Mostly what I can remember from my childhood is that my mom used to leave me alone at home and go to University when I was 5. I had problems and anxiety in my kindergarten and I couldn't let my mom go when they dropped me off there! I can clearly remember that very often I was so angry at my mom (when I was only 5 or 6) that I used to find something to hit her. I was mad at her, and right after that, I used to jump into her arms to hug me! The most important part is that since I was 8 or 9 I decided that I need to find other place than family, in order to find the emotional connection that I needed. I had lots of problems at school. At 5th grade, I was so scared of our teacher that I changed my school. At middle school and high school I had mostly problem with other students in a way that I was so weak and needy that they didn't accept me as their friend and on the other hand I had a really good relation with school principals. Now I am 26, left my family and my country, leaving in Europe and didn't visit my family for 4 years and even didn't let them to come and visit me here! I haven't had a relationship and destroyed every chance of getting into a relationship by showing neediness and weakness, however women see me in the first place as a very masculine and attractive man, who knows what he is doing with his life. But when they get closer they see a lost kid who is looking for attention.
I cannot trust what I feel and think about women and their behavior at all, I cannot understand what they mean by their behavior and their indirect word.
Depression and haplessness for my future has caused damage to my personal and educational life.