/2. He's just very mean, he hits my mom and my sisters and I. I hate how he treats my mom, like she's some kind of slave! That doesn't deserve to be in the same house as him. Whenever my dads around though, he's a perfect little angel. Dad thinks its just US that cause the problem. Can someone please help me before I do much worse than yell at him?! I already have anger issues because of him, I've already came out an said we should just get rid of him an his brother, who's just about the same but not as extreme. When I told my dad this, he told me I had no heart. Can someone please tell me how to cope with it, my moms stressed beyond belief! I love her more than anything, and I hate that little bastard more than life itself, so I'm scared one day I might snap. I'm going to regret it if I do it, but I'm starting to not care. Don't respond telling me not to hurt him, and that things will get better because they won't, I've been told that since we got him (he was a week old and cried and cried and cried, I have two sisters and they never cried that much) things have been getting worse, not better. Please just tell me what to do...

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Health Ace
6520 posts
Hey there I'm very sorry that you feel this way how old are you? Have you talked to your parents or anyone else on the way you feel
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Miki Chan, Do you know if your foster brothers are special needs children? It may be that they are unable to react in socially acceptable ways? Do you have a school counselor or stressed to your parents that you need to speak to someone professionally? Telling your dad to get rid of them was not the best thing to say, but your fathers reactions tells me he isn't seeing what your going through. If you are mature enough to recognize in yourself that you have a problem, then you are mature enough to find a way through them. Because you already know if you let your anger rule you worse can and will happen. Find yourself an after school project- sports, art, ANYTHING that you can use to pour that anger into. When he makes you mad, go run around the block. Write it in a journal, but whatever you do when you enter your home or close your journal that anger and hate stays Right There. You dont carrying it into the house, the store, school. When you continue to carry something like that it doesn't hurt your mom, dad, sisters- it hurts you. This isn't an overnight cure, talking to someone who is able to listen is a good first step, but even better is for you to learn to let your anger go, he is only 4 years old, regardless of how spoiled he is. Do you honestly believe a 4 yr old deserves to be hated?

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Yo ho Miki Chan,

 

You've had two really lovely, good posts here, but I'm probably not going to be so nice.

From reading your post, I can see that you have a few issues too. You seem very angry at this small child for little else other than he's annoying. At four and half- most children are annoying. They kick, scream, bite- sometimes pee themselves at awkward moments- get in to EVERYTHING and they demand a lot of attention. That's kids for ya! It takes time to learn how to control emotions.

But you're older and you've got an advantage over him- You can control your emotions.

You are taking his behaviour personally and you shouldn't be. From your post, I'm gathering that you're quite young and may have had a lot of your mother's attention before this 4 1/2 year old and his brother came along. You're jealous- that's pretty damn obvious in your post and I'm assuming that's also why your father is not taking you seriously. He can probably see that your behaviour is being influenced by the fact that you are jealous of a young child getting so much attention.

 

Like Alexis M said, you need to find yourself an outlet- a sport or a hobby in which you can express your anger safely. I would also advise you to speak to your mother. It sounds as if your over-anxious attachment is with her. Your mum's stress is not yours and it's not your burden to carry. I'm assuming she chose to take in your brothers, so whether she is stressed or not- it's not your place or right to threaten your brother because of it.

I really hope you seek some help within your family and sort out your anger. If you succumb to your feelings, you will be causing the mother you profess to love, even more stress.

 

Good luck

 

V

 

  

 

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I'm 16, and HELL NO!! I'm not jealous of him!! I do believe that 4 year olds can be hated, depending on how they treat you. I believe everyone can be hated or loved depending on how they treat you. I did not do a very good job of explaining him obviously!
Thank you Alexis M for the 'releasing anger' ideas, they will probably come in handy. I have had an anger journal for awhile now, it's mostly filled with him, but my father is in it too.
That's another thing, I am not jealous of the love he revives from my dad because I could care less, him and I do not have a very good relationship and he's not a major influence in my life, but my mom is. So I care what happens to her. (And my issues with my father do not affect my issues toward the child) just today (and many many other days-lost count) he told the kid straight to his face 'I'm going to get rid of you! You pushed the last button, good bye boy!" But it's just a lie, he says that then the next day he babies him and calls him buddy.
My mother and I still spend the same amount of time together as we did before the boys, maybe even more because she's looking for a way to get rid of them and they aren't allowed in my room, so she comes and sits in my room and we talk or play video games.
It's not anything he does to me that pisses me off so much, I honestly couldn't care less, I just return the yelling or his hits with taps on my own (not actually hitting mind you, though I'd like) it's how he treats my mom that gets me. She can't take it for much longer, it's either they go now or, well I don't even want to think about it...
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Health Ace
6520 posts
Hey miki,

