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This may seem like a weird thing to post but I'm having issues with my boyfriend. I feel like he relies on his parents opinions far too much. He will not do anything that he thinks could possibly upset his parents or that he thinks they would not approve of. Although I am close to my parents too, I do what I think is right and what I think will benefit me. I never want to upset my parents, clearly, but we are all different people and some things work for one person that don't work for the other. We are planning on getting married and this is my only issue with our relationship. I feel like as a married couple we should be making decisions for US together. I do not understand why he still plans on going to his parents for their advice and to see what they think and bounce ideas off of them... I would assume that that's what we should be doing. Am I being unreasonable? I value that he is close with his parents but at some point shouldn't he decide that what he needs and what his parents think he needs are two different things? Can someone please help... I'm trying to avoid fighting about this topic but it's really eating away at me inside and making me resent his relationship with his parents. Thank you!

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6889 posts
I say you're lucky you have identified the problem before you got married. You have a chance to think about it before you do get married. I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you how a similar problem has affected my life.

After I got married I was shocked the first time her car broke down. Instead of telling me about it, she took it right to her father to have him fix it. Me and my racing partner had a garage where we built dragsters. At that time we were building WINNING dragsters. We were in the middle of a three year run where our dragster never lost a race. So I certainly had the ability to fix her car and I felt pretty bad that she took it to her father.

When our/her first son was born I was not considered capable of taking care of him. He belonged to her and her mother. I remember the first time I picked him up and got yelled at for not doing it right. It wasn't like I had never handled a baby before. When I was in the army I used to baby sit for my married friends a lot so they could have a night out. I never broke any of their kids. The only time I was allowed to hold our son was when company came to visit. She would put him in my arms so they could see daddy hold the baby. So it never felt to me like "our" kids were ours, more like they were hers.

Christmas was mainly at her parents house. Thanksgiving was always at her parents house. So "we" never started any of those traditions of our own.

"Our" house has never felt to me like it's ours or mine so I have never fixed it up the way most people do to their home. I bought it 41 years ago and all I've done is fix things that needed repair, because it doesn't feel like "my home".

I'm almost 70 and I will never be able to stop working because "we" didn't work together to plan for a retirement. I tried hard to plan it by myself but things didn't work out that way. I just couldn't do it without some co-operation.

So I do what I want for fun and she does what she wants. If we happen to do something together --- that's nice. Not quite what I expected marriage was supposed to be like but I'm still having fun. The only thing that seems strange to me is my feeling about the future. I guess it's because I can never retire. If I wake up dead tomorrow morning, I don't care ---- it just doesn't matter.

So that's how your type of situation has played out in my life.
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