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I don't know why I'm doing this, I don't usually do this type of thing. I guess I think it would help if I just wrote everything down and had people read and maybe give me advice or tell me I'm being silly or lie to me to tell me everything will be ok, but I think at the end of the day it won't be.

On the 3rd of May 2007 I had an abortion. I never thought I would have one, especially at 20 years old. My partner and I are in love and have been talking about marriage, we live together and I'm past the point of no return - I can't live with out him. Apart from the fact I don't feel whole. This is the silly part... I was only 8 weeks pregnant. But I found information on a forming fetus a week after my abortion and found that at that time it was forming it's heart. I felt and still feel guilty. Empty. One of my friends had an abortion and she was thankful. After she woke up, she said that she couldn't stop saying thank you. I woke up and all I felt was pain, revultion and shame. I couldn't take it. I had week off work and my boyfriend looked after me, wouldn't let me get up apart from to go to the bathroom. I should have been happy to get waited on hand and foot but I wanted to get up, go outside and scream "why didn't I figure it out sooner!" I didn't want a termination and now it was too late. I'd thought long and hard about what was best for me and what other people thought was best for me but not what I wanted. I'd thought about changing nappies and doctors appointments. changing bed covers in the middle of the night and all the things that are supposed to be the things that put people off having children weren't doing anything to effect me, because at the end of the day I had life inside me, growing in me and nobody understood that! Not even people who I'd talked to that had abortions! 4 months after I'd found the papers and slips from the abortion when I was tidying up. I didn't tell my partner and we ended up having an argument over the most mundane of subjects of which now I can't remember. I was washing the dishes and the water started getting hot. And I let it get hot. I started scrubbing the back of my hands with a ruff side of the sponge. I didn't stop until my partner came in and fisically made me stop. He sat me down and cleaned my raw, scratched hands and when he asked why I did it I just burst into tears. We didn't have a doctor at the time so we had to go to the walk in centre. They dressed my wounds propery and said that I had to rest my hands for at least a week with no heavy lifting. I hated it. I now have scars on the back of my hands and every time I look at them all I think about is the child I could have had. which brings me up to today. I believed it would have been a girl, I don't know why becasue I've always hoped for a boy first but I geniunly believe it would have been a girl and my boyfriend thought it would be a good idea to do something so I didn't forget her. So he bought me a star and I named it what I would have named her. But after nearly a near has gone I don't want to remember, I either want her, physically here or not remember a thing! why is this so hard? I've never been a sensitive person and if this were one of my friends yeah I'd help them as much as I could but to be honest I'd just think they were crazy or something. Since that day I have had almost no sex drive and it really upsets me, and my boyfriend obviously. I don't know what to do. Everyone I want to talk to I try and they just want to get me off the subject. I want to talk and cry and shout and scream and all I need is for someone to know what it's like and listen... not shut me up. Is this even posible?

If you've read this far my apologies for this being so long. And Thank You, because you have already done more than any one person in my life has done within the last year.

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OK listen. You did what you thought was right at the time. People make mistakes, it's life. NO ONE is perfect. If you can say anything about having that abortion it's that you learned a valuble lesson from it.

The past is the past and there isn't anything you can do about it. All you can do is make sure that it doesn't happen in the future. Be strong about it. Don't ever second guess yourself about something like this or you will end up dying from guilt. When you do decide to have another baby you don't want to think about things that will put stress on you because that will put stress on the new baby and it's little heart isn't cut out for it yet. Calm it down, take one day at a time, understand you made the decision that was best for you at the time, and look forward to the future.
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Hi do you know what i was searching on here for the same type of thing. When i read your post i cried. I have recently gone through very similar circumstances and very similar feelings.

i have recently had an abortion (its hard for me to even say the word). Actually it was just over two weeks ago. Now im finding it very hard not to regret it and feel guilty. I can feel myself feeling lower and lower each day and trying so hard not to be. trying to take my mind off it but it always pops into my thoughts again. I find it hard when i see pregnant women in the street, babies etc pictures of babies well anything to do with pregnancy and babies.

Well im not in a long term relationship and i think that is the only difference here. I was with the said person only a few months. He turned out to be well not the guy i thought he was. As soon as he found out abotu me being p[regnant he turned into someone nasty something i never expected. He didnt want it and run me down and down.

No one thought it was the right thing to do everyone couldnt help but give their opinion and nothing ws really supportive of it. My family and friends that is. Well i weighed up all my options and the help and support i would have had. I had a scan and i was further along than i thought and didnt really have much time to make up my mind. My mind firstly was to keeping it but with all the pressure i ended up thinking that it wasnt the right time and circumstance to have a child.

