God I feel awful,so lonely..I have no one to chat to at all so I'm just going to sit here and type how I feel inside right now saying as I have no one else to tell....I feel so..I don't know,sad ...I'm lonely,I only have 2 friends,1 I havent heard from in weeks and the other I haven't seen since before xmas *sigh* The only true friends I've ever had are animals,I have 5 pets atm and I'm ashamed to say I spend most of the tme chatting to them and petting them etc cause I be so lonely..sometimes I feel like I'm going mad,what person sits talking to their animals all the tme? It gives me a comfort though...I miss school as well,I havent been to school in 4 years because I suffered from severe panic attacks,I didn't have many friends there either though,just the 2 I mentioned,I miss school because it passed in the day. Those panic attacks I mentioned are starting to come back again and I also feel quite depressed again because of the rape that happened me a few months ago,I find it hard to leave the house now,I am still able to but I dnt enjoy going anywhere because I feel so nervous and scared and I haven't slept well in a good while either because I keep having nightmares about the rape...Each night I relive that night,I feel his iron grip on my body and I hear his voice..I haven't truly escaped from him,he's there,every night when I go to sleep,everyday he's there. in my mind. I put on a face for my parents,pretending I'm happy and getting over things but I feel myself breaking down again,I'm starting to scratch at my arms again,make myself feel enough pain to take my mind of the emotonal pain I'm feeling. Besides spending time with my animals I read alot,book after book after book so I can escape from reality but it only works for a while,I'm looking for a permanent way to escape if you get what I mean...I just wish I was like any other teen,at school,surrounded by friends etc *sigh* Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself but I am fed up with my life.
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Don't think this is the summit of your life. We go through things for a reason, when you get the strength to step through those doors to the outside once more and take a full view around and a deep breathe and the anxiety starts to tighten up on you again, you tell it "No No No, we're about to fight up in here!" Because you have things to do, baby girl, and people to encourage who, believe it or not, have been through the same. You have places to go because you are blessed. There is nothing wrong with talking to your pets. They were placed in your care for your companionship because of the times that you are going through. Two friends are more than enough. Everyone is not meant to be a best friend to us and in the long run, you will understand why. I'm pulling for you, best of luck.
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