How To Have A Good Relationship With Your Mother In Law

There is no secret recipe to having a good relationship with your mother in law, and what works well for one woman may spell disaster for another.

A Times of India article, for instance, advises brides-to-be to treat their mothers and their mothers in law equally, and stresses the importance of being attentive, adding that if your mother in law expects to be waited on hand and foot, you should enlist your husband's help. It also mentions that your mother in law has "years of experience" and you shouldn't feel afraid to take her advice. 

The UK's Daily Mail has an unabashedly British take on things, and instead advises you to turn tensions into jokes, to start showing up unannounced at your mother in law's house if she does this to you, and to talk about any tensions you feel right away rather than bottling things up. 

These two different approaches make it beyond clear that there is no one "right" approach, and that cultural factors play a primary role in the relationship you'll have with your mother in law. There are, however, some general guidelines that can help you establish a good relationship with your mother in law, providing that she is a decent person:

• Accept that she's there to stay, and that she's the way she is. You don't want her to try to change you, so don't do this to her, either.
• Know that she may well be as nervous about the relationship as you are, and cut her some slack for initial awkwardness. 
• Find something to connect over other than her son, whether it's gardening, a TV show, or pedicures. 
• Develop a thick skin and a sense of diplomacy. If you run into issues, try to judge the intentions behind her actions, rather than the actions themselves. 
• Compromise on the little things when possible. 
• Avoid saying things that may make her feel that you are a barrier that has come between her and her son.

In a word, the key to a successful relationship with your mother in law is respect. Respect can go a long way, but only if it is mutual. If your mother in law has turned into a monster in law, and it is too late to establish a good relationship, you have to take a different approach. 

Dealing With Spiteful Mothers In Law

Having a monster in law can create some serious tensions within your marriage, especially if your husband doesn't see her in the same light. If your relationship with your mother in law has gone sour, rather than trying to salvage it, it is probably time for Plan B — keeping sane and staying as far away as reasonably possible, yet not letting yourself be trampled on. 

Let everything else slide right off, and refuse to engage in conversations that make the dynamic even worse. Go for a walk, call a friend, write in a journal, do whatever it takes to stay sane — but don't try to reason with her, because that will only make things worse. 

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I dealt with my mother in law by "love bombing" her and visiting her every week, even when her son didn't want to see her. While she was dying, she told me that "though we had our differences, I actually do like you". My friend and her husband had an even more effective solution: they moved across the Atlantic and know that the trips they take to see his mother every four years or so end before they're ripe for a mental health facility.