I guess this is a fairly common problem, but I don't see a lot of solutions.
When I was single, I had sex all the time. When I met my wife she seemed to have a fairly healthy sex drive. A few years ago I lost my job, got depressed, and became less interested in sex. This went on for several years. I wondered if my wife was having sex with someone else, but I didn't pry, because I wouldn't have blamed her anyway, and I didn't want to start a conflict that might end our marriage.
When I started to recover, my libido began to recover, but my wife didn't seem as interested as before. I thought this meant she must be having an affair, but it turns out she never did, which is surprising, but it does kind of indicate that she doesn't put a very high priority on sex. I've realized that, in all the time I've known her, she has never initiated sex, and when I try to get her to tell me about her fantasies, she says she doesn't have any. She has never owned any sex toys, and she never seems to use the ones I've given her.
I've talked with her about the obvious difference in our sex drives. I only see the problem getting worse. I've recently started getting treatment for ADD, and I'm happier than I've ever been in my life, and for me, happy translates pretty directly into turned on. Meanwhile, my wife is apparently encountering the early stages of menopause.
She has really gone out of her way to try to keep up with me, but to be perfectly honest, it isn't nearly enough, and I get the feeling that it's really more than she's comfortable with. She is always exhausted long before I'm ready to run the curtain down, and if I try to have sex with her more than a couple times a week, she starts to complain. (I'd have sex a couple times a day if I could.)
The obvious solution, to me, would be for me to seek out relationships with women who are, like me, looking for more sex in their lives. I'm not talking about romantic relationships. I really love my wife and our relationship is very important to me. I can't see spending the rest of my life with anyone else.
When I was single, I used to have a lot of these "friends with benefits" relationships. All of my closest friends have always been women, and when I was single, I had sex with most of my female friends at one time or another. I lost touch with most of them when we moved out of state, but I'd like to cultivate similar relationships with some of the women I know now.
I've tried to discuss this with my wife, but she is totally resistant to it. I get the feeling that she somehow perceives it as a loss of status on her part, but it really isn't, and I can't really understand why she feels that way. Back when I was going through my depression I pretty much took it for granted that she would be having affairs, and I came to terms with it. I don't see it as being unfaithful if someone goes outside their marriage for something their spouse can't give them. It would be different if I were saying "no" to her while I'm saying "yes" to someone else, and I would never do that. I just think the two other alternatives are unacceptable--either I deny myself something I really enjoy or I force my wife to have sex way more often than she wants too--probably even more often than she's capable of--or some awful combination of the two.
When I was single, I had sex all the time. When I met my wife she seemed to have a fairly healthy sex drive. A few years ago I lost my job, got depressed, and became less interested in sex. This went on for several years. I wondered if my wife was having sex with someone else, but I didn't pry, because I wouldn't have blamed her anyway, and I didn't want to start a conflict that might end our marriage.
When I started to recover, my libido began to recover, but my wife didn't seem as interested as before. I thought this meant she must be having an affair, but it turns out she never did, which is surprising, but it does kind of indicate that she doesn't put a very high priority on sex. I've realized that, in all the time I've known her, she has never initiated sex, and when I try to get her to tell me about her fantasies, she says she doesn't have any. She has never owned any sex toys, and she never seems to use the ones I've given her.
I've talked with her about the obvious difference in our sex drives. I only see the problem getting worse. I've recently started getting treatment for ADD, and I'm happier than I've ever been in my life, and for me, happy translates pretty directly into turned on. Meanwhile, my wife is apparently encountering the early stages of menopause.
She has really gone out of her way to try to keep up with me, but to be perfectly honest, it isn't nearly enough, and I get the feeling that it's really more than she's comfortable with. She is always exhausted long before I'm ready to run the curtain down, and if I try to have sex with her more than a couple times a week, she starts to complain. (I'd have sex a couple times a day if I could.)
The obvious solution, to me, would be for me to seek out relationships with women who are, like me, looking for more sex in their lives. I'm not talking about romantic relationships. I really love my wife and our relationship is very important to me. I can't see spending the rest of my life with anyone else.
When I was single, I used to have a lot of these "friends with benefits" relationships. All of my closest friends have always been women, and when I was single, I had sex with most of my female friends at one time or another. I lost touch with most of them when we moved out of state, but I'd like to cultivate similar relationships with some of the women I know now.
I've tried to discuss this with my wife, but she is totally resistant to it. I get the feeling that she somehow perceives it as a loss of status on her part, but it really isn't, and I can't really understand why she feels that way. Back when I was going through my depression I pretty much took it for granted that she would be having affairs, and I came to terms with it. I don't see it as being unfaithful if someone goes outside their marriage for something their spouse can't give them. It would be different if I were saying "no" to her while I'm saying "yes" to someone else, and I would never do that. I just think the two other alternatives are unacceptable--either I deny myself something I really enjoy or I force my wife to have sex way more often than she wants too--probably even more often than she's capable of--or some awful combination of the two.
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Try sitting down with your wife and just talking to her about it. If that doesn't work, then take her to a sex therapist. They're said to really go a long way.
Good luck
Good luck
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Oh yeah. I forgot to mention that I had tried to get her to see a sex therapist. I went to a therapist to see if there was anything I could do, and she said that, short of using some kind of drug to curb my libido, there was nothing she could do to help unless she could see my wife, so I tried and tried to convince her that it would not only make me happier if she would go, but it would probably make her happier too if she could get more enjoyment out of sex, but she refused to go, saying she preferred to work on it in her own way. I haven't seen much evidence that she is working on it though.
