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Things you need to know before I tell my story. Tony is the father of my unborn baby! And Adam is the love of my life! Tony and I starting dating last year at some point last year in end of January (2009). And Adam and I started dating November 15, 2007. Okay with that being said the story is easier to tell.

When Adam and I broke up a week or two later I met Tony well December 2009 I got my period. Well January 21, 2010 I found out I was prego. I didn't wait till my miss period because I had a feeling I was prego so I took a test and it came up positive. I was happy. I mean I'm going to have a baby what's better then that. Well anyway Febuary 2 I went to the hospital thought I was having a miscarriage lucky me at the time I just had a ovarian cyst burst. Well after that I got all excited because 22 days from that I was going to the hope center to have an ultrasound. Well 22 days pass and I get to the hope center and I get my ultrasound Febuary 24th at nine weeks and on my dads birthday yey I got two pictures and got to hear my babies heart beat, I'll never forget that day. Well 2 to 3 weeks pass on March 1 Tony and I got into a big argument I mean so bad the cops were called because I hit him (was scared and want to protect myself) well before we argued I tried to pack my cloths and get in the car an go to my moms. But him and his mother really would let me leave they kepted arguing with me and screaming at me and I couldn't stand there and just take it so I argued back. Well at one point I got the worst pain ever I leaned over his bed in pain telling them to take me to the hospital and they told me to stop faking it it get out. At a point while I was leaned over the bed his mom called me white trash. I got so mad because of that I felt no pain. Well I got all the stuff in the car that was his but in my name. And the cops showed up. The cops knowing I was pergo pushed me on the car and handcuffed me put me in the car. Well I sat in the car praying to god at some point I think I asked him to take my baby! I don't remember but going forward the cop came to me and said you have two choices one you can go to jail or a mental institute well no doubt I pick the mental place well Adam and I had been talking sence Febuary 28 when I got to the mental place I they took my blood pressure and tempature well needles to say I had one sign of misscarring but did they notice nooooo well after that I got to call Adam I told him what was going on and that I wish I was with him. He new I was prego and told me to relax and try to sleep that how I was acting wasn't good for the baby. But I couldn't sleep at all that night finally at 6:00am then they woke me up at 7:30 I was up untill 11:00 then let go at 2:00 pm or so. Well time went by and I was going to the doctors on March 18th I was so exciet I was going to hear the heart beat again or so I thought. Well sadly to say but that's when my heart hit the floor like a brick. The doctor said I had a miscarry. That there was no heart beat I couldn't talk thank god my sister was with me because as bad as I wanted to cry I was in shock at a point she look at me and said do you have any questions and I wanted to cry my face turned red and the tears came down I couldn't believe it I didn't want to believe it. I didn't understand how I didn't know there was no blood how come I asked her well after that bad day and after finding out I was carry a lifeless baby for about 20 days I got more good (bad) news I get to carry the lifeless baby for another weeks that whole week I cried non stop. Well never did I regret telling tony that day I was going to have a abortion so I didn't have to deal with him. Till this day I blame myself. Till this day I cry. And the hardest part is I only have one person to comfort me and that's Adam we are back together he before I knew I lost the baby wanted to be with me again. I don't have my family to talk to because my oldest sister just had her first grandbaby and my sister inlaw just had her second baby. Everyone is so caught up in them that I'm invisible no one even sees how much harder it is without them being there for me. They don't care that I am grieving not to mention that my other sister lost her youngest on valentines day so now that puts me on the back burner. Everyday I have to tell myself that god did it for a reason. But sometimes I feel like I'm lying to myself.

Well there is my story glad I typed it I feel a little better!!

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Hi honey! OK 1st thing BIG hugs to you! And I am SO SAD for your loss!

