Hi everyone. I just turned 19 and I live in my own with my cuzin for over 6 months. I struggle. I cry sometimes and I feel abandoned. My mom kicked me out because "she's sick of me", because "I'm nobody and I'm useless", because "I sleep with other men" (when I'm still a virgin, and I told to come to the doctor with me and she refused). My dad died when I was 2 years old and I don't remember him. My mom never in my life told me the words "I love you". She never said "you're pretty", she would say "that shirt looks nice on you" but I never heard her say I'M pretty. Me wearing maskera would make my mom say "you look like a monkey, you're ugly". At 19 I struggle with self confidence a lot. I think EVERYONE is pretty in their own way, but I don't see ANYTHING in myself. I think I'm the ugliest person on this planet. I just wish I never was born. I sometimes wish I was a disabled girl that didn't care how she looks and would have self confidence in myself like many other disabled people do in this world right now. My mom always said "you will have a bad husband, you will cry from your kids" "you will never have a lucky life". But I follow what the Bible says and it says if you don't serve the curse that it will come back to the person that said it to you. My mom was physically abused by her 1st husband and she hated him. She had 4 kids from him. 3 boys and me, 1 girl. Growing up, I was the only girl that got physically abused the most. Since I remember myself, my hair was pulled all the time, I had bruises that I had to cover to go to school so no one would see. She would hit me again, again, and again. She would hit me with belts, mop sticks, fists, and just anything that got in her hands. She would hit me until she was satisfied. I would see her catching her breath while hitting me, cause she was trying so hard. She would hit me till I was bleeding. I would go to the bathroom and stop the blood running down my legs and rub medical alcohol on it. The pain felt like I'm burning my skin. It burned, but I had to do it. When she would see me rubbing my bruises, she would say, "I should have hit you more, that wasn't enough, I should have hit you and listened if you're still breathing." I would never tell ANYONE that my mom hits me. I had a friend who I was friend's with for over 3 years, and she had NO CLUE that my mom was abusing me mentally and physically. Because my mom would fake out being so nice in front of my friends that my friends would say "wow, you're mom is cool." ...they didn't know who she REALLY was...when I was 12, I told myself "I'm done with everything, I'm leaving the house at 16 and getting married. Since Ukrainians get married very young, I will do the same, I'm a Ukrainian." When I turned 16, I realized I'm still a kid. I'm 19 now and I'm telling myself, "I'll wait another 5 years at least" when I was 12, my mom found a new husband and we lived with him for 8 years (we still live together, I love him) and even my step dad had NO CLUE that my mom abuses me. He has a daughter that he never hit a single time. That's how fake my mom was in front of him. Acted so nice to me when he was at home, she couldn't wait till he would leave and she would get the anger out on me. Even my step dad told me he loves me and he would kiss me every night. My mom NEVER did that to me. I feel like I have no mom or dad. My dad died. And my mom is just a human abuser. I cried every night. If someone would give me a penny for a time I cried cause of my mom, I really would be a billionaire. And here I am, broke, lonely, crying, 4:44am, doing research and finding out what a mom is that doesn't accept her child. I really do love my mom, doesn't matter what kind of a monster she can be. My heart cries out to God to open her eyes. "Lord please! Open her eyes! Help me be who you want me to be! Help me forgive my mom all the way, because I truly do love her!!" I can go back home but I am 120% sure that she will say, "See, I told you that you will come back on your knees crying to come home". My mom has pride. And it's killing her. That pride destroys her relationships with all the kids, and she has 11 kids. I'm the 6th I'm in the middle. But I'm not giving up. I'm finishing high school, going to college, getting my life together, and I will do my best to show her I'm not some piece of sh*t as she says. I will be successful and I know it. I will have the best kids and the most loving husband. This is my first time writing out my story online. I have no idea if anyone will even read this but maybe there is the same person as me out there crying at night all the time. It's ok, don't cry, save your tears for happy tears. Anyone who is going through this, DO NOT TELL YOURSELF YOU ARE NOTHING, keep it going, do what you wanna do and FORGET about fake people! PROVE THEM THEY ARE WRONG! MAKE THEM SEE HOW ACCOMPLISHED, SUCCESSFUL, AND HAPPY YOU ARE! Lots of love and support for everyone. Things like this happen in life and you just have to learn lessons. I really love support from other people. I would love to hear your stories, please help me, tell me if you have something in common with me. Tell me what can I do to make my mom forgive me.
Lots of love to everyone!