I do, to a certain extent anyway, "understand how much you love and feel the need to protect your baby from the moment you know its there" I also realise that "it hurts so much"
"Now its done ive never regreted anything more in my life" I can understand how you would feel that way.
"How do i move on?"
- To move on you have to accept what you have done, even though you regret it .. even though you realise you made a big mistake.
- You might well "feel blank and useless" but you are not. The fact that you have come to a realisation of what you have done and that you want to move on is a good sign that you are not "useless".
- You "feel so stupid and hurt", and that is understandable. Having done a stupid thing does not render you stupid. You feel hurt because you were let down by someone you loved and you thought loved you.
- You are by no means in a unique situation. Many others have reacted a similar way to you regarding a regretted abortion.
- Remember you are grieving. That process takes time.
- You need to think why you "agreed to go ahead with the abortion because he wanted it". If you were under pressure, you need to ensure there is no undue pressure in the future.
- You still say he wanted it "for good reason." Do you really think so? Are you saying that your reasons for not wanting an abortion were not good (or as good)? If "he wants to travel and get life sorted out first" where do you fit in to this?
- You know you "could have had the baby and gotten through okay", but you would not have had his total support. However many others have had to carry on on their own ... and successfully.
- You need to forgive yourself (hard I know).
- There are family orientated agencies who are able to help and support you through your grief. Or maybe folk at a church you might be associated with.
I hope this helps a bit. If you want to chat more, feel free to do so. Just talking (or crying) with someone is sometimes very therapeutic.