okay, i'm 17 years old, and i live with an uncaring mom who won't take me to any sort of doctors, so i guess i have to rely on the internet for now. ever since late elementary school, i've had some problems. since i can't go to a therapist or anything, i've just been sort of researching things to self diagnose myself. i know it's bad and people always say you shouldn't do it, but it's my only option. i think i have some kind of bipolar deperession, because sometimes i'll be alright, and then a few minutes later i'll be extremely upset/angry. and then maybe ten minutes later i'm back to laughing at stupid sh*t. if i'm wrong, it would be great to know what the heck is wrong with me. depression runs in my family, because my grandma and uncle both said that they used to deal with it. and i'm trans, so i know that part of my problem could be from mom refusing to let me be who i want to be. she doesn't use the right pronouns or my right name, won't let me do anything to feel better about it(get binder with MY OWN money) and just blocked out the part of her memory when i told her that i am trans.
i also hate myself and get upset at myself wehn i can't do things well. i hold my expectations to high for myself so i can never feel good about myself, i only feel like i'm trash. i used to hurt myself because i hated myself so much, but i've been a lot better about not doing that recently. but i still think a lot about the fact that i want to die, and i really need that to stop.
another problem i have is i always get bored with everything. I can't find anything i enjoy doing because it's either too challenging and i get mad at myself, or it's too boring for me. i usually just sit around really bored, and sometimes i actually get mad at myself because i'm so bored. again, i would sometimes hurt myself because of it, but i've been a lot better about it. i'm posting this here in hopes that some people will be able to give me coping methods that are nonviolent, and maybe help me figure out specifically what is wrong. any help would be great, thanks. sorry if this isn't where i should be posting this, i couldn't find a mental health board.
You are trying to cope with some pretty big issues on your own and it is understandably taking a toll on you.
A psychiatrist is the only one that can give you a proper diagnosis.
Is there any resources at your school that you can use that may open some doors for you like your school councillor or does your school or community have any resources for LGBT youth?
Your relationship with your mom must be hard for sure when you can’t get the help you need.
Your mom just may not understand what you are going through and may be having difficulty coming to terms with you being transgender.
Sometimes when it is difficult to have a conversation and effectively get your point across if you think it may work you could try writing a detailed letter to her, explaining all the struggles you are going through and hopefully a letter written looking for support and understanding will be better received then having anger filled face to face arguments.
I hope you will actively seek out LGBT support resources and groups in the area where you live as they can provide you with the support you need and they will also have social work services that would benefit you as well.
Most hospitals have mental health services as well and since you are 17 you should be able to access these services without your mom’s permission.
Avoiding stimulants may help with your mood swings and behavior changes.
If this applies to you the use of drugs and alcohol can trigger many undesirable emotions and behaviours well under the influence of them and well after using them.
Some researchers are looking into the possibility of Energy drinks impacting your moods and behaviors and would be worth staying away from.
I hope you can find the support you need and deserve and you should be very proud of yourself for coping as well as you are on your own.
You could try journaling keep track of what makes you angry and if there was something that triggered you. Your journal also needs to have the good things in it as well and hopefully as you get into it more you will develop coping methods to deal with issues. If you find that an event or something triggered certain behaviours you could maybe find ways of dealing with things and developing positive coping methods.
The fact that you have found ways of avoiding doing self harm is wonderful and you should be very proud that you have recognized the issues and are looking for the help you need.
It seems that you are very hard on yourself and perhaps at times expect far too much of yourself.
Setting realistic goals taking small steps towards your goals and accepting that sometimes there may be set backs and progress may be slow at times but always be proud that you keep trying.
Things will get better and it takes time but keep trying the changes may be very subtle but when you find the help you deserve along with your wonderful qualities and strengths it will happen.
So please check into school councillor, LGBT support in your area, the hospital is also an option they can’t turn away someone in need and also family and children services in your community can help as well. There are supports out there and you don’t need to go through this on your own.
I hope all the best for you.