It's easy for parents to feel that their job is more or less done by the time their children are teens, but though your teens may have stopped growing and are already incredibly skilled and self-sufficient, the fact of the matter remains that the brain goes through a myriad of transformations during the adolescent years. A lot of this important work is mental, and involves the process of discovering who they truly are and want to become.
Confidence and healthy self-esteem are the keys to healthy mental development. Did you know, for instance, that the World Health Organization lists depression, anxiety, suicidal, behavioral problems, and eating disorders as some of the most common mental health disorders among teenagers? Did you know that low-self-esteem and a lack of confidence very often lie at the root of all of these?
What Is Confidence, Exactly? What About Self-Esteem?
Confidence and self-esteem are both often highlighted as important positive traits that don't just help teens reach their goals for the future, but also keep them mentally healthy. What exactly do these terms mean, though? And where do confidence and self-esteem cross over into toxic arrogance?
Self-esteem, which can be used interchangeably with self-worth, can simply be described as the feeling and belief that you deserve to be happy and respected. We could add the belief that you hold value in the world and have the ability to contribute positively to your environment, as well, and it's this belief in your own abilities that defines confidence.
Once you let those very simple definitions sink in, it is not hard to see how important they are to a person's overall quality of life — and motivation to go work on reaching personal goals.
It's essential to be aware that confidence and self-esteem aren't fixed entities, though — and especially in teens, who are developing their identities all the time and are often very peer-minded, even a small comment can throw them off and make them think that they aren't good enough.
What Causes Low Self-Esteem in Teenagers?
One study entitled Characteristics Associated with Low Self-Esteem Among US Adolescents, which picked thousands of teens' brains to find out what may lead to high vs low self-esteem came up with some very interesting data that parents would certainly find helpful:
- Girls were found to be twice as likely to suffer from low self-esteem compared to boys, likely due to body image pressures coming from just about every place in society.
- Obesity was a common cause of low self-esteem.
- The more rebellious teens, who got into fights at school or with important adults in their lives, were more likely to be dealing with low self-esteem.
- Playing team sports was found to increase confidence and self-esteem.
- Developing clear academic interests or passions and areas of expertise was associated with higher self-esteem.
- A solid cooperative relationship with parents was found to lead to increased self-esteem.
- Quite interesting to note is the fact that teens who watched the most TV were far more likely to have low self-esteem. This correlates with the fact that a sedentary lifestyle does the same thing.
These are far from the only factors at play, of course, but they do give an interesting look at some of the things we can all do to feel better and more confident about ourselves. While everyone ultimately has to walk their own road, parents can do quite a lot to raise their teens' confidence. Next up, we'll be looking at a set of practical tips.
What Can Parents Do to Help Their Teens Be More Confident?
Parents can try a few different strategies to help their teens build confidence and faith in themselves. Let's examine a few of the most important ones.
Encourage Grit and Self-Improvement
Everyone's great at some things, not all that great at others, and outright terrible at a few things, too. In the academic and sports realms, teens often tell themselves that they just don't have what it takes if they've experienced failure. One study points out that there's a lot of benefit to encouraging your teen to keep trying to get better at the things they aren't so good at, so that they can increase confidence by getting better.
Say that your teenager has been struggling with chemistry and has built an image of themselves as definitely not a scientist. This study would encourage parents to tell their teens that they can work to get better anyway. What does our teen commentator — whom we'll call Vance, just for the hell of it, because internet privacy and all that — have to say about that?
Praise Effort, and Not Results
This has a lot to do with Carol Dweck's growth mindset, and here's how it works. You determine how much effort you put into something, but the actual results, or outcome, aren't necessarily within your control. Saying that that violin performance was excellent or that art work was great, or that that math test went well, focuses on outcomes. Instead, the idea is to indicate that you're proud of the hard work your teen poured into their activities, theoretically encouraging renewed efforts rather than potentially impossibly high standards. Praising outcomes can actually contribute to perfectionistic tendencies, which are very bad for self-esteem.
There's also this to consider, of course — you may not understand your teen's math homework at all, or you may genuinely dislike the fact that they've taken up skateboarding. Praising stuff you don't get or dislike is not honest, but praising hard work and perseverance can always come from an honest place.
Encourage Your Teen to Try New Things
That's great for their life experience, may spark lifelong or just short-term passions, and shows your teen that they can gain new skills very quickly if they try a lot of different things. Your teen may want to take up a new instrument, volunteer or get a part-time job, try running a Minecraft server, or traveling the country by themselves. Whatever it may be, if your teen is excited about it, it's a real confidence builder.
Be Confident Yourself
Modeling self-confidence shows your teen that self-sacrificing, self-destroying, activities aren't necessarily healthy, and steers them away from becoming a target for people who would like to (proverbially) beat them into submission. Show, don't tell, that it's OK to stand up for yourself and your needs, and your teen will have a roadmap for the future.
Encourage Your Teen to Stay Away from Unhealthy, Toxic, People
Toxic environments, like nasty school cliques, generally do one of two things. They can turn you into a toxic person yourself, or really grind you down. Say no, and take a step back from those people. Find a healthy group of people to interact with who respect you for who you are. Encouraging your teen along these lines is a great confidence builder.
Promoting Self-Acceptance
We all have things we can't change about ourselves, and sometimes it's better to learn to accept those things than to try to change them. That includes being accepting of things like learning difficulties, physical disabilities, or even traits like being clumsy or bad at singing (doesn't mean you can't enjoy it, anyway!). We started with the idea that it's always possible to get better at something, but of course, that's not universally true at all. We don't have to be good at everything, and accepting that fact is OK, too.
A Final Word
All these tips will tend to work for anyone who's trying to develop greater self-confidence — it's not just for teens! Perhaps more than anything else, the one tip for parents of teens would be to honor their teen for the emerging adult they are on their way to becoming. Accept that your teen is no longer a small child, and is perfectly capable of finding their own way. You can be there to offer encouragement and guidance, or a listening ear, but there comes a point at which letting your teen take the reigns of their own life becomes the biggest confidence builder of them all. It shows your teen that you truly believe in them, and those actions speak louder than any words ever could.
Your thoughts on this