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I don't know where to start but ill start from the beginning I am 16 right now i live in macedonia and this is my story

When i was born i was born unlucky i had a mom a sister and a dad Dad beat up me since i was like 4 and then he left us killed a men for money sold weed and drugs and he left me mom and my sister for another woman and he lives on another country I came in this country when i was 8 and kids here bullied me everyday and my mom too and my sister always made fun of me and always pissed me off When i was 10 my mom got cancer

Kids on school didnt like me i never had any friends never had a best friend then my father got to jail he called me i was kinda happy to hear what he had to say he finally called me And he was in jail he called and he wanted to fool me to make my grandpa to get a lawyer for him I didnt hear my fathers voice for 5 years and when he calls he uses me then in school i started beat up alot of them i couldnt take it anymore but then they all saw me as the bad person and nobody liked me I dont have my own house i live with my 2 uncles i lived my life locked in a room with my sister and whenever my mom or sister changed i almost saw their bodies and then i got used to it and i didnt really feel love to woman they just ruined it for me with their personalities and my mom is getting weaker she was on jobs just to help me grow she was without a man and still didnt leave me my mom dosent like my dads family and my dads family dosent like my mom

My mom never let me go and be with my family so i was an outcast and whenever i went to see my family she was mad at me, and 1 year ago my uncle called me to go see my dad I didnt want to, we got into alot of argument then he started to beat me up with slaps as much as he could i was crying the whole family came and tried to stop him but didnt work He just kept slapping me as hard as he could on my face And that is a child abuse even in school teachers abused me alot and then i started to feel love to boys and that made me lose myself My life was bad i had nowhere to go and i sucked on school didnt study and i dont see a bright future for me i can never make my own house alone i felt like i needed a men to help me and take care of me and i wanted him to tell me its going to be alright I didnt feel like i wanted girls bicuse i cannot help her or tell her its going to okay And the day my uncle beat me up i tried to kill myself and got bleach close to my mouth and nose And everyday i think to end my life I dont believe in god anymore no matter how much i try i cant

My mom never let me go out i dont know the feelings of having a friend or a best friend I spent my life on a single room not sleeping all night and all day on computer Now my back hurts i feel like all my bones are hurting i am tired like i want to get a sleep long as a life I have some called *friends* I payed for their food sometime i paid for their games on a caffe and at the end we went to buy smthg they forgot i was the last and they always went ahead didnt wait for me I feel like a dog always looking at their backs and following them but i can never catch up And when i was smaller they kept running from me i tried to reach them they laughed at me and kept running i started running to them they still kept running i stopped they stopped I cried they still kept running in this life i didnt tell this to anybody I didnt get attention until i became crazy i started to be silly stupid to get attention from people They recognized me but then they hated me again bicuse i was annoying to them and now i cannot stop talking too much i cannot change it with them they know me like that.if im not like,that they are like whats wrong and sh*t everybody thinks i have a good life and i laugh and smile everyday But in the nights i go to the other room and cry every night and alone Once my mom saw me crying she thought i was crying for a stupid game which i never experienced to play games like a person i dont have a future i beg for somebody to come and end my life but none comes to take me out of my misery People think im childish stupid annoying and stuff they always make plans without me my mom its ill My sister did a surgery she may never be able to have kids my dad screwed my life I have not enough money since i was a kid i got 20 den for day in school and saved all those everyday to give my mom to buy food i saved money for 9 months not eating anything at school looking at other kids with their parents having fun and all i was wondering if we had enough money at home for food while they didnt even know where their money comes from

I am gay nobody would want me not in my family or anywhere i tried to find somebody to love me for who u really am but if i tell this anybody they would make fun of me and not understand me all my life i spent like an animal and i became one My grandma she is paralyzed i dont care My grandpa died i dont care I dont know how many times i planned to kill my father and how many times i begged god to kill my sister mother and everybody i know but at the end i did nothing i stopped all this and didnt tell anybody At the end i inflicted it to myself I can even feel my heart when it hurts feels like a shadow grabs it and even when i go to school i feel that feels like my heart its being grabbed by something My bones hurt especially my back My hands my neck me shoulders all hurt so bad I just dont care if i die in this minute and do you know how i feel when a f*****g retard comes to me and acts cool like he is grown man and im stupid and im weak and sh*t People dont know what the f**k ive been through i made a 30 minute video long saying goodbye to all my family and everybody before i kill myself I have chosen to do it nothing matters now I told my mother i would end my life when im 18 And she even told me she would cut my head if i was a homosexual i am a broken soul I dont know how much i endured on this life i just wanted somebody to understand me but nobody reaches to grab my hand i did nothing wrong