I was at teh clinic hysterical and very distraught but i calmed down everntually and ended up going through with it. I didnt really want to leave it any longer i couldnt go away then come back it would have been too long and the bavby would have been further along.

Now i have feelings of regret and have actually suffered with panic and just a sense of doom if that makes any sense.

But ive been told that the decision has been made i cant go back however much i wish i could and by thinking this way im not doing myself any good because it will just bring me down. Whatever doesnt kill us makes us stronger and hopefully we will learn by this experience and not make the same mistakes again and live better lives.

I really do feel for you and what you are going through and i really think counselling or some sort of cognitive behavioural therapy will help especially the CBT as it will teach you copong methods on howe to deal with this and you and your boyfriend can improve your lives and try not to dwell on the past mistakes however hard they are.

i hope ths has helped

please reply
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Please if you feel you need a listening ear i dont mind listening i know i have recently gone through the same thing but im worried even though i dont know you. I hate anyone having to go through something sad like this.


**edited by moderator**
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tomorrow will be the year anniversary of my abortion. like you, i made a very numb decision. when i found out i was pregnant, my gut instinct was that it was not a good decision and would be a very bad situation for me then based on some personal reasons. i hadn't trusted my instinct in a long time (because of some relationship problems) so i needed to be able to i felt. and so i made my decision.

my boyfriend didn't want me to do it. begged me not. asked me to marry him. i wanted to marry him. wanted to have his children, eventually. we both knew this. but wherever i was in head and heart at that time, really felt like i couldn't. really felt like it was a bad decision for me in terms of who and where i was at the time. he couldn't marry me without the baby...

we broke up 2 months later because he said we "weren't happy".

i immediately moved back home (i was in another state) and have been for the past year trying to forgive myself which seems impossible even still. wanting the baby back. wanting to take it all back. still struggling to find peace...
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I too have had the same situation. I had an abortion 2 years 4 months ago. I am still not over and it don't know if I ever will be. I am married and was married when this happened. My husband said to me that we could not afford another child. We have 3, but after my abortion he wanted his niece to come live with us. At first I was ok with it, but once she came things changed. In my mind I felt like he wants her to be our baby. She and no one else will or can ever replace my baby. We are constantly arguing because of her. I have had to tell him that I do not love her like he does and she is not my child, so stop acting like this situation (i hate saying the word) never happened. He says he doesn't feel like it never happened, but I beg to differ. I thought at first that I must be crazy for feeling like I have and still do, but I know I am not. I see other women have the same feelings I have. It is hard. I never thought it would be. I know women who have had this done before, but I didn't know it would affect me like this. I have come to the conclusion that I am mad at myself for not taking my time and thinking about it more. I think I was so mad at my husband for saying what we could not afford that I felt like why do I want to have his baby anyway. He doesn't want it. That was the biggest mistake I could have ever made. I know I can not turn back the hands of time, but I pray everyday for God to forgive me and help me throught this mistake I have made. If you need a shoulder to lean on I am always here.
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I been ther. I know is very painful. In fact it has been the worse pain in my life, When other bad things happen to me they don't hurt anymore. There's no bigger pain for me than the one I felt after having the abortion. Many of us that went through an abortion feel the same pain but like you are doing you have to put your faith in God. Give your child a name and talk to him/her. Your baby is in a better place now. An angel watching over you. God is wonderful and he has forgiven you already. One thing that I have learned to appreciatte after this is other people. Is not that I didn't appreciatted them before is just that now I see everybody as a good being that deserves our love and comprehension. Sometimes our temper goes up and we mistreat others. Now I don't do that anumore. I hardly get upset now. After the abortion I had become a more understanding human being. Don't take it out on your niece. She deserves love just like your little angel in heaven and your other kids. This should make you a better person not an angry person. Get into a support group where you can discuss your feelings and get some help to easy the pain. There's healing.
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This time 3 years ago I found out that I was pregnant. My boyfriend (now husband) and I decided to terminate the pregnancy. We were both in college, barely making enough money to support ourselves, let alone a baby. I think because we made such a quick decision I never had time to deal/cope with what had happened. Now everyone around me is having babies. I want to cry everytime I see someone pregnant. How do you deal with something like this?
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I had an abortion in May, I have not come to terms with it. My baby should have been born at the beginning of December. I guess the only way I can help is to let you know you aren't the only one who feels like you do. It is the most difficult thing I have ever done.

