Stop That Tantrum: Step-by-step

Step One: Remain Calm

Don't lose your temper. Meeting your child's heightened emotion with your own is the worst thing you can do. Remain calm. Even if they empty a packet of flour over the floor, remain calm.

If you feel your temper rising, step out for a moment to get some air.

Step Two: Distract your Toddler

It can be possible to distract your toddler (under four) before their tantrum has a chance to gather steam. If your child is having a tantrum in the supermarket because you won't buy them sweets, ask a question: "Would you like to help me choose something for dinner?"

Step Three: Offer food, check the nappy, check for pain

Children throw tantrums if their blood sugars are low; they throw tantrums if they have a dirty nappy; they throw tantrums if they are in pain or feel sick. If it's been three hours or more since their last meal, offer a carb-based snack. Check their nappy is clean. Ask if they are in pain (or "hurt") anywhere. Handling a tantrum could be as easy as tackling their physical discomfort.

Also remember, any child whose tantrums regularly reach or exceed ten minutes may have something medically wrong with them, so consult your doctor.

Step Four: Find a Quiet Corner

If you have toddlers or young children, describe the scene calmly, using their name: "Lily, you're screaming. You need to be calm so you can talk to Mummy and tell her what's wrong". If/when the screaming continues, pick your toddler up, carry them outside the supermarket or to a quiet corner of the house and kneel by them. Tell your child, "Lily, you need to stay here until you're calm and ready to talk."

Don't touch your child, but promise, "When your calm, we'll have a big hug and talk all about it."

Then turn your back. Don't make any further moves to quiet them. As soon as the child quietens (and they will), turn around and give them the promised big hug and pull them onto your lap to talk.

If you worry that a delay in attention will harm your child, it may comfort you to see the projection of a toddler's tantrum.

• 0 seconds: A flicker of anger
• 30 seconds: Foot-stamping
• 90 seconds: Anger has peaked
• 3.5 minutes: The tantrum is over. The child wants comfort.
• 6 minutes: It's like it never happened.

Who'd have guessed it was only three-and-a-half minutes?

Step Four: Talk it Through

If your child is older, use the same calm voice and acknowledge your child's feelings, without acknowledging their behaviour: "You're very upset right now. If you calm down we can talk about it together."

This can be successful. If it doesn't work, offer a choice. Older children often throw tantrums when they feel they have no choice. If your child can't calm down, say in the same calm way, "You can either calm down or you can go to your room until you're ready to talk". Always follow through.

Step Five: Be firm

Don't buy those sweets just because your child has humiliated you in front of half of the supermarket. If you do, you will only reinforce the behaviour and teach the lesson that tantrum-throwing will help your child get their way. But do be empathetic. Do give a reason. Tell your child, "We're going to eat soon, and if I bought you those sweets you'd spoil your appetite."

Step Six: Show your Love

When the tantrum is over, give your child a hug and tell them you love them. Tantrums are frightening for children. They are overwhelmed by emotions they have no control over. Don't be angry or shake your head in disappointment. Just give your child a hug, go on with your day and say no more about it. It will soon be forgotten.

READ The Gift of a Happy Parent

Step Seven: Prevention is better than a cure

If your child seems particularly prone to tantrums, try the following steps:

• Plan your life: Don't go shopping when your child is hungry or tired, which will make tantrums more likely. Ask your child to help you choose things. If you're waiting in line or riding a bus, take a small inexpensive toy for your child to play with, or plan some games to play.
• Be consistent: Small children thrive with consistent mealtimes, naptimes, bedtimes, and snacktimes. So make a reasonable schedule and stick with it.
• Give choices: "Green beans or peas", "Pink dress or yellow dungarees". Giving a set of limited, appropriate choices will prevent frustrations by allowing your child to feel in control.
• Praise good behaviour: Don't over-egg the omelette (kids can tell when parents gush excessively), but when your child's behaved really nicely in the supermarket, tell them: "It was nice to see you behaving so well today."

Although their biology means that children will always have tantrums, by reacting calmly and consistently, you can reduce the impact the have on your life, and on the life of your child.