My dad ani I don't get along the best either.... its really hard at ur age to get along with people especially parents. Idk how your dad treats u or your mom but has your mom done anything to help herself? Does she realize there's an issue? As for your brother can you elaborate a little more about thy he annoys you so much? Thanks. This can be one of your "anger reliefe methodes" talking to people on here some maby with similar situations to help you cope. You def don't want to do something you will regret like hurting yourself or others..... what types of things do you like to do for fun
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Yes, my mom knows there's an issue. Which is why she tries to get away from him whenever possible, you wouldn't submit to constant abuse would you?
I do have things I can 'lose myself' in so to speak, like drawing, writing, gaming etc.
I kind of stall when it comes to telling people how he is though, mainly because I have a horrible memory, once it happens I repress it. I can't stop, it's just something I do. But it's not just repressing it, I still feel it and know what happened, I just can't explain it. it's strange because I can remember my dreams, but not something this important..
There is one I do remember though;
We were all in the vehicle heading to my cadets parade, he got really mad at my mom for unknown reasons and started swearing at her, legitamit swearing!!! He was 3, and we don't swear in our house, but they probably do on the 'visits'
When we got home he was sent to bed.
That's one I remember clearly. Mainly because for the whole parade he sat in the back seat screaming his head off at mom, calling her stupid.
I doubt my mom would do anything drastic as I hinted in my last post, I was mistaken because she loves my sisters and I more than I hate the boy. And that's ALOT.
I appreciate everyone's feedback, I apologize for s
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Yes, my mom knows there's an issue. Which is why she tries to get away from him whenever possible, you wouldn't submit to constant abuse would you?
I do have things I can 'lose myself' in so to speak, like drawing, writing, gaming etc.
I kind of stall when it comes to telling people how he is though, mainly because I have a horrible memory, once it happens I repress it. I can't stop, it's just something I do. But it's not just repressing it, I still feel it and know what happened, I just can't explain it. it's strange because I can remember my dreams, but not something this important..
There is one I do remember though;
We were all in the vehicle heading to my cadets parade, he got really mad at my mom for unknown reasons and started swearing at her, legitamit swearing!!! He was 3, and we don't swear in our house, but they probably do on the 'visits'
When we got home he was sent to bed.
That's one I remember clearly. Mainly because for the whole parade he sat in the back seat screaming his head off at mom, calling her stupid.
I doubt my mom would do anything drastic as I hinted in my last post, I was mistaken because she loves my sisters and I more than I hate the boy. And that's ALOT.
I appreciate everyone's feedback, I apologize for sounding so much like a child, complaining like this, but I feel better knowing that some people took time out of their days to reply to my honesty with no judgment.
I've spoken with my mom and dad many times about my dislike for the boys, mon agrees and dad says we can't get rid of them now, we are the only thing they have. Which I know is true, but I'm tired of having mega amounts of stress placed on everyone at my home and it's not only me that sees this, my sisters have asked my parents when we are getting rid of them too! Dad tells them not to say things like that. I wish more foster children were grateful that someone took them in, my grandmas foster girl accused her of abuse awhile ago. It was a lie, my grandmother wouldn't harm a fly.
I know some foster children are grateful, I just haven't met any yet I hope to in the future though.
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Then let me tell you from the point of view of a foster child. We ARENT grateful. For whatever reason, we have this strange and unknown family 'trying' to be our family instead of the ones we are born to. At least attempt to understand, you and your sisters being taken away from your parents, your family, your home, your school- EVERYTHING and given to another couple who doesn’t even know you and then tell you to follow their rules in their home. Oh yea, you aren’t with your sisters because they didn’t want to have to deal with a teenage boy. You’re completely separated from them. Their nice and they try, but you know the Truth.
We want to go home. But we can’t, we are children not adults and our wants don’t matter.
You have exactly what your foster brothers desperately need- A family, who loves you and wants the best for you. This is what your foster brothers have a hateful older brother, a cruel ‘father’, a woman who ‘tries’ to be their mom, and a family untied in thought to send them back. And they do as children do, they lash out. A 4 yr old does not have the vocabulary to say THIS ISNT RIGHT! They are going to use whatever tools are available to them to use and that includes temper tantrums, violence and obscenities.
These 2 boys are surrounded by people who don’t want them. First their own family. Second their foster family. Your hate is just a drop in the bucket compared to the pain they feel and endure from your family. Daily.
I would ask that you stop dwelling in your own misery and help them with theirs. Research problems with foster children, rent movies about foster care, and volunteer. There are people here and wealth of knowledge on the net, you just have to decide if you want to do the work. Relieve some of your mothers stress by taking each of them out individually and trying to get to know them. Let them know you weren’t a good big brother before, but you are now. You are here for them.
I can’t find the quote, but it takes a 1,000 atta boys to erase 1 negative comment. And you’re behind.
I still believe you need counseling. However you’re 16 and closer to adulthood than childhood. And how you work through this will be very defining as a man. I would love if you can just be their older brother, but I’d be happy if you could stop hating them. Hate serves no healthy purpose.
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Now that being said. I didn’t appreciate my Foster mother or my mother until my late 20s. As a child you can't always understand what you’re going through or how the name and explain the emotions your experiencing. My mother loved me enough to give me what she couldn’t stability. My foster mother gave me a firm foundation that carried me into adulthood and becoming a responsible person and productive citizen. I served in the US Army for 10 yrs, I honestly don’t believe I would have had it not been for her. My mom was 17 when she had me. I still have abandonment issues, I still have trust issues. Just because I know the reasons why I was in foster care does not erase the pain of being in foster care.