I wanted my baby, but my partner said we couldn't. Our financial situation was in ruin and we lived in his mother's spare room. However, despite the reasons being piled up against us, I still wanted the baby, perhaps I was being selfish? My partner has children from a previous relationship. This did not help as I felt as though my baby and I were not good enough. After the abortion my partner was not supportive, the very next day he was back with his children. It's not about his children as they've been in his life longer; however, leaving me alone in my time of need made it about them. I'm not allowed to see his children as his ex wife does not allow it, they are currently going through a divorce and he wants it to be final before he 'rocks the boat'. He says that he found it hard as he felt guilty, he is not an emotional person. However, I do appreciate this but it can't make up for the fact that I was (and still am) in a really difficult place and felt so alone and worthless.

I don't know what to do. I love my boyfriend more than anything in the world. I've sacrificed alot and been there for him no matter what. I feel that he did not reciprocate support to me. I have to do something as I am going to end up loosing him. I need some advice on how to come to terms with it all. All I can think about is that I should have been a mummy now. He says that he wants children with me one day, but words are cheap. I feel he had the perfect chance previously.
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It is a year to the day I had my abortion , a decision I will regret and will remember for the rest of my life. I too had a terrible time after I chose to let my precious baby go at 6 and a half weeks. I felt my life had ended, I already have a child who is my world and it is my love for him that kept me strong. I believed in god but only occassionally went to church, my sadness and heartbroken pain was overbearing and I actually went to the church for forgiveness, the priest held a service in honor of my baby who I named. It helped greatly more than I could have imagined at the time, although the sadness within me lives on, not a day goes by where I don't look to the sky and tell my baby how much i love it. A year on some days I am fine and every now and then the sadness is overwhelming. My decision to let my baby go was made with my head and not with my heart, everything and everyone was against the idea of me keeping my baby, but no one ever asked how much my baby meant to me. Out of fear I made my decision, I felt at the time I had no choice. I feel like I now have two hearts, one which is full to the brill and overspilling with love for my wonderful child I am so lucky to have and yet the other heart is broken in two. In my eyes I have two children and both mean the world to me but only one that I can hold. My children will be precious to me forever. It is so sad to think that no one ever warns you of the pain and sadness you may feel.
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I had an abortion on 8-2-08. I regret my decision but have come to terms with what I did and why. We are not killers ladies! We didn't want to feel this pain after termination, we thought our decisions were in our babies best interest. We are blessed to say we are mothers of angels. Talk to your babies. Pray for them and always know that God forgives those who accept him into their hearts. Hugs!
Gina
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I had an abortion 6 months ago and I think about it every day. When i close my eyes to go to sleep at night, that day plays in my head over and over until i cry myself to sleep. After i had it, i woke up in the doctors crying. A nurse had to come over and calm me down because i knew i had just made the biggest mistake of my life. I was only about 8 weeks along but still. I will never get over what i did. I tried to tell myself that my baby is in heaven and i know its true, but i still find no comfort. My boyfriend said it was my decision but i know he was scared and really didn't want me to keep the baby. We're still together and we fight all the time about it. I try to tell him that i'll never get over it and im always going to feel this emptiness. The baby would have been born around my birthday. You're not alone. I can't tell you when this hurt is going to go away. It might be never, but maybe you can find comfort in knowing lots of girls/women are feeling exactly the way you are.
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I don't know if you'll ever get this, because I'm writing 3 years after you posted it. but I just want you to know that everything you said is what I'm feeling now. I had one a year ago this month, there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about it. If I couldn't bring back time..I'd do it, and I'd have a baby right now. I'd give anything to just see my baby...to see if it was a boy or girl, to name him or her, see if he or she looks like me. I see a pregnant woman and I get jealous. I don't know how to get any better, I don't know how to get it out of my mind.
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I also go through this pain and loss 1 yr 3 months later. Not a day goes by without me thinking, praying, wanting, loving my baby. My husband and i decided to go thru with this after I devastatingly found out I was pregnant with the 3rd. i was so weak and sick and a bit post partum. he thought it was best. We did not wait long, everything was over wihtin 2 days of finding out. i was 4 weeks. i wish now that I was stronger to say 'NO!!!!' I wish now I took a few days to think more and realise wat a big mistake it would be. We have never told anyone. he does not talk about it at all. every month before my cycle I tend to go thru this very depressive state and when he nags me to find out wat is wrong & I mention the baby, he walks away or ignores it. Once he did mention he wishes he could change things as well. Before we did it, he said we do not have to tell anyone and we can talk about it if we ever need to. But now i feel like my world is crumbling down. I never realised how deeply this is affecting me until the yesterday when we had a huge fight and i blurted out 'u killed my baby'. he drove off and I was left to put the kids to bed and then deal with my pain. Now I just can't stop thinking, crying. I feel so suicidal. I have no one to talk 2, this is the first kind of mention of wat I feel. i can't cope, my head feels like expolding. I try to convince myself that it was just 2 weeks post a menstral cycle and not a baby. But I play that dreadful day in my mind over and over again. i think about holding my baby in my arms. No one put a gun to my head or shoved the pill down my throat. I know I am only to blame, I know I am going to hell. i love my 2 kids and often say I would kill for them, but I have killed my baby. My only reason to for going another day is my 2 kids, who else will take care of them. I now think of myself as a mother of 3. i still can't believe wat I had done, it feels like it is a nightmare. i usually am the self righteous one and I of all people had done something so sinful, I have killed and killed my own baby. i wish that I had taken the time to search sites about abortion, it seems like this is the only feeling mothers have. I know the pain will never ease. i feel that now I need to pay for my sins and I do not ever deserve to be happy again. My husband & I had the biggest fight ever but I really don't care, the only pain I feel is the loss of my child. Everything else is so wonderful in my life right now and people looking at us will think how happy we are, but inside I am a lifeless soul. I wish the earth will open up and suck me in, I keep looking for something high that I could possibly hang myself from.
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hi

