I'm afraid I'm letting my insecurities sabotage my relationship with my boyfriend. How can I stop this from happening?



I want to feel better about myself, and I am going back to see an old counselor because my old memories of my ex keep on flooding back when I'm with my current boyfriend (my old ex was emotionally abusive) and I noticed that sometimes I get a vague sense of nauseousness if I let him touch me for too long or in certain places, and I get scared when I feel like I can't communicate with him or like I feel like he doesn't understand me...the first time I had sex was with my ex and maybe that's affecting the intimacy I have with my boyfriend now. Yet, me and my current boyfriend haven't had sex and we don't plan to because we want to be abstinent, but sometimes when he touches me in certain ways it just reminds me of my ex or I feel like I get the same sexual feelings I had when I was with my ex and that's when I feel sick.


I feel like I overreact about little things that he does that offend me that makes me think he is disrespecting me and I have to defend myself. Did anyone else go through this? I read somewhere that having a low self esteem or having been in an abusive relationship makes you subconsciously believe you don't deserve to have a good person or relationship, and you try to unconsciously sabotage it because you believe you don't deserve it.


I've talked to my boyfriend about this saying I want him to remember I've been hurt deeply before and I don't like talking about marriage or kids...(my ex pushed me to get engaged and I developed like a loathing towards marriage or engagement) he wasn't talking about it seriously, but I quickly wanted to squelsh that idea out of his mind and remind him we have been in a relationship for one year.


I feel like I want to be close to him emotionally, but I feel like maybe I give out mixed messages like "come closer and go away" in the same breath. That's how I feel sometimes and this thought really distresses me a lot, I wish I could figure out what is this obscure bad feeling I have...I feel confused I guess, like I can't figure it out for myself...this feeling comes up everytime I feel like my current boyfriend hasn't listened to me or hasn't paid me enough attention, then that's when this avalanche of insecurities come over me. Can anyone help? I would really appreciate it. thank you