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Basically what it comes down to is She tells me that her son only does things to get a reaction out of me. And sure enough he does and when i react i get in sh*t for it. She doesn't seem to think her son needs to stop as I'm the adult. I've walked away from him, gone to another room, put headphones on but he keeps at it. And the only time she says anything is when i react. So after weeks of this, she basically kicks me out(for the second time). The first time was back in Feb 20012, and it took me 6 months of trying to get back. She told me after a visit to her parents in NFLD that she wants what they have. She could hear her father tell her mom he loved her and kiss her goodnight each night. I do that, and she realized that she didn't give me a fair chance. Now less it seems it's gotten back to how it was and I've yet to see her give me a chance other than letting me move back in. She doesn't seem to want or see a reason to correct her sons behavior, she onyl tells me Im the adult and i shouldn't let an 11 year old get a reaction out of me. Am I wrong in that she should stop her son when she knows he is only doing things to get a reaction, or am I wrong because I am 35. To me there is only so much a person can take, and asking a child to please stop doing the things he does to get a reaction out of me for 20+ mins in a calm voice is a bit much.

 

Thank you for any and all input you can provide me.

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Hi Karslar,

It's one thing to have an 11 year old provoke you for a reaction.  It's another for his mother to not act on it.  She is the one with the discipline problem, not the son.  The son is only doing what he can - why?  Because there are no repercussions.  In other words, your girlfriend needs to change NOW.  Allowing this behavior to continue will not help him in the future.  She's also being very disrespectful of your position as an adult.

I can understand that you may not have any "authority" over the boy.  Someone needs to have some though and soon.

Counseling may help, the three of you should participate.

Otherwise, tell her why you're leaving.  I know it won't be easy but it may help her realize that she needs help.

Good luck.

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Thank you for your input.
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Hi Karslar,

 

You don't actually say what the son is doing to get a reaction from you. Is he violent? Back-chatting? Being disobedient?

And you don't actually say what your reaction is- you just say that you react.

 

A step-family is complex unit to be a part of and if you want to make it work, you're going to have to be patient. You have stepped in to a ready made family: a family with ready-made routines and rules. To step in to a family and start laying down your own rules is not exactly the right path to being accepted as a father-figure.

And the son is not a young child- he's 2 years away from being a teenager and more than likely, in the early stages of puberty. You don't say whether the son has had previous father-figures or whether he is still seeing his natural father. These issues may explain why he's acting towards you in a negative way.

 

If you want to be part of their family, YOU are going to have to be the one to change his behaviour towards you- not the boy's mother. YOU are the one who's going to have to make the effort to be accepted by him and show him that you and him can have a relationship.

There could be a lot of issues going on here; he could be jealous of the time his mother spends with you- this is certaintly not uncommon. Afterall, his mother's time and affections are now compromised. He could also have issues with being challenged as the primary male figure in the household. Or he could have male-trust issues- especially, if he doesn't see or have contact with his natural father and/or his mother has had short-term boyfriends in the past.

 

By the sounds of your post you are taking his behaviour personally. Don't. You could be any man and he would react in the same way.

Imagine you are an 11year old boy and someone has come along and is now demanding a share of everything that has been yours for your entire life. You would fight for it, yeah? This is what he is doing and the way to do it is by winding you up and challenging you.

His mother is right to ignore the behaviour- if she challenges him on it, he gets the the attention he craves and he gets the reward for his actions. And to be honest, you too would be best reacting in that way too. 

And she's right about the 35year old thing too. As an adult, we have a valuable tool that children are still developing- it's called self-control. You are the adult and you ultimately have control of the situation.

 

A good start to getting your relationship back on track would be to sit down and talk to BOTH your girlfriend and her son, and find out why he behaves the way he does. Does he feel as if your taking his mum away from him? Does he think that if he gets to know you, you'll leave? Find out about him- perhaps arrange to spend time with him, once or twice a week, so that you can bond. And be as genuine as possible. If he suspects that you only want to know him to be close to his mother, your issues will double.

 

I hope you resolve your problems, but I honestly think that despite your beliefs that your girlfriend is lapse with her son's behaviour, there are problematic issues that are arising from your reaction to her son's behaviour. Your post is very self-focused and hasn't displayed any empathy as to what your girlfriend's son is possibly feeling from what's going on. Perhaps focus on him and you can start to build a relationship with his mother.

 

Good luck

 

V

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hes probly sick of lising to any adults i kno i sure am all they do is lie any way unless he is starting it which 60% of the time kids dont then u should should be nicer

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First thing boy you Need to hush and let the adults talk show need to hush and let the adults talk little folks are seen and not heard Funny how you say adults lie 60% of the time your guardians need to take away your Media device to start with sounds like you have a discipline problem yourself
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Violet, How is he supposed to change this kids behavior when the child’s mother does nothing to help her boyfriend when he corrects the child?? The boyfriend will NEVER be taken seriously by his girlfriends son if she doesn’t do anything to help.
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