I feel like I've been stymied at every turn. I've tried every possible thing I can think of and it just hasn't worked, largely due to her unwillingness. I think it's unfair of her to monopolize my sexuality if she isn't even interested in it. I never intended to be unfaithful to her, but I never intended to take a vow of celibacy either. I'm trying hard not to let the resentment spill over into the rest of our relationship, but it's hard. I've almost come to the point where I can consider having sex with other women and not telling her about it. It does concern me that she might leave me if she find out, but I'm even more concerned about what might happen if things continue the way they are.
I feel like I've been stymied at every turn. I've tried every possible thing I can think of and it just hasn't worked, largely due to her unwillingness. I think it's unfair of her to monopolize my sexuality if she isn't even interested in it. I never intended to be unfaithful to her, but I never intended to take a vow of celibacy either. I'm trying hard not to let the resentment spill over into the rest of our relationship, but it's hard. I've almost come to the point where I can consider having sex with other women and not telling her about it. It does concern me that she might leave me if she find out, but I'm even more concerned about what might happen if things continue the way they are.
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Your problem seems to be much more long standing and problematic than my own, but perhaps as a woman of high libido I can offer some tips.
I've been in a serious relationship for a few months now, and find myself being often turned down or distracted when I try to initiate sex. Now, reasonably speaking, this is usually by the third night of a busy weekend, in the morning, or the second time in a day. My approach right now is to find a sneaky way of making my lover less exhausted and more ready to get going, so he can hopefully experience the same relaxing and restoring effects that I feel sex can provide.
For you, I would advise focusing on the little things. Tell your wife how beautiful she is, and notice small things so it doesnt seem like a comment intended towards sex, but a spontaneous thought that you couldnt keep to yourself.
Also try things such as giving her a massage- no sexual pressure at all, after a long days work. I have had orgasms both giving and receiving massages with my partner with little to no stimulation at all. The level of closeness that is both physical and emotional in this case is often enough to stimulate strong desire- if not a full orgasm. Perhaps with the pressure of sex being removed, she can relax enough to experience desire.
There are also herbal supplements and foods that can be included in the diet with libido boosting effects. Dark chocolate (especially with chiles in it) is one of the female favorites. Asparagus, oysters, champagne, maca powder(great to substitute for coffee) damiana tea, and a variety of fragrant herbs and spices (check ayurvedic philosophy) might help.
I personally find dairy to have a blocking effect on my body- sexual energy, mental clarity, and physical energy do not function the same way when I am eating dairy.
You can also suggest she try yoga, or at the very least, morning spinal flexes and twists. Cat/cow flexes as well as seated spinal flexes are known for removing energy blocks in the body and helping to balance the chakras, including the sacral.
I've been in a serious relationship for a few months now, and find myself being often turned down or distracted when I try to initiate sex. Now, reasonably speaking, this is usually by the third night of a busy weekend, in the morning, or the second time in a day. My approach right now is to find a sneaky way of making my lover less exhausted and more ready to get going, so he can hopefully experience the same relaxing and restoring effects that I feel sex can provide.
For you, I would advise focusing on the little things. Tell your wife how beautiful she is, and notice small things so it doesnt seem like a comment intended towards sex, but a spontaneous thought that you couldnt keep to yourself.
Also try things such as giving her a massage- no sexual pressure at all, after a long days work. I have had orgasms both giving and receiving massages with my partner with little to no stimulation at all. The level of closeness that is both physical and emotional in this case is often enough to stimulate strong desire- if not a full orgasm. Perhaps with the pressure of sex being removed, she can relax enough to experience desire.
There are also herbal supplements and foods that can be included in the diet with libido boosting effects. Dark chocolate (especially with chiles in it) is one of the female favorites. Asparagus, oysters, champagne, maca powder(great to substitute for coffee) damiana tea, and a variety of fragrant herbs and spices (check ayurvedic philosophy) might help.
I personally find dairy to have a blocking effect on my body- sexual energy, mental clarity, and physical energy do not function the same way when I am eating dairy.
You can also suggest she try yoga, or at the very least, morning spinal flexes and twists. Cat/cow flexes as well as seated spinal flexes are known for removing energy blocks in the body and helping to balance the chakras, including the sacral.
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Your wife sounds very much like mine, and your situation sounds like mine. The only difference is i have resorted to a life of masturbation because i am very much sexually starved and i refuse to go outside the marriage to have sex. It is very frustrating though, but i don't see her changing at all. I go from been angry, withdrawn, resentful and back to accepting my fate. I love her, i love my family, but my sex life SUCKS!!!!!! I cannot cheat, but her not even been a tiny bit considerate to my needs is selfish on her part and very unfair, but i don't think she cares as she has always taken me for granted.
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Man I am so glad you posted this. I am 40+ and my wife wants 0 sex. I am so frustrated with her and I too have to turn to masturbation in order to curb the libido. If I could I would have sex multiple times a day for many days. I have tried the be nice, buy stuff, do things, message, etc. Nothing works, its like its a chore for her to have sex or even be intimate with me. We have 4 kids and I know they are draining, we have not been with each other in over 6 months. She has never liked to be touched. She sleeps as far away from me as she can in a king size bed. It is so frustrating. And now I feel like if we do have sex that she will think everything is all good. When it very much is not. Plus when we last spoke about how I want to be more intimate she made fun of the idea and joked repeatedly about it. All I can think now is to just stay together for the kids and once they all move out on their own then we can split.
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