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26, f, off and on oxy, methd, and tar for 1.5 yrs now. I've been on opioids since 12. Why? To get f*****g high. As so often happens to people such as myself, my supply got drier than bea Arthur's mummified c**t; in ow, NON-EXISTENT. Now, this isn't my 1st rodeo. I've kicked many times ( unaided by nothing except skull obliterating headaches and ibufuckinprofen) this is where my Q comes in: I have been spiking methd, oxy, and tar alternating between one or another every 2 weeks. I notice when I slam the md that the effects wear off 4x faster than sublingually taken or taken to the face or as****e or w/e. now, does this POTENTIALLY mean my detox will be somewhat shorter? I'm on day 8 or 9 and its been shitty but not as bad as other dt I've endured. Last time I kicked I was sick a month at least, and I even had trams and Ativan, but I was eating or railing not doing the hokey frikkin pokey. Excuse long post but thought maybe some google certified md could shed some light on this for me as I'm here ready to take a rabid wolf to my goddamn legs to cure THAT rls sh*t. So md wd, shooting vs oral, dif or am I being too hopeful God frikkin speed, and listen to some good born of Osiris or if that's too homo for you try some acacia strain Sleepless in Carolina :

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Dont ask me why my eff you see kays get turned into frikkin I have never said nor typed that in my whole F U C K I N G LIFE and if that's offensive to you go to church and pray for baby jesus to smite me with his manner hammer or FO
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Ok... No response, I'm not here to give my life story like everyone else. I'm technically entering day 12 CT from spiking on average 100 mg of mdone, 300 mg of oc and the occasional 1-2 grams of tar. None of this even so much as made me nod. This is my 6 th or so total ct wd. From just as high amts. hard to say no when it's available for free. EVERY DAY. Keep a journal. To give yourself hope. To remind you that you're fucken doing it. That it is REAL. Be proud. It can be difficult to feel anything but pain and anger and misery, and it is so easy to unleash it on loved ones. No one feels this but YOU. It will make you stronger. In the words of Gojiras vacuity "you made it to this point/ no one can tell you how/ you crawled and bled all the way/ but you were the only one tearing yourself apart/ you finally find yourself" You are being shredded from the inside out, spending a season in hell. But it's worth it. For those like myself basically hard wired for opiate abuse from either starting young or being on it for years and years, you will have a void for a long time. Just remember the intense hurt and mental trauma that you are enduring. It's true it gets better. Time frames differ but you need to aid yourself. Go fucken spiritual or fall in love, with someone or something. I air drum like a d****t pretending I got Ben harclerode skills but I feel that sh*t, I fantasize often to set aside the wd symptoms. Deathy techy drumming engages those legs, arms, back and mind. Or pick your fucken zen. I've found ASMR sound vids can be helpful to relax you if you go in for that sh*t. One that melts me is the sound of an old school keyboard. Or if you like listening to horses f**k whatever. ASMR can offer a few moments reprieve. Everyone says music, that's a given, find what gets your penis hard or vag wet and listen often. Eat! Drink! Take your vites and say your prayers. Stay strong. You're literally being mindfucked. The body feels no pain, the brain does. Declare war on misery and don't puss out. Laugh, be alone, soak in everything, cry, crave, lose it. Let yourself feel again. Look at the animals that are so pure and strong and desire it for yourself. Get some ink and god will it burn after the perpetual self medicating but it will be like tearing down to rebuild. Get a fucken haircut at least. Shed that other you from yourself piece by piece. Will yourself human again. f**k everything for a minute and focus on yourself. If you have kids, take it easy on them. This affects them as well. They may think you're kicking the bucket ( as you damn well may concur ) and who wants to be seen in such a state of agony and despair by their loved ones? I felt 60% normal today until I got some fuckedup shaking coldness, teeth chattering. I wish everyone the strength to endure this inner struggle and drag yourself out of the abyss. It's a long way down and no one can save you but yourself,
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ok Officially day 12. f**k it, nobody is reading so I'm doing this for me. Couldn't sleep last night. IDK WTF people are talking about when they say take Benadryl,Unisom (diphenhydramine HCL) to sleep ... It makes me sleepy as all hell but makes the RLS and "picking up change at a Hardcore show" feeling in the arms about 10x worse. So you'll be so tired, exhausted, sapped, but can you sleep? f**k NO. I finally, at around 530am took 3 diphens and 3 Tylenol and somehow slept from 630am til 1 pm. And it was REAL sleep. If you're like me, I'd suggest just staying awake all night if need be, and downing some of those diphens at the asscrack of dawn when your brain is ready to bail out of consciousness anyway. If you stay up too long you WILL hallucinate. I've experienced this countless times and usually its bad hallucinations. Like