i don't know where to start but i'm so lost. i want to escape. i've had depression as long as i can remember. i had a ruff childhood, watched my mom get abused and had my dad abuse me, i'm over it though, maybe it's repressed i don't know. but i used to have intensely bad ocd. it's mostly gone now. now i have intensely bad anxiety. i have panick attacks almost daily. little ones where i start freaking out thinking my breathing isn't proper or just worrying about the littlest things. like too scared to eat food cuz i think i'll have a panic attack or choke. i can barely leave the house cuz this anxiety has me all cooped up. i'm an 18 year old guy, good looking, good friends, good family now, girls love me. i'm extremely deep and poetic. i pic apart the universe so much it started leading to this existential crisis where i feel so empty that it feels like i'm being eatin from the inside out. i'm feelin it now too. its so hard to focus and right this message. i've been looking up disorders that seem to describe me perfectly. like anxiety, depersonilization, hypocondriac, depression, existential crisis. i smoked a lot of weed the past couple monthes for the first time, i really liked it but i would get really anxious, and my panic attacks started a week or 2 ago when i had a couple cigs and i started worrying my breathing was bad and then i just started freaking out, but my breathing is perfectly fine as far as i know. a doctor took a quick half ass look and said my lungs were perfectly clear. not the most convincing but ya. please help i would go into more detail but this anxiety is burning me, and idk if it'll even be worth posting this. my heart feels like a black hole. it feels like i'm empty and there's no escaping it. i used to be extremely religious but was still empty back then. i try breaking down and praying but it rarely helps, on occasion it gives me a little relieaf. just breakin down crying and praying. idk how much longer i can go on. i just want peace! oh godddd someone pleaseee :'(((
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You never mentioned recieving any councelling regarding how your father treated you and your mother. After abuse and domestic violence it is essential to talk to someone so that you can move on with your life. As hard as it may be, you may have to talk to your Mum about it as well so that you can remember that you were never alone during that horrific time of your life. Maybe you could go together because now is the time that you should be moving on and enjoying your life and you can't do that until you can put the past behind you.
As far as the pot goes, it can get easy to start using it as a form of escape, however it will soon become a new cage that you'll have to try and escape. It also has quite severe side affects with people who are already suffering from anxiety so I really think you need to give it up. One of my friends got hooked on pot and it has had devastating effects on his relationships with family and friends and his overall life.
Having faith is good because where there is faith, there is hope and the best quote that I know to remind us that we never have to deal with trials alone is:
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from anguish,
sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints,
so I said to the Lord,
“ You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“ The years when you have seen only one set of footprints,
my child, is when I carried you
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