I need help getting over some complicated jealousy issues that have left me very hurt

Guest over a year ago

Hello i created this topic because i have been looking for a way to find some peace of mind. To explain briefly, i love my girlfriend terribly, and i am very young, only 18 and we have our whole lives ahead of us. She says she loves me and from the way she acts, it makes it very clear to me that she's telling the truth. i know that i want to spend the rest of my life with her and get married and have children. however, i am an extremely jealous bastard and even the slightest mention of a guy in her past arises feelings of such jealousy and blinding rage that i can hardly breathe. i am a guy who has always lived with the belief that there is the "perfect girl" out there, and that she would be my one and only ever and i would be her one and only ever. my girlfriend is my first ever and i am her third boyfriend, which i can live with, even though i get extremely jealous knowing that she loved her second after only one month and she got some action with both. i am a virgin still, and she is partially a virgin. she claims her first boyfriend and her were rubbing together but not actually intending to have sex when he accidentally slipped inside of her. she started bleeding and they broke off the relationship a couple weeks later because he was a turned on f****r who wanted action with her every day. so it was a completely wasted first relationship that meant nothing. that happened to her in grade ten and when she told me that i was so deeply disturbed and hurt and i still cannot figure out exactly why. she has had many kisses with guys she hasn't dated and it tears me apart to know her first kiss was meaningless and wasted on some guy she didn't and doesn't care about. she has given blowjobs to her two ex's and a blowjob to three random guys at parties and two of the three were on the same night but at different times, something that sickens me and i cannot help but find utterly repulsive. this absolutely broke me when she first told me and i was so hurt i sat there shaking and sobbing. i am a popular football jock at my school, i'm just not a regular as****e like most of them, i have morals and believe in true love. she was my first kiss and i'm proud that she was my first. i want her to be my last as well, but is there anyone who can help me get past these feelings that are eating away at me? i wish i could be her first and last sooo badly and she told me she feels terrible about everything that's happened and she claims it was just her going through her "s*** phase" and that alcohol was a factor in most of the situations. but i believe alcohol is no excuse seeing as i've been to many parties as well and turned down many girls because i didn't think that they were "the one." i believe my girlfriend IS "the one" and i am crazy about her in every way, but can someone pleeease help me get past these feelings? you can hate if you want and make fun or say i'm a dumb jealous f**k and i need to calm down and get over it, but i'm really looking for some legitimate help here. it would be appreciated if nobody said the classic "you can't change the past" or anything along those lines.....thank you!

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Guest over a year ago

Hiya Guest,

You have decided that your girl is 'the one' for you and you have definite ideas of how a relationship 'should' be. However, your girl's past does not coincide with your thoughts on how a relationship should be, so there is conflict in your thinking and it is this which is causing you the pain. If I were to ask you what is the most important element in a relationship for you, what would you reply? Ask yourself the question and see what comes up, just from you, from your heart... not what you feel you 'ought' to say. Be honest with yourself, and when you absolutely know your heart's answer, it will be the first step towards peace and freedom.

Take care, all the very, very best.

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dalphy233841 over a year ago

YOU ARE EXPERIENCING AN ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR AND IF NOT CONTROLLED YOU WILL ABUSE HER-YEAH YOU WILL START HITTING HER.jealousy is a natural emotion all humans feel but we can control it.ANIMALS CANT BUT HUMANS CAN....many years ago i met a guy and we started dating.i had a child so he knew there was someone before him. he wasnt threatened about my daughters dad bc her dad had been married for years.eh felt threatened by everyone(man,woman,child,dog).it always hurt his feelings if i spoke to the cashier riinging up our junk food.it always hurt his feelings if i spoke to a child bc he thought id be trying to hook up with her dad.it always hurt his feelings if i was late from school.it always hurt his feelings if i told him my was on the other line.EVERYTHING HURT HIS FEELINGS!! it wasnt long before he started showing up at my house just because he wanted to see what i was doing-even at midnight!it wasnt long before he started pinching me-he said it was to keep my attention and ID BE LOOKING RIGH TAT HIM!you have the same RED FLAG he had.IM PROUD OF YOU FOR SEEKING HELP WITH WHAT YOU ARE FEELING.the advice given before me was good advice.id like to add that you shoudl watch LIFETIME MOVIE NETWORK and INVESTIGATIVE DISCOVERY. these channels focus on domestic violence of every facet from love,hate,jealousy,revenge and greed EVERY FACET YOU WILL SEE THE SIGNS. it will shock you to become familiar with RED FLAGS bc you may see yourself.DONT STOP bc these will help you to see the emotions that threaten your peace of mind.ITS NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND-ITS YOU.i have epilepsy from domestic abuse and if my boyfiend had gotten help for his jealous rage and outbursts I WOULDNT BE EPILEPTIC.if ou want someone to talk to send me a message but definitely talk to someone.PLEASE KEEP US POSTED ON HOW YOURE DOING.p.s. its best that you face this bc eventually your girlfriend will become afraid of you. even if she denies it her gut inistinct will tell her you are dangerous to her well-being.this is no joke and its not a matter you can take lightly.GOOD LUCK