fucken shadow people and sh*t, things you don't want/aren't meant to see. I'm lucky, I don't have to work right now but I have a 4 yr old ... A very rambunctious 4 yr old. For anyone out there in my shoes, doing this with kids, props to you. Doing this alone is the best way IMO. When animals are hurt they go off by themselves to either heal or die. Being alone can be therapeutic in itself. But you get so many out of whack, coming and going, opposing polarity fucken emotions its hard to say how you'll feel from one moment to the next. I'm also living in daily fear of headaches. I had one fucken skull splitter my 2nd or 3rd day in, but thankfully it faded away after 10 minutes of huddling in some hot water. I don't think I could live with that on a regular basis, I don't think I could live with it for another 10 fucken minutes. Last major kick off Mdone (about 6 months before this more recent 1 1/2 yr escapade) I had vise-grip-like headaches every day, all day but I could function. I had those headaches for MONTHS. I'm terrified of this happening again because nothing makes it better but, that's right, more painkillers. Anyone else have this experience? Not just a shitty headache here and there, Headache Hell 24/7 for months after getting clean. It makes you want to have a shotgun facial. Also I'm curious about water fasting or juice fasting. Anyone tried this during detox? And for anyone who's just kicking gear or codeine, don't even bother, mdone wd will drag you by the scruff of your neck for weeks, not just oh day 5 I'm over the hard part, more like day 35 I feel slightly less like death. Just try to mind-over-matter this sh*t. It can help a little. Here I am on day 12 of a pretty high dose detox and I can get up, choke down vitamins, choke down a bite or two, choke down water and even do housework. I force myself to do my makeup and hair. Don't go around looking as shitty as you feel, it doesn't help. well I guess I'm done ranting to myself if anyone has anything to say I'll be around, that is till I eventually feel normal and want to forget all about this.
going to listen to the soothing sounds of Erra now. And pardon my filthy language I can't turn it off,.
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Entering day 13 cold turkey from an array of opiates. I actually thought hard about the real amounts I was slamming, and I would easily do 20 ten mg mdones in a single day, shooting about every hour. Those would be gone in 2 wks so I'd hop on the oc train, happily sticking $5000 street price up my arm in a week. The dipshi t that introduced me to this method of delivery called me a frikkin beast because I would slam so much so fast and not bat a fucken eye. When those were gone I would move to h, which was about the price of its weight in platinum in that town, and I'd go to town on that til the mdones reappeared. A cycle that I was content with. I didn't want to stop. I was forced into ct but this time, rather than psych myself out and living in desperation and fear and the foolish hope that something would fall into my lap, I fucken braced myself. I stopped wishing something would magically appear. I let go of resentment towards the person that was allowing me a one way ticket to hell by vanishing and leaving me high and dry yet again. Like I said, focus on rebuilding your fucken spirit, let go of the things that cause you anguish, and recycle that anger into something constructive. Hate what you've done to yourself. Hate that you're eating sh*t right now. Fuel yourself on anger. You're most likely not going to be feeling like skipping around kissing babies and rescuing kittens in trees, not yet anyway. You're going to feel all the abuse you've inflicted on yourself. Your emotions will run hot & cold, use that to your advantage. I cry almost as much as I sneeze lately and it's like venting. Just be as strong as you can. Reconstruct yourself. I'm almost at my 2 week mark and despite the spiking I haven't had an easier wd experience ever. I still get fevers, violent shivering, malaise and godfuckingdamn rls but its nothing like my past ct episodes. Brace yourself. It's gonna blow, but you can make your suffering worse by clinging to what's no longer there. Put it to rest and rise above. Sorry for yet another rant, I suppose this is my acting wd log which wasn't my intent. I originally posted asking a q which remains unanswered. I use a lot of profanity which I understand is a turn off to a lot of people, but it keeps the subject at hand a little lighter, and hell maybe I extracted a chuckle from someone making this fucken upstream swim, too. It's 330 am and I feel ok but groggy and I think I'll take a stab at some nightnight. I wasn't sh**ting death today, I wasn't puking death, I wasn't wishing for death, I'm barely even sweating. It's all what you make it, and you can easily make it a suffering that would be legendary even in hell, hah, or make it just bearable enough to get through without contemplating hot lead injection to the very hunk of grey meat facilitating your misery. I hope some lonely, hurting person sees the message I'm poorly conveying in my midnight ramblings and that it gives them the courage to cease the terror of this little death and move forward like a fucken centurion and mangle every obstacle before you. Ok I'm fucken out, thank you to the band shadow of the colossus for helping me through, even though to you I don't even fucken exist.
