No Longer Attracted To Your Partner: Is Your Marriage Salvageable?

Remember when you were really, really in love, right at the beginning of your relationship? Unless you had already known your spouse in some other capacity for a good while, chances are that lust played a huge role in that period of your life — just getting to know each other, there wasn't much else to go on. The love new couples feel is exciting, fresh, obsessive, and a little idealistic. When we're in love, we tend to see all those great bits of our partners, while being blind to their less appealing attributes. Few modern people, however, are able to feel this giddy love towards someone they are completely physically unattracted to. 

As we're together for longer, the nature of that initial attraction changes. We intimately know our spouses and their face starts representing who they are, rather than just being a face. 

What People With Great Marriages Say About Attraction

"Are you still attracted to your spouse?" I asked some friends, relatives, and acquaintances. Those who said they have great marriages all answered in a similar way. 

"I'm more attracted to my husband now than I was at the beginning," another shared. "After 10 years together, we have been through a lot. He is a wonderful father, a wonderful partner, and a wonderful friend. The deep connection we have now only adds to the attraction." 

"I love my wife. It isn't just looks, though she looks great too. It's everything, it's who she is," one who has been married for 17 years said. 

Others were less romantic, admitting that life's stresses, hormones, and physical changes meant that physical attraction came and went in cycles, but also adding that marriage is about so much more than physical attraction after a while.

How Much Does Physical Attraction Matter?

A survey of over 1,000 people of both sexes, conducted by Harris Interactive, revealed that 78 percent of participants believed physical attraction was key within a marriage. Interestingly, however, after the first seven years of marriage, factors like shared interests and communication skills became much more important.

A whopping 92 percent of participants admitted that they felt their relationship was healthier when both partners felt good about their own physical appearance, while 52 percent of people shared that they would like it if their spouse paid more attention to their physical appearance. 

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Physical attraction, it seems, is rather important within a marriage, but also influenced by life and personality factors. What if you are repulsed by your partner's appearance, and can't stand the thought of being intimate with them, then? Does that mean that your marriage is over, or do you still have hope? 

Is Your Marriage Over?

Though research reveals that physical attraction continues to play an important role even in established marriages, those I asked for their opinions and who said they were still very much attracted to their spouses all said that their attraction was the result of many intertwined factors. "It's love, compatibility, family and shared experiences," one concluded. In other words, even the physical attraction people in great marriages feel towards their partners isn't strictly physical. Rather, seeing their spouse evokes all kinds of positive feelings in these people. 

The opposite can also be true. "I was married for 13 years and had not found him attractive for many of those," a divorcee I asked told me. "Because he was a horrible person. He looked good, but after he revealed his true character, no amount of looks could save the marriage." 

Fascinatingly, then, after years of marriage, our partner's personality influences how attracted we are to them. Being repulsed by your partner can absolutely be a sign that your marriage is not only in danger, but really already over in all but name. However, as those with good marriages already noted, a lack of physical attraction can also merely represent a temporary situation, either something that will pass on its own or something you can solve. 

What are some common reasons for which you may not feel that attraction right now, and what can you do about them?

A Sucky Love Life

Work, finances, pregnancy and children, and routine — aren't these the things that doom your intimate life? Couples who aren't satisfied in the bedroom any more often get the advice to "kink it up" a little, but though that works for some, all others need is to prioritize spending time together, doing those same things they did when they were just getting to know each other. Have dinner together, laugh, talk the night away, show an interest in each other, and prepare little surprises for one another.

If your love life isn't satisfying because you've never told your partner what does it for you, now's the time to let them know. It's not their fault that they can't read your mind!

You're Taking Each Other For Granted

Have either of you fallen into the trap of only telling the other when something bothers you? Do you use your partner as a verbal punchbag, unloading your vents onto them? Do you get hung up on those little things you never thought would matter when you were a new couple? You're taking each other for granted. Stop it, because that stuff can end a marriage. Commit to noticing and verbalizing the positive, and be as compassionate towards your partner as you would like them to be to you. 

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Your Partner Is Just Not Sexy Any More

Well, yes, it happens. One woman who met her husband when they were both teenagers admitted that he wasn't physically attractive any more. "He's 46 now and has a belly, wrinkles, and scars from an operation. He looks completely different than when we met. No, objectively, he isn't attractive any more." She still loves him. "His physical appearance shows his character, and I think to myself, I love that man!" 

If you have a simple preference, however, you're also walking on a thin line — saying your partner needs to change something about their physical appearance can, in itself, deeply hurt feelings and contribute towards the ending of a marriage. 

If you are not attracted to your partner any more, it is time to figure out exactly what you're not attracted to, and whether you can work towards solving that together or you are truly done. Only you can ultimately answer that question.