2nd You are in NO way responsible for your miscarriage! IF anyone is it is Tony and his mother! They made it that your blood pressure went through the roof, and the baby became distressed! THEN them calling th police, and them hurting your stomach, these would ahve possibly been factor with your loss! MOST miscarriages happen for no apparent reason! BUT when you can put 2 and 2 together and get 4, then THERE is your answer! You had a thought that MILLIONS of women have from time to time! Kind of like "Boy I wish I didn't have this and this etc." Your baby was NOT going to survive that night, and this is NOT your fault! I would suggest that you have counelling for your loss! AND also have something tangible for that baby! Like a tree, or a plant in your garden, or even a hand painted drawing, and or poem! You NEED to be able to forgive yourself AND Grieve! Big hugs! And good luck with Adam!
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Thank you for your huges!!! And thanks for the best wishes for Adam and I!!!!!


But I did have a part in loosing my baby, I say that because I could have walked away from it I should have in any case. I blame myself for trying to have a baby with someone I was not in love with. I should have been with Adam if I was none of that would have happened other then the becoming prego but everything after that wouldn't have taken place. And now the only thing procrastenating me from trying to have one now is the fact that I'm in school. I graduate on November 23 and I'm going for coding and billing. I am so tired of trying to be strong and not cry when everyday I have to supress my feelings I try everyday to not think about my angel and when I do I can't do anything but cry an feel sooo empty inside. I want to have a baby so bad now that I don't feel like I'll be happy unless I do. But I know I don't have the money to take care of one! I have eveything but money, job and a car. And I'm hoping that when I graduate I'll have a job in no time so I can get a car and have money for a baby!
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Honey! I understand your guilt and your upset! BUT think about what you are saying! You are basically saying that you can't forgive yourself for not forseeing the future! It is in NO WAY your fault! IF you take responsibility for your loss, then there is no difference between this and a woman being killed for staying in an abusive relationship! She didn't expect it to happen! And neither did yourself! We can't be held accountable for freaking out and our emotions! At the time of you being with Tony, obviously it wasn't "right" to be with Adam! We do things that need to be done at the time! We make decisions that aren't always based on rationale! I understand the need to fill that "hole" BUT you need to resolve and greive for this loss before you go further! You are young and now with a good man! ALL of the est will fall into place! You just need help to get there first! Seek counselling honey honestly! You need to forgive yourself! Because NO ONE else thinks you deserve this!
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I didn't forsee that happening but two days before it happened I had a feeling something bad was goin to happen I didn't know what or even when! But the night of everything I was with my sister Nikki before Tony and I was at my sisters house till 12 am and I had a bad feeling that if I lefted her house something bad was going to happen. And I was going to stay at her house but I didn't go on my instincts like I should have. I usauly do go on my feelings and then find out later they were right but that one time I didn't and I lost the one person that matter the most. And no one knows I take blame in it. Because no one talks to me about it. And I don't tell Adam that because he already told me it's not my fault. And how I feel about it is it's either my fault or gods but I'd rather blame me instead of god. I should have listen to myself when I told my sister I shouldn't go to Tonys' house. I should have. And I had a counsiling but the lady that was doing it couldn't do it the last time I was suposed to and then finally called me a week an a half later and I just haven't even bothered to call back it's been a week or two sence she called. I just find it pointless to talk to her about it when I want my family to talk to me but it just doesn't seem like any of my family will with the two new babies in our family. And those are the things that kill me the most is my family never talking to me to comfort me, and when I get around the two new babies I get one of two feelings 1 is a motherly instinct and 2 is pain because I should have my baby on September 29th and this birthday is going to be the worst bday ever because I wanted my baby shower on my birthday August 17th. I honestly just don't know how to feel at times other times I try to ignore my feelings everyone else does they always have.
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Idont think they are ignoring it honey! As with ANY loss, people are at a loss of words! Years ago - even nowadays - people will stupidly say "Well it wasn't meant to be!" "You can have another one!" "GODS plan!" Really stupid things to say - BUT thy just don't know WHAT to say! You DO need counselling honey! And also I think you should ask your doctor IF they know the reason for your loss! Sometimes they will tell you that NOTHING happened to cause the miscarriage - as your body is meant to fight the embryo! Other times, it can be from injury or infection etc! You need to find out as closely as possible, why! Most miscarriages happen in the 1st trimester! No one knows why! Just because you didnt follow - what I call your spidey senses - is NO reason why you should punish yourself for the loss! You need some symbol of your loss! You need to be comforted, be able to talk about your pain! I have a feeling that - even though this sounds SO cold and forgive me for saying this - BUT since this Tony was SUCH a jerk, and so violent, I have a feeling that your family is somewhat releived that you wont have to be dealing with him while raising a child! Perhaps they think that you think the same thing?! I have a thought! When you went to jail, who bailed you out?
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I didn't go to jail. They took me to a mental place. The cops asked me why I was with a guy that would say he is super save a hoe. I couldn't believe he would say that. But back to your question. My sister picked me up the one that was at the doctors with me when I found out. And I did ask my doctor why it happened and she couldn't answer it because she didn't know. I deep down know that I didn't want to be with Tony anymore BUT even despit that I wanted that baby. And the worst of everything Tony thinks I had an abortion. That is the one things I would never in my life do. I would rather die if it would bring my baby back. But it won't nothing will no matter how much I wish something could it won't.
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I have a thought! Write To Tony an tell him the truth - I think this is part of beating yourself up - tell him that he treated you terribley and he hurt you and you needed to hurt him back! Tell him EXACTLY what happened, and let him and his pathetic mother put 2 and 2 together! It's not rocket science to figure out that they could have hurt your baby or worse! Tell him at the end, that you can never forgive him for hurting you and the baby, and NOT to contact you, but you wanted to do the right thing and let him know NEVER to contact you again!

