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I was molested when I was eight, when I told my father, I used the wrong word, I said "rape", and he was angry, he beat me up and yelled at me, telling me never to say the word "rape" again...the beatings have happened regularly since the age of about six...and would probably still happen if I had not refused to go to his house and therefore got thrown into paint cans...anyways...I believe my father may have done sexual things to me when I was very little, although I am not sure...he would come into my room at night when he got home (usually after midnight). He would be naked, and he would sing me an old Indian song and he would stroke my back slowly, after either taking off my shirt or pulling it up...and then he would start to pet my butt...I always blacked out at that point in time, I do not know if there is any reason for this...I do not want to accuse him of anything he did not do...but he has done other things...such as force my eleven year old sister to let him dry her off with a towel after a shower, because he is her father and he is allowed to see her naked...and he would always watch me in the bathroom, and he would tickle my breasts, pinch my butt and rub it, and when I bent over, he would press his crotch against my butt...he sort of stopped these things when he touched my butt and I got mad (I was about fourteen or fifteen) and I kicked in the nads...but he still checks me out every time he sees me...

Now, any time I get sexual with my boyfriend, I get really scared, and start to shake and sometimes I black out...I used to do it a lot, the first time we dated...but this time I'm not doing it as much...I do not know why...maybe because we are not having sex? I don't know...But I do not want to be so scared of him when he feels sexual...what can I do about this? My therapist says just not to be sexual...And I can understand that, but I am marrying him next year...and then we will be sexual...I want to work out these problems beforehand...

Also...when he gets angry (he hasn't gotten angry at me), like at his sister/mom/game/friend/pain I get really scared and tend to curl up in a ball, literally...this is a very childish thing to do, but I don't know how to stop it...It's what I did when my father beat me, I curled up into a ball so that my face and head would not be injured so much...(I'd basically sit with my head ducked down and my arms above my head, my legs in front, and a wall's corner behind me)...what can I do to get over these fears? Is it ptsd? Are the blackouts something else? What should I do? I can't go to my therapist, because he'll likely say I need to go back on drugs-I don't want to take any more drugs, I'm tried of them, I'm taking an antidepressant and stomach med (because of my stomach reflux problem I got as soon as I quit my anti psychotics)...

Any advice would be very nice

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I have PTSD and this does sound like it.

Have you had councelling for what happened to you when you were little? Sometimes just having someone listen to you can help more than someone trying to give you medication.
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I have had so much counseling I can barely remember what was for what...I've had...lets see...I've had at least eight counselors, and something like four psychiatrists...bleee...and that's only in the last six years...
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