I hope I can heal somehow from sharing my story...
I am Borderline...all the criteria...you name it...cutting, binge
drinking, inappropriate rage, risky sex, mood swings, going from love to
hate, intolerance of being alone, etc. etc. I also have mild OCD where I
check the contents of my purse all the time.
I'm a mom. 2 Boys,
ages 9 and 11. Their father and I were sharing half custody, but it
stopped working. One reason, because I live in a 2 bedroom home with an
85 year old grandfather, my mother and 22 year old sister (both of whom
are iv drug users -- I am NOT) My "bedroom" is the living room couch and
my kids had to sleep on the floor. It just got to be too much and their
father is taking custody.
Which is fine, but here's the other part...
I
am in love with a wonderful man. We met online years ago and he spent 8
months here with me before an "episode" broke us up and he returned
home 600 miles away. We reconciled, I went to visit, we chose to make
our relationship work...but I realized I CANNOT handle a long distance
relationship. I just can't.
I can't have my kids here anyway,
and I want to be with my fiance. He asked me to move in with him and I
said yes. This is 600 miles away. My kids dad said NO WAY are they
coming to spend part of the year with me. So, I feel like I am
abandoning them. But I know that the move would be healthy for me, I
would have more support, more resources, more love and happiness.
I
can't make it on my own here. Even if I had a job, I know I'd lose an
apartment (I've been evicted three times, it's like I am an incapable
child) My fiance says we can make a wonderful life together and we can
go to court and ask the judge to let the kids at least spend summers
with us until they are old enough to choose who they want to live
with...they told me they want to go with me.
My family that I
live with is telling me I am choosing my fiance over them and my kids.
Maybe this is true, but I love my kids and I want to have them. But I
also want to marry the love of my life and grow old with him. If I could
handle long distance, I would. But I can't.
I don't know why
I'm posting. I don't know what I want or need to hear. I feel like a
failure at motherhood and life. I am afraid my kids will hate me. But,
I'm leaving tomorrow, everything is set. I feel like I'm in a lose-lose
situation. If I stay, I don't have the kids anyway and live with abusive
drug addicts on a couch without the man I love (who is also a parent.)
If I go, I have a better life but am 600 miles from my kids. As you can
probably tell, the second option is my choice and preference, but I feel
guilty and selfish.
I guess I just needed to vent, but please
feel free to comment honestly. All I ask is that no one be hateful, I
cannot take any more hate directed at me
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