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this is just random ramblings on eating disorders, mainly recent experiences...

I live in london and have been trying to get help here for years unsuccessfully. I am treated like a freak, and have been told, Oh its all in your head, you can control it easily. I am sick around , on a good day 3-5 times, and on a bad day,10-20+ times, everyday, for a year now (as it has recently gotten really bad). I found out i have now damaged my heart, and also i am growing hair all over my face etc... I recently started dating a guy, who is very caring and loving, but does not understand one bit about this. He doesnt, and i dont think anyone does to be honest.
Being treated like this is a joke is not conducive to the healing process. Being treated like, this is something I can control by just "eating like a normal person" is also not helpful.
FRIENDS and FAMILY of people with eating disorders, you need to understand, OUR worlds, OUR everyday, revolves around food. You wake up and have cereal and a banana, we wake up tired, weak, sick, maybe hungry, and know, we cannot eat, or if we do, we will have to go through the process of getting rid of it. We avoid you so we dont have to suffer with the SHAME you people instill on us. The 'unworthy' attitude you place on eating disorders. The, "Well, thats just silly, to vomit up your food, doesnt make sense, sillyness" attitude.
NO ONE, seems to see that having an eating disorder CAN and WILL kill you eventually, if not suddenly.
I was having a conversation with my boyfriend and he was telling me all about an X of his who had cervical cancer, how bad he felt for her and how she 'didnt deserve this' and how its so wrong. Well, this X also had a lot of unprotected sex, where as due to that she contracted papiloma, which later developed into cervical cancer. I told him that in that case it WAS sort of her own fault, just like according to him this bulimia is "my fault" and he blew up at me, said that people with eating disorders were just idiots who brought it on themselves and people with cancer couldnt help themselves. Right and wrong, but what was most shameful, was the fact that he refused to believe that having an eating disorder was fatal. And also that it in no one relates to to the pain one experiences when they have a different sort of disease. WELL, this sort of thinking is exactly why no one wants to get help when they have an e.d. because we are afraid that people will treat us like freaks, like we are 'doing this to ourselves and can totally control it'.
They dont consider the role hormones play in this, they dont consider that it might be something a person cannot really help. They also dont think about the shame and embarrassment a person with an eating disorder might have. and the lifetime of suffering with it day to day. there just is no pity, there is no understanding, its just "oh, sillyness, weird, i dont get it?, your just being dumb here eat this".
Hes tried on many occasions to make me eat massive meals with him, and i am not exaggerating when i say massive. i mean a full 3 course meal here. After all the explaining and talking i did with him about it, he still doesnt get it. and he refuses to believe it is something serious. 7 years i have suffered in silence, now the consequences are in full swing.
I have completely stopped caring whether i live or die, everyday i just go through the motions. wake up feeling like sh*t, eat, vomit, eat,vomit, take codeine,eat,vomit,codeine,coffee,redbull,coffee,codeine,eat,vomit,sleep. I have even recently started taking cocaine, because i want to be as far away from reality as possible. i have no regard for my life at all anymore.
And i hope I do die, just to prove a point. I know im getting close, the heart thing, next is a heart attack, i know. soon...its just a waiting game now. I hope that maybe it will help people treat this seriously. Doctors, friends and family. wake up.
I dont know why i am posting this really. I will never get better, and the stigma attached to eating disorders will never change will it? People will continue to think its a joke, and others will continue to suffer and die.


you don't know me.but my best friend suffers from's a horrible thing.i'm not one of those people who think it's just silly and stupid.i don't completely understand why it happens but i do understand that you need alot of support and someone to talk to.i'd be more then happy to be that support for you.i don't think anyone should have to go through this battle alone.