having trouble forgiving my ex..anger, rage, hurt.

I am having an extremely hard time forgiving my ex. I know that forgiveness is not for him, it's for me but I just don't know how. He had just gotten medically discharged b/c of an incident in Afghanistan. He had started having seizures just a few months before we had split in Dec 09. He did more in the first 3 months we were separated than he did our entire marriage. It started with his parents taking him and his boys to Kansas to see an ex of his while I was here taking care of my daughter and stepdaughter. Then he closed out our joint checking account so I wouldn't have access to "his" money. Keep in mind that I didn't work for the 5 yrs we were married due to him being in the military and childcare was too expensive for 4 kids. He turned my power off on me, knowing I had our daughter there, at that time he had already forced my stepdaughter to go with him b/c I was not her mother. He took the only mode of transportation I had b/c I couldn't make half the payments. The final straw is when I agreed to meet him at McDonalds so that he could have lunch with our daughter, when he left he wanted her to walk to the car with him. I said no, but instead of creating a scene in the middle of the restaurant, I walked out there with her. He picked her up, gave her a hug and was talking to her next thing I know, he's jumping in the back of the yukon and tried to shut the door. He hit me with the door, of course I am trying to get my daughter back. When he realized I was in the door, he told his father to step on it..his father listened to him. He tore out of the parking lot. He kept her for a week, I was fighting myself everyday b/c I wanted to do things the right way, but felt like a horrible parent b/c I didn't go up there and yank her from him as he had done to me. It was a very long..or seemed long, he did everything to make it seem as I was the bad parent, all the lies he's told and when I would bring it up to the lawyer it's like nothing could be done about it. My fears are legitimate, and it didn't matter. It felt like they viewed me as a bitter ex who is out for her husband...that was not the case though. Our first hearing..the emergency hearing he actually brought his girlfriend to the courthouse with him. We all knew she was his gf. Only thing he got for that was supervised visitation, by his father. I was so mad! His father was the one driving when he stole her from me. I worried about her being there with him for his weekend visitation b/c I know all he has to do is tell his dad that he will be fine to go and come back later and his father will listen. It was put in the order that he is not to drive with her in the vehicle b/c of the seizures, and he did that anyway. He figured it was okay b/c they were on his property. Um..no! A horse steps on her foot and instead of taking her to the ER to get it checked out, just to be sure there is nothing broken..cracked..whatever. He is at the vet b/c there was something wrong with the horse. We had been talking about the incident that put him in the hospital for 7 days, and he had to be intubated, was b/c he took a handful of his blood pressure pills. It didn't make sense to me then why the doc had asked me the questions that he did but when he finally admitted what he had done it all made sense. To make it worse, his parents accused me of trying to kill him. For 2 yrs he allowed them to accuse me and badmouth me, knowing that I had nothing to do with why he was in the hospital. My ex had kept pursuing me... "plz give me a chance, let me show you I've changed, I've taken this class, I'm doing better, blah blah blah." My stepdaughter had been asking to come back and live with me and he wouldn't let her unless him and I tried to work it out. A part of me did still love him, but the main thought were these kids. With this situation it feels like a double edged sword...damned if I do, damned if I don't. I felt better b/c I would be there while he is around my daughter. Well, that didn't work out too long. We got back together this last summer. At first it was extremely hard b/c I was hearing about everything and everyone he did while we were separated. Now, he had moved out 2 days ago, b/c he still continued to lie to me, go behind my back to his parents, and he still refused to back me up when it came to his 15 yr old flat out disrespecting and not listening. He claimed that he is moving back b/c he wants to get help, and that he will be back. Sorry but we've been here before. He briefly changed his mind about leaving b/c I refused to sign a paper saying that I will wait for him, that I won't move on. The next day, his father is here with the horse trailer to load his stuff. I'm not so upset about him leaving b/c we were having the same problems that we did in our prior relationship...I am more relieved. I just worry about the kids going down there and being around him. I am still so angry with him. In this relationship...My part of the problem is b/c I haven't been able to let go of what he's done before..especially when it kept happening. I just don't know how to forgive him. Sorry if this seems jumbled up, this is just the ramblings in my head..