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I hope I can heal somehow from sharing my story...

I am Borderline...all the criteria...you name it...cutting, binge drinking, inappropriate rage, risky sex, mood swings, going from love to hate, intolerance of being alone, etc. etc. I also have mild OCD where I check the contents of my purse all the time.

I'm a mom. 2 Boys, ages 9 and 11. Their father and I were sharing half custody, but it stopped working. One reason, because I live in a 2 bedroom home with an 85 year old grandfather, my mother and 22 year old sister (both of whom are iv drug users -- I am NOT) My "bedroom" is the living room couch and my kids had to sleep on the floor. It just got to be too much and their father is taking custody.

Which is fine, but here's the other part...

I am in love with a wonderful man. We met online years ago and he spent 8 months here with me before an "episode" broke us up and he returned home 600 miles away. We reconciled, I went to visit, we chose to make our relationship work...but I realized I CANNOT handle a long distance relationship. I just can't.

I can't have my kids here anyway, and I want to be with my fiance. He asked me to move in with him and I said yes. This is 600 miles away. My kids dad said NO WAY are they coming to spend part of the year with me. So, I feel like I am abandoning them. But I know that the move would be healthy for me, I would have more support, more resources, more love and happiness.

I can't make it on my own here. Even if I had a job, I know I'd lose an apartment (I've been evicted three times, it's like I am an incapable child) My fiance says we can make a wonderful life together and we can go to court and ask the judge to let the kids at least spend summers with us until they are old enough to choose who they want to live with...they told me they want to go with me.

My family that I live with is telling me I am choosing my fiance over them and my kids. Maybe this is true, but I love my kids and I want to have them. But I also want to marry the love of my life and grow old with him. If I could handle long distance, I would. But I can't.

I don't know why I'm posting. I don't know what I want or need to hear. I feel like a failure at motherhood and life. I am afraid my kids will hate me. But, I'm leaving tomorrow, everything is set. I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation. If I stay, I don't have the kids anyway and live with abusive drug addicts on a couch without the man I love (who is also a parent.) If I go, I have a better life but am 600 miles from my kids. As you can probably tell, the second option is my choice and preference, but I feel guilty and selfish.

I guess I just needed to vent, but please feel free to comment honestly. All I ask is that no one be hateful, I cannot take any more hate directed at me

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Health Ace
6162 posts
hey there.... this is a tricky/tough situation...... have you talked to your kids and asked their opinion on things? if you stayed how often would they get to see you?
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Biomajor wrote:

hey there.... this is a tricky/tough situation...... have you talked to your kids and asked their opinion on things? if you stayed how often would they get to see you?


I SAY IF YOU REALLY LOVE YOUR KIDS YOU GET A NEW PLACE WITH OUT NEGATIVE PPL AND MAKE A GREAT HOME FOR YOUR BABIES , THEY ARE ONLY LITTLE ONCE AND YES YUR BEING SELFISH, AND TO WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR ALREADY LEAVING TOMORROW SO WHAT WAS THE POINT IN ADVICE OR POSTING YOU ALREADY CHOSE OVER YOUR KIDS, YOUR BABIES WILL ALWAYS NEED THIER MOTHER, IF YOU REALLY WANTED TO YOU WOULD MAKE SURE YOUR KIDS HAD A HOME AND BED WITHOUT DRUGIES IN YOUR HOME , YOU WOULD PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN FOR THEM. I AM A SINGLE MOTHER WITH 4 KIDS MY KIDS ARE EVERYTHING TO ME, THEY EACH HAVE T HIER OWN ROOM AND I WOULD NEVER CHOSE OVER THEM NEVER. ! ARE YOUR LAME EXCUSES DONT FLY WITH SOMEONE WHO HAD TO MAKE SOME OF THE SAME CHOICES YOUR MAKING. WHEN YOU HAVE CHILDREN YOUR WANTS AND NEEDS ARE LAST! THEY WERE BORN TO THIS WORLD BECAUSE YOU WANTED THEM , THEY DID NOT ASK TO BE HERE MUCH LESS BE ABANDONED BY YOU FOR SOME GUY! AND IF THE JERK REALLY LOVED YOU HE WOULD NEVER EVER MAKE YOU CHOOSE BETWEEN HIM AND YUR BABIES!
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