old mastrubation regret which might end my life now

It sounds like you regret the break-up, and are punishing yourself for it , to the point of obsession.Every time you connect her to what your doing,and feelig the pain of having lossing her. This didn't start till after your break-up, You should talk to your DR. or see a therapist. You definetley need to get professional help.Been there done that, when you consider suicide,your depression is the problem, and the thoughts of cutting off your penis is a way you are still taking the pain and the quilt for the breakout. I tried writing therapy and found it to be helpful, if you write honestley about events in your life, it doesn't make them go away,but using the proccess of thinking through the events, I posted mine on a webpage I had. I also sent them to a person I had started talking to online. Even if you post it somewhere anonously, knowing that someone else is hearing what you have to say. A first draft will probably jump around on a time line as you remember things. Rewrite it and try explaining and putting things in proper order. After the first one write about something in your past that you half partial memory of. I waited a long time, and was emotional about things that had gone wrong in my life. Sometimes things go wrong because of other people who use other people. Even afterall of this most of my Sr. year in high school is just a haze, nothing comes through, and holding what lead up to that in side for so long, had effected my work and social life.I have had 3-6month relationships and at 42 looked back and realized I hadn't had a life. I worked endless hours, moved from job to job, was a great employee, but I had very few memories of fitting in and connecting with someone.I am trying to make plans that will lead up in moving to a different country. My family is worthless, and when my dad died at 57,the problems of settleing the small estate brought many prpblems. I haven't spoke to my older sister in 20 yrs, and don't care if I ever do again. My couple of friends are my family,sometimes we don't keep conected, but always have that friendship that will last a lifetime. Ii hope you are doing better and have overcame some of your problems..
Nobody is as important than you are.! I told someone that I loved deeply goodbye, because the hurt that I had , had to stop. and I had enough repect for myself, to put myself first. It still hurt sometimes, but I didn't let myself be used and neglected because of their problems. You will never be happy with anyone else,until you are happy with yourself.