Morning Humor is Back!

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
> opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another
> seat This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The
> man seemed more amused when on the fourth move, the man burst out
> laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
>>
> The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years
> old) what he had to say for himself.
>>
> The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got
> on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a
> sweets sign that said: "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I
> grinned.
>
> Then she moved and sat under a sign that said: "Logan's
> Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
>
> Then sheplaced herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big
> Stick
> Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor,
> when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
> Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it.
>

9 Things I Hate About Everyone



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?



2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.



3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?



4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!



5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.



6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?



7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.



8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?



9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

So this guy has a dilemma: He's in love with three wonderful women. Any one of them would make a great wife and life companion. To be fair he decides to give them all a test of ability.

He gives each of them $ 5,000 and tells them to invest the money any way they want and in six months he will make a decision.

Six months later the women present their investment efforts.

The first woman says I took the money and invested in some stock options and made $ 10,000 on your initial $ 5K.

The second says I went out and bought some property. Turns out it was right in the middle of a planned mall so I was paid $ 12,000 for the property.

The third explained she invested in a bar and her share of the first six months' profits were $7,000

Which one do you think the man married ?















The one with the largest t!ts

GOD created Adam, and was pleased. Adam, on the other hand, got a little bored. So GOD, in His infinite wisdom, created Eve, and called to Adam.

"Adam," said GOD, "I saw that you needed some company, and so I created Woman, and named her Eve." "God", said Adam, "what is Woman?" "Well, Adam, she is a companion for you," the Lord replied. "But what do I do with her?", Adam asked. "Well," said GOD, "First you should kiss her!" "God?" asked Adam. "What is a KISS??" "Well," said GOD, "You go up to Eve, pucker up your lips, and give a little smack." "Okay," said Adam. And he went off.

Soon he came back, smiling. "God," he said, that was good!" "Now," said GOD, "I want you to HUG Eve." "God?" asked Adam. "What is a HUG??" "Well," said GOD, "You go up to Eve, put your arms around her and give her a little squeeze." "Okay," said Adam. And he went off. Soon he came back, smiling even more. "God," he said, that was GOOD!"

"Now," said GOD, "I want you to MAKE OUT with Eve." "God?" asked Adam. "What is a MAKING OUT??" "Well," said GOD, "You go up to Eve and give her LOTS of hugs and kisses." "Okay," said Adam. And he went off. Soon he came back, smiling even MORE. "God," he said, that was GREAT!"

"Now," said GOD, "I want you to MAKE LOVE to Eve." "God?" asked Adam. "What is a MAKING LOVE??" "Well," said GOD, and he explained this to Adam. "Okay," said Adam. And he went off.

Soon he came back, "God?" asked Adam. "What is a HEADACHE???"

"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am.
But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would
you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was
Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican?
Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no!"
If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

HAH!.....good one......

HAH!.....good one......

Glad you liked it.

HAH!.....good one......

Glad you liked it. heard Polish jokes all the time as a kid in Michigan......not sure they are politically correct anymore.....never hear any in Texas, but they are pretty much the same as "Aggie" jokes.....

I think we've lost a lot of good fun because of PC. We had a lot of French Canadians, Polish and Italians in my home town. The jokes were the same, all that changed was the nationality. The sayings we got from the different people were priceless. When taking a TV back to an old polish lady one time she said to tell my boss he could kiss her dupa if he expected her to pay. Meeting those people and learning their culture and joking with them was priceless. Of course there's the joke about the frog lumberjack who bought a new chainsaw. When he took it back because it didn't cut wood as fast as his old saw the salesman pulled the rope to start it and the lumberjack jumped back and said "What's the noise?"

Me and my racing partner who was Canuck stopped by a swamp to get rid of the beer from earlier in the day and the peepers were really loud. As we're standing there he said listen to all my cousins out there. At work a kid came in right of high school with long hair claiming to be Polish so we called him our long haired Polish hippy freak. Me being a white Anglo Saxon Protestant with a beard he called me the bearded WASP.

You just don't have that kind of fun anymore

HAH!.....good one......

Glad you liked it.

heard Polish jokes all the time as a kid in Michigan......not sure they are politically correct anymore.....never hear any in Texas, but they are pretty much the same as "Aggie" jokes..... yeah, there are some jokes that are really easy to use against any college or who ever you want to pick on.

>
>The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take
>any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
>one letter, and supply a new definition.
>
>Here are this year's winners:
>
>1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
>realise it was your money to start with.
>
>2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly
>
>3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
>ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
>of breaking down in the near future.
>
>4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
>getting
>laid.
>
>5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
>financially impotent for an indefinite period.
>
>6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
>
>7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
>who doesn't get it.
>
>8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
>
>9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
>
>10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
>
>11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
>bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
>serious bummer.
>
>12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day
>consuming only things that are good for you.
>
>13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
>
>14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
>they come at you rapidly.
>
>15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
>accidentally walked through a spider web.
>
>16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
>bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
>
>17. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the
>fruit you're eating.
>
>And the pick of the literature:
>
>18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an as****e
>
>
>

Ray and Bessie

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "seniors" in Texas. Ray always
wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he
buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and
asks his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into
the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little
louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today,
it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S
HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!!!!"

To which Bessie calmly replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a
hat."