I have a urge to right out the main complications in my life
Today was my first day back at uni. i had one lecture. the lecture detailed the basics of the subject, revealing that 50% of the course work was group work related. by thursday i need to form a group of 4 people. for any normal person i feel this would be a fairly easy task... but its not for me.
I dont know anyone is this class as i've missed many classes throughout my uni career and i am well behind everyone i started with. meeting new people all on my own is the very definition of hell for me. i panic intensely at the thought of it. Once before i found myself in this very situation and i dropped out of the course instead of dealing with the issue. I cant do that again as i have been at uni forever and just want to finish. dropping out of this course would set me back a full year.
i cant talk to strangers. i can barely talk to friends. every time i find myself in a social situation i experience panic attacks. this often involves me remaining silent the entire night, throwing up or just running away. im 23 and i can't handle such simple situations.
as such i hate myself and my life. i feel like ive never really accomplished anything or properly enjoyed any part of my life. i just want a normal social life, i wanna enjoy uni not dread the thought of returning each day.
one light in my empty light is my girlfriend. she has OCD, meaning she can relate to and understand my anxiety. she understands all to well. no matter how sad i get it seems to pale in comparison to how she feels. as such, even though i love her and could not live without her, she is the cause of intense stresses in my life.
She can't get thoughts out of her head. none more so than the thoughts she has on suicide. she tells me every couple of days that she wants to die, or to go into a coma and never wake up. life is a constant struggle for her. as such i spend significant time comforting her and taking care of her. there is next to no time left over for my needs. she tells me constantly that i am the only reason she is alive. this is somewhat sweet, but makes me feel like if i f**k up slightly i will have directly caused her death. thus i have to constantly worry about her. worst still i feel as the relationship is progressing, she is becoming more dependent on me. as with all relationships we have our problems. but i overlook practically everything and do everything i can to make it as easy as i can for her. as such i kinda feel like she does nothing for me by comparison. i cant talk to her about these sort of things as they would make her sad and most likely result in her suicide.
but even with all her anxiety and depression, she is still 10 folds more socially apt than me. as much as she hates life, she still seems able to enjoy herself more than me. despite being 'afraid' of men she deals so much better with the opposite sex than i. as does her little sister.
i can't help but feel like a pathetic loser
i don't require a response. i just wanted to write