Losing a loved one is unquestionably among the most painful experiences human beings go through. Regardless of how many times you have been faced with the loss of someone close to you, you can never get used to it. Unfortunately, grief is a universal experience that nobody can escape. How do you cope with it in a healthy way?
Grief
The most devastating kind of grief for most people is the grief associated with the loss of a child, spouse or parent. Although there is no right or wrong reaction to the loss of a close relative, grief is how one reacts to a loss, and all losses involve the absence of someone loved who played a crucial role in your emotional life. When we talk about grief, we are mostly focused on the emotional response to a loss, but grief also has other dimensions: physical, philosophical, social, behavioral and cognitive.
The Stages of Grief
The 5 stages of grief were defined by Elsabeth Kubler-Ross in her book "On Death and Dying". These stages were originally not the 5 stages of grief but the 5 stages of receiving the catastrophic news. Over the years her concept was mutated into 5 distinct stages of grief, which are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance. These stages define the process very roughly, and grief is a very complicated and multi-dimensional process, but most of all, grief is individual process that cannot be generalized into this classification nor any other. While everyone likely experiences all of these stages, they don't necessarily take place in that order, and it is possible to experience more than one of the stages of grief at the same time.
The ebb and flow of grief
John Bowlby, a psychiatrist, described an ebb and flow of grief, loosing using the following stages:
- Shock and Numbness: A feeling which occurs very early in the grief cycle and are a sign of self-protection involving feelings (or lack thereof) of unreality, withdrawal, depersonalization.
- Yearning and Searching: The grieving person tries to locate the lost person; hears the person at the door, sees the person in the crowd, although realizing this must not be true.
- Disorganization and Despair: The realization that everything is different, there are no more morning talks, he doesn't come home at 5 p.m.. This process is associated with mourning and severe pain, and there are no easy answers to this difficult experience, which may also be very dangerous, and in some cases leads to suicidal actions.
- Reorganization: this process actually means the assimilation of the loss into a new meaning to life without the loved person. In cases when people lose their spouses, a new definition of identity must take place for healing, and in elderly people this process might take the rest of their lives.
Normal and complicated grief
Normal grief usually encompasses the 5 stages (or few of the 5 stages) of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, although not all necessarily in that order.
In complicated grief, grief also cycles through these 5 stages, but then people start processing them out of order and/or often much more rapidly. Some complicated grieving periods end with suicide, and it is also known that examples of complicated grief can often be found in people who have survived a suicide.
A grief that after a year or two begins to worsen and is accompanied by unusual behaviors, is a warning sign of complicated grief.
However, access this with some caution: it takes time to say good bye.
Health risks followed by grief
Many studies prove that grief is related with stress-related illnesses. Statistics prove that there is five times greater risk of suicide in teens following the death of a parent.
Research also shows that in the first 6 months after losing loved ones, visits to the doctors increase, and reporting difficulties such as breathing problems, colitis etc. Nevertheless, grief influences both body and mind. Crying, lack of sleep, nightmares, appetite problems, dryness of mouth, shortness of breath, loss of care for one's physical and emotional wellbeing... these all contribute to a illness predispositions.
Read More: How to overcome grief & loss of a loved one?
How to help yourself or a grieving person?
Grief takes a lot of energy. If you lost a close person, treat yourself with the same love and care that you would offer to a good friend in the same situation.
Not everyone is the same, thus chose the advices that seem most appealing to you. Grief takes time. Forget about all notions of a fixed period of mourning. Grief takes time, thus give yourself time. Don't throw yourself into your work or other activities that leave you no time for grieving
Ask for help and accept it. Do not think you're bothering anyone, and don't be afraid to ask for help from those close to you. Join a self-help group – they know how to deal with grief and offer support and friendship.
Let your feelings out. Cry, talk, mourn, be depressed – allow yourself to feel what you feel. If you don't let your feelings out, they will find their way out — one way or another.
Do not be afraid of depression; every grieving person deals with depression, but do not withdraw totally from others, and if you're considering suicide, please get professional help. Get professional help even if you're not thinking about suicide, but you think you might need help.
Moderate exercises help: they reduce stress and may also help you with your sleeping problems.
Be good to yourself. Take walks, relaxing baths, and start to build pleasant life with your friends and family, when you're ready of course. Do not feel guilty if you have a good time, your loved one would want you to be happy. When you feel ready, start doing what you've always wanted to do: take a diving class, learn tennis. Some people find great satisfaction in the need of others, so perhaps helping others would help you build self-confidence. It really might help to ease the pain.
It is a natural urge to want to help those we love. One person wants nothing to cry, another wishes to talk about loved one for hours and hours, while someone else would prefer to grieve privately and may put up emotional "walls" to be able to do so. Respect their wishes. Ask, how can you help. You will need a lot of energy. Just be a good friend.