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first off, I'm a girl. Not a man, i understand where you're coming from and i know all children aren't ungrateful mainly because everyone is a different person. He has no idea that my parents aren't his real ones, and sometimes (i admit maybe) i get a little jealous when him or his brother call my mother or father or even my grandparents. I know its simple and very stupid but somewhere inside there's a little voice telling me that those boys have no right to be here, no right to speak to my family the ways they do. And in a way I'm right and wrong, I'm wrong that they shouldn't be here, they have as much right to be here as i do, my parents chose to have me just as they chose to take them in. but that does not make how he treats us right in any way. I'm the oldest of five, so i have to be the responsible role model I know this, but it's harder than it looks. After hearing other people comment on this, I've found that I'm annoyed they assume he's being a normal child, but somebody said something about 'special needs' I believe that's where most of their misbehavior comes in. I don't hate them for that, I'm actually not good at hating anything, I tend to forget why I'm mad at the person and go back to how I was before, I know why I hate him though. An example would be like, if you had a bully that wouldn't stop picking on you, but the little things that people don't see, the things they say 'oh well, if he does it again come and talk to me' but when he does it again they say 'he's just a child, it didn't mean anything.' That's almost what it's like, but more, you know? I can't explain it without sounding like a spoiled brat!

Personally, the fact that someone who has never met me, has never seen my predicament, would suggest counseling to me, really says something doesn't it... I actually wrote this post when I felt I had to discuss this outside of my family. I have a bad habit of making things more dramatic than they really are and that one day will be my downfall. I am still happy though that you took the time out of your day to read about my problem, thank you.

I've known hundreds of people in foster care, and I hold no anger towards the children that come out of there, I treat them the same as they treat me. If anything I respect the fact that they can be torn away from their family and still be able to live. I know that many of them don't really turn out well, some of my foster cousins are proof of that (grandma took in a lot) I'm not trying to sound judgmental, but it's coming out wrong I think... Thank you for your feedback, but i doubt i can stop hating him. I'm sorry.

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My parents have been taking in foster children since I was a baby. I've grown up with violent kids and teenagers, they're so ungrateful. It's the same way, they're asses to my mom and angels to my dad. My dad thinks that my mom just makes it up. It's the same thing as you. I'm sorry you're having to go through this too. It's only been recently that I've been hating my foster syblings, I know that they have nothing else, that we are all that's left besides prison. But now I'm just done with it. All of he violent kids are gone but my other foster syblings are now driving me mad. Good luck with your journey, I'll be praying for you (I know that may not mean a lot to you but it's the most I can offer). After putting up with so much I'm just exhausted from it now. I used to be grateful that the kids that came through my home opened my eyes to a lot of things, they've made me the person I am, but now (and I know that it sounds so childish) but I'm wishing that they would all just be gone, and now I'm starting to hate myself for such a thing. Best of luck
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'I'm going to get rid of you! You pushed the last button, good bye boy!"- that is a completely inappropriate thing to say o a 4 year old and if this has been standard way your father talks to them since birth it is no wonder they are having problems. As for a a baby who cried more than your sister...all babies are different, he probably had colick which has nothing to do with future developement, what does impact development is the environment a child is raised in and telling a four year old that he is disposable and could be gotten rid of any minute does not speak to a secure attachment. Look up a disorder called RAD- radical attachment disorder, see if it fits your foster brother, if it does it is because he never formed a secure attachment with a primary caregiver, and since you have had hime since 1 week old, that would lie on the shoulders of your parents...not the very young child.
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You're lucky my foster brother is 15 and still sh**s himself and then has the nerve to shout at my mum when she asks him to clean it up
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