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Ok I'm hitting the 2 week mark ct from mdones etc. Had 3 violent cold tremors accompanied by fever today. Killed my lower back and when they finally subside I can't move for an hour, felt like I got my ass handed to me by fucken wolverine or something. It's like someone just took a baseball bat to small of my back. I try to be optimistic that it won't be much longer but then comes fucken paws. Pft. I'm lucky enough to be getting sleep between 5 am and 11 pm and I am so grateful for it. It only comes at the price of fucken hypothermia for 2 hr stretches but sleep is a beautiful thing when you're dope sick . Today a buddy came by and gave me some klonopin so I hope it helps. Not much but any port in a storm.. I'm trying so hard to stay strong. I got myselfinto this mess so I get to pick up the pieces. Today was rough and after reading so many times that its all downhill from day 12. f**k no. If fucken only. So I'm going to lie down, wait for the kpins to kick in and listen to some more born of Osiris. Maybe I can sleep before asscrack of dawn, sucks that this happened during arctic temperatures or I'd go outside and stare at the woods. I'm trying so hard to come out on top, but the ferocious tremors/fevers keep pushing me down. I'm feeling sorry for myself but I need to get to the top, the depression is sinking in but I'm trying so hard. I hope I make it because today was bleak. Still not as bad as other dt I've gone through but it's thoroughly raping my mental health with the biggest hardest penis in the universe. I'll keep up to date in case anyone out there is enduring the same thing. Kpin ahoy.
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Ok going into day 15. The klonopin helped me sleep and kept the freezing tremors at bay. I only had a few though and saved 1 for today. Didn't seem to do much today, got a fever again which ravaged the small of my back from the convulsive shivering. Sucked. I managed to get some sh*t done but when you have a young child, that f****r depends on you for everything and there's no real rest to be had. And I'm virtually stuck in my house alone with her all day. Wish this would start calming the f**k down already. I never vomited and I'm not sweating as much as when kicking oc etc but everything else is out in full fucken force. I keep trying to tell myself all the things I want to do can finally be done once I'm crawling out the other end of this fuckenshitpit. But last 2 days I'm either distressed, sad or fucken dead inside. I've been eating all the vites I can get my fucken hands on the entire duration like biotin, magnesium, b vites , c, a all kinds of sh*t, even milk thistle. If I had the fucken funds I'd hit a hippy supplement place and throw a couple hundred at amino acid mixes and sh*t but its not gonna happen. I hope this bs ends soon, but I know what's in store for me in the coming weeks. Mindfuck of the century. Try to be strong, to rebuild you must first destroy right, Sylosis? Heh.
