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I am 20 years old and I sort of review every action i take how ever significant or insignificant and dont find any type of pattern or something that i would think 'yer thats typical me'. I have no morals, guidelines or any do's or dont's about anything. I display every type of emotion all the time from extremely happy (chat with random people, do heaps of activities etc) to extremely depressed (distant to everyone, thought about suicide many times - no one knows of this). I work out with no one obtainable goal in mind, like somtimes i want to look like vin diesel (big, buff) or like brad pitt (rippd, anf toned), i eat heaps if i think im too skinny but eat really lean if i think im too fat.. bottom line i hate the way i look all the time and no praise or word from anyone whether its friends, family or random girls makes me feel any better. I somtimes look in the mirror and think who the f**k is that, my real name is wierd and not common, my penis never seems to look the same size ever. I watch heaps of movies to completly escape from reality and completly imerse myself as a character from a movie for how ever brief or long it may be (such as brad pitts character of fight club - i pretended to have all his morals and opinions because i have none myself). I somtimes want to kill my friends, family, anyone and everyone and see what my reaction would be if any. I either fully manage/map out my days or have so much to do yet just be in a trance watching tv. Im not passionate about anything. every relationship i have been in with a girl never goes anywhere, theres never a good by or its over, it just fades away. I hav been seing this girl now for 3 weeks and was so keen for sex (erection constantly) yet as soon as she wanted sex i had no enthusiasm and went home (its like i like the chase better than the catch). I make everyone i meet and know laugh (but dont feel the need to make people laugh) by ridiculing others by using references to famous people/ animals/ just anything that is stupid and random yet quite intellegent and thought out. I am studying marketing and advertising so i realise that i (a consumer) can never be fully satisfied but i seem to either become obsessed or genuinly dont care. Everyone i know has some disernable trait that makes them act and talk like they do, i dont. sometimes im really caring other times im a real ass hole im good som days (very positive, very polite) bad others (criminal, rude) I somtimes watch really taboo porn (tranny, bdsm, ass insertions) and get really turnd on just cause im watchin somthin like this, but i also watch ''normal'' porn somtimes. I somtimes think i might be gay and imagine what it would be like yet other times think that im really manly and hate the thort of being gay and all guys that are gay. I know everyone has insecurities but somtimes ill be at a party that is really upbeat and positive and just become really depressed, start crying, and want to kill myself, other times ill be the life of the party and go way over the top having fun. Somtimes i get really health conscience and dont drink for weeks yet somtimes i literally drink until i pass out. I dont know how to love, and the only saying that i truly believe is that u cant love anyone unless you love yourself and i hate myself even tho i have had multiple people tell me i should model, that im a nice guy bla bla bla. I self inflict pain upon myself somtimes just to feel somthing (like a lighter punishment to suicide) most of my scars are self inflicted but only i know that and i make up stories. Somtimes my dreams seem so real that they become up to 3 dreams within dreams like i dream about waking up from a dream but im still asleep (also the dreams are just like what i think about, gay fantacys, me being a character of a movie i hav watched).
I just wanted to get that of my chest cause I know none of it is healthy but typing it out releases it being such a secret. I dont want to come to the point where i actually do comit suicide cause ther are people who care about me i just become so self involved/selfish/arogent that i forget its not always about me and that i should be responsible, rationalise things more and not get to worked up over things. If you took the time to read my pathetic existance then i say thank you....

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Have you ever considered trying to find professional help? Because you are suffering and you are afraid that you will cause pain to the others and I can only imagine how heavy that burden must be. I have not gone even through a small bit of what you have, but, I know it's a stupid phrase - I have been listening to the same thing for years until I saw that there are other ways to live your life - you can change things but you cant do it alone. Would it make any difference if you tried some treatment? You are suffering and it doesn't have to be like this.
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Just the fact that you wrote this shows me that somewhere you are a deeply caring person. You aren't pathetic, and your caring nature is very much needed in the world right now! Think about this. You have to have some knowledge, on some conscious level, of your moral center in order to recognize what you consider to be immoral. If you had no morals, you probably would have committed suicide. Please don't! Thank you for sharing your experience with us, and I hope what I have to offer helps you, even in the slightest amount.

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