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Guest over a year ago

If you need help the good thing is you can get it.

Walk to your bathroom, look in the mirror, wave. This is the man who is going to either make or break your love life.

Jealousy is a modern day plague.

It gets worse everyday, with male and females roles in society changing, everyone is trying to figure out where they fit in it. RElationships are not what they once were. Everyday we are exposed to pictures of ideal men and women, we watch shows about how men and women shouyld act, we are bombarded by conflicting stimuli.

The great news is you can overcome the green eyed monster.

The bad news is, you have some growing to do and its going to be rough for a while.

jealousy is the worst of emotions, because it encorporates fear anger and grief. Your Jealousy responce indicates that you are very insecure in yourself, your identity or your relationship. You want so much to have the perfect relationship, but you will never truly achieve it.

Truth : no relationship is perfect

Truth : if you do not address the fear within yourself it will ruin every future relationship you have.

Happy truth : You control your future.

With a practice of self talk everyday, you can bannish your insecurities, and by practicing trust and logically reassuring yuourself daily that you have no reason to be afraid of being alone you will slowly but surely stop feeling jealous of things that have happened in the past, or where your girlfriend is in the future, who she spends time with etc.

It took me years to over come being cheated on several times as a 18yo, but now I look back I can see how I saw life as a glossy picture, and that when I had reached cirtain milestones life would be awesome.

Thats not how life works. And occassionally jealosy can still effect me, but I do not let it rule me, because just like you can, I have become the master of my own destiny.

All the best with your journey, it may not be perfect, but you can always be happy if you choose to be.

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Castinistas over a year ago

Listen, sweetheart, you are being petty and immature. THE GIRL should be the most important thing in your life, not what the girl DID. If you have the morals you say you do, you will rise above your petty jealousy and love this woman for who she is, faults and all. No one is perfect. YOU are not perfect, I'm sure. She is a beautiful human being, and that's why you love her. Go with that. Don't be disgusted by ANYTHING she has ever done because she is just trying to find her way in this world, just like the rest of us. She did NOTHING wrong. But if you let this eat at you, then YOU will be wronging not only her, but yourself as well. Revel in the glory that is your love for her, and feel blessed that this fabulous creature loves you back. We all make mistakes, and that is how we learn. She has learned valuable lessons, and you should be proud of her for that, and for being honest with you about her past transgressions. She could have lied and told you none of this. But clearly, she thinks enough of you to bare her soul to you. DO NOT punish her for that! Do NOT throw it back in her face. Baring her soul to you like that is far more of a committee than having sex. When you are older, you will see and understand that. Hopefully, not too late. You need to grow up, mature, and realize that there are far more important things in life than what she did with past boyfriends. Look to the bright future you can have with this woman, and forgive her for anything in her past. The here and now and the future are what matter. And if you hold on to these unimportant events, you will ruin a relationship that has the potential to fly with the Angels. And then you will have only yourself to blame. You must grow with her, and cherish her, as she cherishes you. After all, she has picked you now to be her *one* and that is a compliment too huge of a percentage of the world never gets to experience. Love her, embrace her, and build a fabulous guilt free life together. Set the bar high --- for others to look up to and follow in your footsteps. Be the shining example of a happy couple. Don't let things that matter not destroy you. It's a fool's errand to do so. And if you don't let it go, you may lose the one shining star of your life, and you may never find another. Don't let this treasure slip through your fingers, for one day you might wake up at 40 - ALONE, and forever mourn the one you let get away. Good luck, my friend. God speed.

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