All i wanted on this life was to have fun Friends Video games movies and stuff but what did i get on return nobody can understand what i have been through so dont tell me on hows life gonna get better for me i heard that a million of times i was a pure boy i talked grammar I didnt know evil i didnt know sins I was an angel When i heard somebody in the street use bad words or anything i prayed god to forgive them I prayed for somebody i never met or knew I prayer every night before going to sleep I prayed to cure my mother I prayed for my father to come back I prayed about everything But all i got was fists,hate,bullying,harrasment,making fun of me, and alot of stuff Nobody cares you dont care You will forget this tomorrow But i still live with this feeling everyday deep down inside me it hurts i lost faith in god he put his back on me They all say its a test But where is he theese galaxies have millions of planets while we waiting for world to end what does god to jerk off or something? let me see this clearly God creates us for a test to pray to him nonstop so we know we go to paradise just bicuze we prayed somebody we never met? And how many gods are there muslims christians and all So this means god is a bigger sinner then we are he gives with one hand and takes with the other I dont believe in such things

i am 16 and i had this feeling since i was much younger god made 7 million ppl so we pray him to give us a better life? Does that mean that he is playing with us and we are the toys? what is god doing in meantime right now? muslim say christians go to hell but they were born christians how the f**k would they know our god is real Or maybe their god is real?who the f**k knows But all are scared they are filled with all this c**p on their head since they were little Its funny when i see some powerful muslim crying and praying to god all think he is a good man b***h please he is crying instead he could go to work and get a better life If god is real this means he hated me and did tests to me since i was born

Thanks for the live now i am going to end it i dont want to suffer anymore But i would go to hell if i do it All this is BS Whoever you are that you are reading i just wanted to tell you dont follow others do whatever you like to do Do what your heart wants you too follow your dream dont let your dreams be dreams All i wanted on life was a family somebody to love me to hug me and tell me its okay people don't understand me i wanted to have a small house a boyfriend i would do the work on the house he would get a job and thats what i wanted and i wanted to take care of my mother bicuze i owe her that I told my mother alot of stuff but what she told me was to find a girl and to stop about the gay thing And my sister heard when i told her i wanted to kill myself she told me she heared and she laughed at me Its like if i am a joke if what i told my mother were jokes I always hated joker on the batman movies but i never noticed i was like him and i never noticed people,god,and everybody around me made me who i am And they hate me even tho they made me into this .goodbye all i hope you have somebody you can go to and hug him or her and tell them whats wrong

I am still living on to see what others have to say about my life so they feel the same way like all the people around me did i hope you guys can read this

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Hi Swifta, 

May I begin with sharing some of my story?

My father died when I was small, from a drug overdose. His family lived in another country and acted like my mother and I didn't even exist, but kids in school bullied me for not being "from" the place where I was born because my father was from a different place. I felt like I didn't belong anywhere. I didn't have any friends until I moved to a different school and started being liked. At that point, my mother found a new man, who sexually abused me, so life didn't get any better and my mother couldn't see it, she was just happy to have a new man. Just in short. I don't want to bore you with more details. 

There were many times where I walked around the streets hoping life could end. I did think about suicide. Many times. I didn't do it, I guess because I was a coward, in the first place, but also, something held me back and made me keep living. 

I am now nearly 40. Since I was your age, so much changed. So very much. By the time I was 17 I was already feeling a lot better compared to the rest of my childhood. I got an education I was passionate about, moved away, met new people, met a partner, found my own place in the world. Experienced how beautiful life can be. 

I am so very glad that I didn't commit suicide back then, that something kept me going. 

When you're in that state of mind, you really don't want to hear all these cliches. But they are true. You are valuable. Better things are coming for you. Life won't always be easy, there will be ups and downs and depressing moments, but also joy, and being content, and just feeling the sunshine on your skin, the wind in your face, and thinking, it is all beautiful, it is good to be alive. The way it is now isn't the way it is always going to be. This is only one chapter in your book. Don't you want to find out what the next chapter is? I am glad I got to see mine. 

Don't make it end, please. Whenever you are feeling down, just come here and talk about what you are feeling. 