Many miscarriages are unexplainable honey! I KNOW you think ALL of this caused it, granted it might have had something to do with it! BUT you will never know! And if you think about it another way, the memory of your baby is being tainted in some way by feeling like it was YOUR fault! When it wasn't! There are MANY women out there right now, in a loving committed caring relationship and they will start loosing their baby tongiht! So basically - IF you think about it - you are saying that they TOO are at fault for loosng their baby! They shouldn't have danced, gone to the movies, had sex, gone walking etc! We don't KNOW what is going to happen tommorrow, NONE of you knew that THAT night you were going to loose the baby! Because millions of women - throughout time - have had terrible arguments, but didn't loose their babies! So it was something that happened, honey!
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I told him all that already. I did that on May 8th. I told him this is his fault that I blame him and his controling mother. It didn't help it just made me feel worse.
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My heart goes out to all who have to go through this, Moms AND Dads to be! Many people don't seem to think that a miscarriage is that big of a deal for a dad-to-be... Not true at all! I went through this, this is what I learned...

I'm a father, and my kids are my life. When my (now ex) miscarried, I went "numb" and robotically attended to her needs during the first couple days. I was worried that my subdued reaction meant I must not care. She was inconsolable and cried so much she could barely speak during this time, so I suppose I just knew that I couldn't begin processing it until she was OK.

It happened on a Wednesday, and by Friday night it finally hit me. I had taken the ex and my son to her mother's, and was sitting there alone smoking, when all of a sudden I freaked right the f--- out. I smashed a large assortment of useless odds and ends I had been hoarding, threw them off the balcony, and told my concerned neighbours to go f--- themselves for daring to ask what was the matter. I told God to go f--- himself too, for being such a useless c--- and not protecting my kid. I cried whenever I was awake at first. Eventually I forced myself out of bed, and went out and got completely f----- out of my tree on all sorts of drugs. Thankfully my recollection omits the next couple days, but when I came down from the drugs I probably felt the emptiest I had in my entire life. I soon got kicked out of the term of trade school I was taking as well, since I couldn't focus and fell behind.

There is some good to this, though: My son's mother and I had just gotten back together about a month prior, and while the conception was unintended we were thrilled. So after we calmed down I told her "We will get pregnant again", and sure enough she did and my daughter was born about 1 1/2 years after miscarrying. She's currently almost 1 and a half and is beautiful and healthy!

When you successfully have a child after a miscarriage, the fear and stress that is left over doesn't suddenly vanish. If anything it causes new paranoia about the baby's health. But in the end it was worth any amount of heartache, nothing can match the incredible feeling of being able to hold her after worrying for 9 months!
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