hi for the last 12 years i have been having a battle with myself in my head and i really want to sort it out. i have been to see many doctors who have said "oh you seem to be a little depressed" but its more than that. I can go from being really happy to really mad in minutes and it scares me what i am capable of. i have even beaten my ex partner black and blue and i can not recall ever doing it. earlier this year i tried to kill myself and the hospital fobbed me off saying i was crying for help but no matter how hard i tried to tell them they wouldnt listen. i really wanted to die that day and am still so mad i was found. i woke up in that hospital and was so angry i was still here. They made me feel like i was just taking up a bed for the night and someone else deserved it more.......well they were right on that one actually cos i should of been dead. i planned it for ages saved up loads of medication. no one had a clue. i wrote letters to my kids and to my mum telling her how i wanted my kids to be looked after. i do feel ashamed of what i did but i wasnt supposed to be here to deal with the aftermath and thats actually more frightening that actually killing myself.
i love my kids dearly dnt get me wrong but i think they deserve better than me. they deserve a mother who is happy and no matter how hard i try i cant do it. i dnt know what makes me feel this way so i cant controll it. on a bad day ill avoid everyone even keep my kids off school so i dnt have to bump into anyone. my kids can hardly move without me screaming at them. i fall out with everyone and say nasty evil horrible things but i cant control it. on a gud day you wud never think there was anything wrong. i feel great i take the kids out i treat them to new things i enjoy socialising i feel like i could take on the world but i have to say the bad days overrule the good. i know my kids are scared of me and that breaks my heart it makes me want to die even more. i was scared of my stepfather and i know how destroying it can be for a child and i cant control it. i just want to wake up in the mornings after a good nights sleep and look after my 4 gorgeous kids and i want to them to look at me with smiles not a face that says i wonder which mood it is today. please help me.