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Idk what day I'm on anymore, I think 16. Been at a plateau with my symptoms for some days now. No noticeable improvement, only feel the same every day. I do sleep somehow, even though its monumental effort, but then again everything is a monumental effort. I have been taking various vitamins religiously, as well as eating and drinking water, f**k I even have been exercising. But every fucken day I get at least 1 kill me now fever that renders me shaking, freezing and helpless for typically 2 hrs. I can do nothing by shiver and shake until it GRADUALLY subsides. It takes about 30 minutes to chill the f**k out and another hour of lying there feeling like you were laying on a frozen sidewalk getting kicked by people walking past. If it weren't for these crazy fevers and believe me it's nothing as gentle as a cold flash, I would not be thrilled with life but I wouldn't feel like I'm dying 2x a day. The lethargy, lack of motivation had made its appearance a few days ago as I anticipated. Am I still in acute wd or am I moving on to paws? Idk. The rls is still around but not so severe. My bf thinks this sh*t is dragging on way too long and that I'm making it up. We fight because he is not supporting me in this struggle at all and I'm starting to feel useless and shitty about myself. I keep my home almost pristine, I cook when I can, I take care of our daughter all day every day alone, I even try to look nice for him every day. I just want this to start ending. I do get headaches although they aren't as aggro as I was expecting. Exercise exacerbates them. The caul of impending doom has firmly settled over me and its hard to be positive anymore. Who am I even talking to no one is there
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Holy sh*t ... No fever today. Aside from the moderate depression and severe lack of energy, today wasn't sooo bad. Get sad or angry easily. Sneeze about 6000x a day. It would be nice to just wake up one morning and feel... Okay. Not even good or great just okay. Headaches are an all day event but they're tolerable at this point at least. Since it seems a month is the average time frame that mdone wd loses steam it would seem that I've got another two fucken weeks of this sh*t. Fun. I'm not trying to fool myself into thinking ill be ok in a day or two but f**k go away already ... And I hope someone can relate to my little commentaries because not one fucken person has even tried to be encouraging or helpful, hopeful, I'd even take being called a pathetic junkie p***y over this fucken nothingness. I'm lost inside my own head and no one can relate? I hope this helps someone deal with their kick just by knowing it can and is being done by others, s**m of the earth and all walks of life, every day. The only comfort meds I've had is some sort-of decent pot and 1 night with klonopin. For the past 17 days or whatever the f**k day it is now!! I don't even have so much as some fucken anti- shityourself meds, I don't have any shitty Tylenol and I certainly don't have any worth a f**k of anything else!!! I have a fucken heating pad lol I'm officially fucken losing it now so I'm bowing out for tonight. Queries or comments? Didn't think so. May your days be utterly unlike mine.
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Day 19. Things are bad in my life right now and it's making me crave more than ever. My bf of 8 yrs and father of my daughter lashed out at me last night because I'm not currently employed and apparently he resents this greatly. He feels like we are a burden on him and that I offer no help whatsoever. I wish he could experience what I'm currently enduring then maybe he'd have more appreciation for what I'm doing. I'd gladly work even now not even quite 3 wks into my mdone wd but my options are limited to say the least. This stress of being at the verge of destroying my family is making things worse. Sleeping less than ever. Headaches. Rls. The crazy fevers seem to have dissipated but knock on fucken wood... And def no energy. Idk what to do. I can't pull money out of my ass and I'm stuck in this house alllll day alllll night. No support system in place to speak of. It's a living fucken hell for me right now. I just hope things start getting better instead of worse on this wd sh*t. If we split that means I have to go back to being surrounded by opiates and ill be mentally and emotionally broken so I know I'll use. This is the harder road for sure but I love my family even when he's being a douche or my daughter is difficult, and I'm going through this hell on earth for them in a big way. Anyway things seem not as bad, sleep is all screwed up, energy is AWOL, still get rls but the violent tremors haven't made an appearance in a couple days. Sneezing 24/7 still. I just want to believe its all getting better, slowly but surely.
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Day 25 I think, I am pretty certain I'm in the grips of paws. I get maybe 3 shitty hours of shitty sleep in the small hours of the morning despite being tired. That's my biggest complaint right now. Stomach issues still present but not too bad. Of course it's a penis mission to get sh*t done but you just gotta make yourself handle things. Shitty weather doesn't help, when its sunny and nice out it affects me in a good way. Still sneezing about every 20 minutes in sets of 3-4 but I'm getting used to it. Headaches come around easily. I started drinking coffee yesterday and today and it actually perked me up a little after abstaining from caffeine for weeks. Rls has chilled a lot but it rears its ugly head when I'm trying to sleep. My palms are always clammy fucken irritating. I've taken next to no comfort meds except pot and it doesn't do a whole lot for me. But I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Am I close to it? God I fucken hope but I know better than to expect miracles. My track marks are finally starting to gross me out rather than make me fiend so I guess that's good. Will I ever use again? Probably but I'm disgusted with the mdone wd and I have no more urge to take it. The price you must pay is too high. Would some h or oxy be nice for a day yes but those are not without their hell to pay, either . Pretty moody but that's normal for this sh*t. Music really helps me get ramped up to do things. It's true when they say you will feel like things are getting better and then the next day back to shitblizzard. " gaining speed or just stopping faster" explains my state of mind as of late. Sleep is the holy grail of mdone wd .. If I could get 5 hrs of deep uninterrupted sleep I'd believe in a god. I guess I'm writing this journal of sorts for myself mostly, to kind of get a grasp on my thoughts but I'm doing it in a public forum is to make someone else not feel so hopeless. I read lots of these threads written by those who are in the wd as deep as me or a little further along, and most seem to report getting better and better after day 35 or so. I guess it's good that this last run was only 1.5 years as opposed to 8 or 9 years but its my 6 th or 7 th full blown ct wd and it does suck worse every time. I kicked once when I was 19 and felt much better after 14 days. It gets better but slowly. And sometimes it will knock you on your ass out of nowhere. That's typical for this so just try to brace for it. Be strong.