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Also, PLEASE reach out to LGBT organizations in your country. They may make all the difference. I found this for Macedonia: http://lgbti.mk/

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Thank you so much but you moved out and u found somebody
I cannot do that i cannot leave my mother she sacreficed herself so i must stay in this hell country for her
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Does part of you still believe as a Muslim?
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I dont think so i tried to believe but i cant and my mind just dont want to
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OK, thanks for replying. I was going to say, I know a lot of Muslims are weird about being gay but I personally believe Allah(swt) would not have created you gay if it was wrong, You can be true to Islam and your sexuality at the same time. I was gonna say more about that, but if you are not a believer anymore, that will not help you. I do still want to say that you are NOT alone.

About your mother. Most mothers would do anything for their own child as they think it is best for the child. "Sacrificing" for a child is what mothers do. Why do they do it? To send them off to the world one day, safe and happy. Now, this doesn't mean that they necessarily understand you well or accept everything about you, which is tied to cultural expectations. But at heart, do you think your mother loves you and wants the best for you? Do you think because she sacrificed for you, you should do the same in return? I don't think that. YOU matter as well, and you can find ways to honor your mother while being true to yourself as well.
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I was not born gay buy now i cannot change and my mother told me if i ever turn my back on her she will never forgive me i promised her i would never leave her
and thats what i meant by i am stuck in here and i cannot do anything to change it
here muslims dont think like you do they say u love man u go to hell and when i ask them why they say thats how god said
I am albanian my people did 500 years war with the osmans and this muslim religion i have now its bicuze they raped our woman they made us take 1 bread if we went to mosque and pray like muslims and this is how we got assimilated
if it was for all those blood spilled i wouldnt be muslim and not a single muslim can confirm this
Will the christians go to hell
Most say yes cuz low iq
But just like us they were born and grown inside their family since they were a baby to believe in another god and u cannot change that for them and now they go to hell for believing something others filled them since they were young?
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If you do want to explore being gay in the context of Islam, look for the Al Fatiha foundation, the Muslim Alliance for Sexual and Gender Diversity, and Imaan for LGBT.

I was wondering if you were Albanian actually because you mentioned where you live. I have a friend... who happens to be Albanian and gay, from Kosovo. He does not live there anymore. So I understand a bit about the difficulties you are facing.

I would like to say more to you, but it is difficult to know what to say. What I do know is, you say you don't want to leave your country and you feel so stuck there because you promised your mom and you don't want to break that promise. Is leaving this world better? Can you imagine, how it would make her feel to lose you that way?

May I ask you, are you actively planning suicide right now, or are you having thoughts only? Do you want to be free from your pain, or do you want to end life? Part of me thinks, you are reaching out here, some portion of you must still want to go on...

I have to go now. I will be checking here often and I will pray that I see you here again. I will reply every time you post something.

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How are you feeling today?
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Yes i am albanian
and yes i do feel stuck and as for ending my life i want to not suffer anymore and to end it
Sometimes i feel joy and think its going to be okay but it always gets bad and worst just today some stuff happened
I do want to kill myself but i dont know whats stopping me

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I am so happy to see your post today; it means you made it through yesterday and you are still with us.

I don't even know you, and I was thinking about you all day and wondering how you were doing. Maybe what's stopping you is you still have hope. That things will get better.

What do you think a person requires to be happy or even just not unhappy in life?
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And do you want to talk about what happened to you today? I am here to listen. I might not have answers, but I will listen to you.
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Well okay
My father left me when i was 8 but my mom made me talk to him on the phone from time to time so he would send us some cash and all my life i was playing video games to get off the stress and everything els so that was what i mainly did since 2012 my mother told me she would buy me a new pc but she never could afford it
And i asked my father to send me some cash he just called me a kid and told me that i am 16 and i shouldnt play games bicuze here thats what parents think
and i got mad at him and told him i would f**k his new wife in front of his eyes and he cant do anything but just watch and i told him that he is growing old and one day i would go to him and make him pay
Thats what technicaly happened i just wanted a pc like every teen wants something im not asking for something big and also i am making ideas and plans to make games i always loved to make my own game and i have preety much cool ideas drawed and written on my note book and i know stuff about computers so ye.... and he called me a kid and said he would never buy a pc for me bicuze i am not a kid anymore

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By the way thank you so much for talking with me
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