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I don't know where to go for help, this is very overwhelming. I've had some very interesting things happen to me in my life, and I'm not sure what, if anything, they mean.

When I was a kid - around 5 or 6 - I was suicidal. There were a number of times where I would hold a knife to my throat or stomach and wonder what would happen if I pushed it in. I was aware of death, I knew about heaven and hell, I knew that it would be permanent... I thought about what the world would do without me - it was satisfying.

I had a difficult time in school when I was young; I was fat, socially inept, and a teachers pet. Those three things (as well as some other more personal things) brought a lot of ridicule. It was tolerable in elementary school - ignorance is bliss, right? But when I hit Junior High it was horrible. I was still a teachers pet, but I became introverted and depressed. I wasn't particularly suicidal, but to give you an idea of where my head was: when Columbine happened all I could think of was how terribly inept the two guys were - how, if I had access to guns, I could've done such a better job. I chose not to, though, because I figured the piss ants in my junior high would be worse off if they suffered through life flipping burgers or pushing boxes.

But I'm not always depressed, most of the time I'm just apathetic and cynical. It seems like there's been times in my life where I get so depressed I can't do anything. Other times I'm full of energy.

Anyway, why I originally came to post is because I say things that I can't control. It's been happening since junior high in different ways, but for the last three it's been saying a certain curse phrase, or "I want to go home." Even when I'm at home. I don't understand any of this c**p.

All this whining makes me sound emo or goth... which I hate. I feel like expressing these issues is showing weakness, but I need help. Whenever I feel as depressed as I am now and I look for help I stop myself and think "stop bitching, you're fine." or "don't waste your time, there's nothing wrong with you."

This is frustrating.

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Community Administrator
464 posts
It would certainly help you if you talked to some about it. When I say someone, I think of a professional worker. I suppose that your school social worker or psychologist is out of the question. What you could do is look at the yellow pages and look for phone numbers of different mental health services in your neighborhood. You can phone anybody from clinical social workers, Family and child Counselors; Psychologists or Psychiatrists. If any of them can’t help you, they will certainly direct you to someone who can.

From your post, I figured you may have a bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder is characterized with mood swings just like you mentioned. AT some point you are depressed and at others you are so full of energy. This depression includes problems with sleep, lack of motivation and concentration, problems with doing certain tasks, crying spells and sometimes even self-harm. Mania can be full and hypo. It is when you don’t have a need for sleep, you are full of energy, can’t self-control, have increased sexual activities, when you are irritable, etc….hypomania would have the same symptoms but not that extreme.

You shouldn’t be ashamed about this happening to you, there are thousands of different people who have the same thing going. The thing is that with proper treatment, you can be better and feel better. At least it would help not wonder all the time if I were normal or not. I know it can be devastating, I hand similar phases but I managed to control them somehow, they were as severe but I often thought about talking to a professional.

Anyway, this may not be your case, but it would certainly help to see someone.
They may give you some tests to do and by talking to them, they can see if you need some sort of treatment.
If you have any more questions, feel free to ask.
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