i know its abit late to post a comment as these seem to be from 2008 ect, i to have had an abortion a year ago and even writing them words make me cringe inside i feel sort of empty and sad inside, i found out i was 7weeks pregnant it was an accident and i should have been more carful but lets be honest you never think its going to happen to you.
at the time i was in full time college and i worked in a few months i would also be traveling away to university i first it seemed clear to me that this was the rite thing to do i had my carerer ahed of me and had my life planned out, when i first found out i was pergant it was a n accident id had stomach cramps for about 3weeks and had missed my period this wasent abnormal as i have polycystic ovaries a t the time but my gut instint told me to take a test.
i was pregnant my fiance of two years now thought the test could be wrong and that nnite went to sleep whereas i styaed up and stared at the test knowing it was rite i felt different inside now.
the firs tthing i did was go to the doctors who confirmed the pregnacy i remeber bursting out in tears crying infront of her nd my bf, i felt asif i knew what i had to do i told 2 of my best mates and they came down from college to see me we just rang up the abortion number and booked the apppointment like it was obvious what was to happen and at the time it was the rite thing.
the 2weeks wne tpast up tot he appoinment date and i had terrible morning sickness everyday, apperntly it can be worse if it is an unwanted pregnancy, each day i felt more real about the baby it wasent a feotus it was my baby on the bus i ddint feel alone even when there was no1 eles ther i have to admit i even spoke to my baby sometimes appologising for what i was going to do and asking him/her to come bback to me another time, it was my way of dealing with it.
i have to admit alot of times i wanted to keep the baby i imagined geting up late for it buying clothes having this person to care for.
i still went ahead with the termination if i had ever told my family my mum would have killed me and thrown me out i was 20 at the time bbut i still ive at home and she has threatend me b4 and said if anything like that ever happend she would be furious and dissapointed even thought she had me at 19.
i went ahead wiht it and by the time the day came i was so exhausted from crying and being sick i was in a way relived it was going to be over, i had the first tablet to stop the supply to the baby and it was the most difficult thing i have ever done putting that tablet into my mouth the next day i lay int the hospital bed and after about6hours a miscarriege was induced it wasent as painful as i thought but it felt asif death was inside me.
i saw my baby when it had come out it was so small and perfect and helpless it mite sound weired but i didnt want to leave it there. the nurses told me that they cremate them and told me the cemetry where they are
that was a year ago and it hurts me sooo much now i would have my baby now and i would be a mummy a bought a flower that blooms continuously every year to remind me of my baby and i hope one day i am blessed with that child agen.
it is the hardest thing i have ever done in my life and i feel a constant ache inside me everyday my bf seems to never want to talk about it but i i takl about it i feel less weiged down with the upset it still hurst as much even more than when it first happend and i would never have a termination again, im not saying to women dont but be carful and think about what your doing its part of you and a life, if a termination is deffinatly the rite thingt o you in your time in life i sent you my love because its difficult bbut pleas ethink carfully because regret is somthing that is difficult to have on your concious. i dont knnow if it was the rite time for me but i miss my baby everyday and im sad for what happend but even sadder for my irrisponsiblity for it to happen in the first place.
i feel better now for writing this as i dont reali have anyone to spk to about it.
sorry for going on soo much needed to talk.
any comments are welcome but please no anti abortionists because it is my body and i have to deal with the consequences without some id**t ranting about something they would never know about.

thankyou

l

x
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