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Healthy Vs Unhealthy Grieving Behaviors

by — Last updated: 2015-10-29 in Emotional & Stress Management

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Grief is a very natural part of life, but also an immensely difficult one. How do you cope with a loss in a healthy way, and what grieving behaviors are best avoided?

How Not To Grieve

Grief is the natural result of all kinds of losses, from the death of a loved one to a breakup with your partner, or experiencing a traumatic event that changed your life dramatically. Grief comes with difficult emotions, emotions like sadness, deep pain, and anger. Some of us seek ways to avoid feeling those emotions because they are too difficult to bear, while others experience external pressure not to display the pain they feel inside. These circumstances can lead us to deal with grief in very unhealthy ways. 

Actively trying to avoid emotional pain by burying yourself in work, other activities, or drinking too much can be extremely tempting but also leads to unresolved feelings in the future (not to mention liver disease and a myriad of other issues, in case of alcohol). Putting on a brave face because others in your circle think you should be "over it by now" or because you don't want to burden others is also a bad idea. 

Everyone grieves in their own individual way, but one thing is clear — avoiding grieving altogether is not a good thing. 

Wallowing in self-pity, isolating yourself from others who are there to help, and avoiding anything that may actually help you see the positive side of life out of guilt are also unhealthy approaches to grief. So, what should you do instead?

Your Grieving Process

Your grieving process doesn't follow a set timetable, and you're allowed to grieve as long as you want to. If you're the kind of person who processes difficult emotions best by sharing with others, don't be afraid to share what you're going through with supportive friends and relatives. If that's not an option, online or in-person support groups, or grief counseling, can help. Some people would rather process difficult emotions in solitude. In this case, online support groups may still help you — you're sharing with strangers, in the comfort of your own space, behind your computer. You may also like to keep a journal. 

While you're in the midst of grieving, it's important to take care of your physical self as well. Don't forget to eat or indulge in overeating. Exercising three or four times a week will help you stay in shape, and can also get those anti-stress hormones flowing. Make sure to get enough sleep (you may ask for medication to help you with that if it's not happening naturally), and once again, do not bury your feelings by using alcohol, or drugs for that matter.

Nobody has the right to tell you how you should feel, but it's a bad idea to try to hide your feelings from yourself. It's OK to cry, to feel angry, to be shocked, to feel a deep sense of emptiness. 

READ Why Mindfulness Doesn't Suck (Even If You're A Down-To-Earth Skeptic)

Sit with those emotions. Invite them in, while reflecting on the past. And be prepared for the road up ahead — you will start to feel joy again, you will notice that there are moments in life that aren't so bad. But also, you will be triggered by anything that reminds you of your loss. That's OK too. To help with triggers if you lost someone to death, you may find it meaningful to talk about your lost loved one on anniversaries, to visit their grave or a favorite place of theirs, or to throw a party or memorial service in their honor.