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Ok day 30, a month off everything. Well time has answered my original question and it was a pipe dream to hope that the wd wouldn't be as severe or last as long. It didn't change anything, maybe just that it didn't seem AS fucken horrendous as past experiences. Most of the physical sh*t has faded away although my stomach can be iffy and I'm prone to day and night headaches. Sleep is still a b***h. I stopped taking diphenhydramine 4 days ago and I've used it to sleep every day for years on or off opioids. I get sleepy without it but still only getting shitty sleep, 3 hours standard. Eating ok. Energy blows. I do force myself to get things done though. Mood is a bit off, get irritated and anxious easily. I'm not completely miserable I do laugh and socialize a little. Rls is almost gone but there seem to be residuals when I try to sleep. I try to exercise a little every day but I can't get very far ( jogging with weights) before too winded to continue. Still eating vites but are they helping? Idk but my hair looks great. Can't testify about them improving energy. I hope I'm helping someone .. Just a slow dehumanizing process. But I'm sure humanity comes back after.
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Now ending I believe my 36th day of cold turkey from methadone, oxy and h. I've lost track of the exact day but close enough. Finally starting to get sleep although it doesn't come until late into the night. It varies between 2 am and 5 am and if I fall asleep and get woken up it takes a long time to exit consciousness again. I wake up with my heart pounding which is not a pleasant experience. My neck seems perpetually sore causing mild but frustratingly long lived headaches. Energy still an issue. Nothing seems to increase energy except caffeine which I only consume in the morning still as I would do anything to avoid rls or further sleep problems. Appetite is healthy but let's just say nothing sticks around long. STILL sneezing like its going out of style. Overall not so bad just typical mild paws. I say mild because I know of people that are suffering pretty hard still at the same point I'm currently at and I'm definitely not trying to minimize their agony. I get anxious easily but not in a constant state of nervousness or anything. Basically get stressed over small sh*t. Stopped smoking pot about a week ago so I'm officially drug free... Feels weird to say that after everything heh. Still taking vites but am less enthusiastic after learning that they essentially do jackshit for you except make your piss smell like they make your mouth taste. Body temp, idk if its normal or what considering I was always hot when using and now I get cold easily. I expect to be mostly recovered before much longer. It's nice to not wake up jonesing and half sick and having to dig up a vein feeling all shitty and hoping I strike on first try. I know psychologically I'm not there yet, but I don't think about using so much any more. What's the point? If you're going through withdrawal, be proud of yourself, this sh*t is unbelievably difficult and soul fucken crushing, takes immense fortitude to see through to the end. And given time things get better. Withdrawal was/is one of the scariest prospects I could have thought of facing and here I am, another damaged goods junkie with a tragic life story, and I'm closing in on 40 fucken days. As cliche as this is, if I can do it you can, too.
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Wow ... Can't believe I found this diary. I managed to stay off everything this whole time. Turns out I was 3 weeks pregnant when I started my detox, now I have a healthy 7 month old son. What a potty mouth I had haha. 

Just wanted to leave an update. I've been clean 16 months straight and its so good to feel normal, not having to wake up jonesing. Eventually I completely stopped thinking about shooting. Still have scars. 

Reading this is like reading someone else's ramblings. Its fucken doable everyone. Its so hard those first couple months, but if you can stay away from people and environments that include your D.O.C. its easier. 

Good luck to whoever out there needs it. Be strong, be smart, stay the f**k away from your poison. 

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