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Hello,

 

I am Ivan. I want to share my story, to get rid over the things in my chest and also get some advise of having a healthy life. I am a well-educated and professional. I know what I want for my career, but my career takes a lot of time and patience which I have, but my parents do not understand this, and this is the place where the disagreement and frustration are coming from.

I am born in a low class family. My parents has given birth to 5 daughters and one son (i.e. me). This is the first frustrating part in my life. My mother always wanted to have more sons, but eventually she just had me. She always put her responsibilities and her daughter's responsibilities over my shoulder. My mother has the (annoying) habit of comparing her son to other people. My father used to ignore all these things.

Time passes. I went to school. Get good grades. I went to university. I joined a university also as a lecturer (which is the first step in my career). Well successful life (at least at that time), making me happy and eventually my parents happy. But my parents takes all of my salary for me, leaving me money to have only a low profile life. I some times complained, but they never listened to me, like it is their "right" to take my money from me and use them for their site. I did not pushed too much, as there was always the statement from my mother, that they were giving me house, food, and they have paid for my education.

Well, time passed. It is almost 5 and half years, that I am out of their house. I have done a PhD. I am a project manager in a company. I make enough money to live my life comfortably. But for me it is just the beginning. I want to have more in life. My main focus is my career. Which I am doing well, and staying abroad, away from parents help me in that.

The main problem now, is my parents want me to be back to home as soon as possible (I mean I do not have the choice to stay abroad any more). They want me to marry (again their choice), be a family guy, taking care of them. And just be in front of them. Well, luckily they can not reach me, and also they do not know where I am right now (Neither I have any intention to tell them). I have changed my phone number, so they do not even have my phone number. I am "forced" to call them at least once a week. If I do not call, then they call my friends (at least the friends they know), which is very embarrassing for me. They always have this thing in their mind, that if I do not call, then I am dead. But every time I call them, they have this winning talk, which makes me sad. I do not want to make them sad, but I also do not want any body to be a trouble in my life and career. 

I have disconnected my self from my family quite a lot, which I am happy (at the moment). But my mind is not disconnected. Every time I am alone, I hallucinate my parents, and then talk/yell at them. Their talking/winning is always in my head, which does not let me be focused. I talk with my self quite a lot (which I like), but it is frustrating, tiring and to some people I look crazy. Any advice in this regard will be appreciated.

Thank you.

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Hi Ivan. How are you? I hope you are well. I read your story, kind of make me think that you are prob Indain Asian..Am i right.

The reason i say that is that your parents take your money from you. If this is normally done in your religion, then i suppose it's hard to come to terms with them not accepting that you don't hand your wages to them. I totally understand your thoughts, and it's a huge problem to face alone, trying to get your parents to understand what you are saying. But that doesn't mean you should give up. You love your job, but you have to come back by what your saying as the contract is coming to a end. You too are old enough to make your decisions. Try to piece it together, how much can you afford to give your parents if push came to shove, are you comfortable giving them that much, if not do you think you can manage alone with your wages definately. (sometimes they might say dont ever come back) If so you can, you move into your own home. Would they cut you out of their life if you did. If they didn't, could you still not afford to help them now and again. Do your parents work, have they enough to buy alone on thier wages?

Ivan, time to sit and talk to parents, that you are willing to help but this is what you want and how you are going about achieving it. Are they struggling to pay the morgage/rent? If so then agree with them what you are prepared to help with, ask for the resceipts to see where the money is being spent, so you can see what they are buying from it, well have been. I think you need to sit down and talk to them, one to one. Have a look at what they need it for, or what help they need, if it's going into, say bank accounts to savem then they dont need it. But look at the bigger picture. You are their son, help them when you can, but dont give your wages,see what they need it for. If this still dose not work then, you better settle elsewhere. One thing i learned in life before you take that decison is, family is always there, not mates, not people but family. If you ever felt sick, needed treatment, help or nursed back to help, they will come at your aid, anytime. So please think all things through, dont shut them out your life, but meet thier needs, if thier need is a little help in paying some bills. Your money is your money though, not worth getting upset about, life itslef presents lots of horrid troubles, so take this as a norm, figure it out, dont give in, stand your ground and see why they want it. Then re-think what you want to do from there. I hoped i helped. I pray that god helps you through this and you all can come to a solution. God bless.

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