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As the subject of my post suggests I need some serious help. I had been a relationship with a guy for 5 years. In the begnning of our relationship my boyfriend took me for granted, but i stayd with him because I was in love with him. Anyway after a year i broke up with him and went out with someone else, that hurt him and finally I patched up with him and he was good to me. However, I over-dosed, ended up in the hospital, when he found out he hit me. Many a time we broke up and got back together. He never dated anyone else, although I dated a couple of men. Recently, it made him so furious that he hit me brutally. I was naturally traumatised. The thing is i still love him very much and can't seem to break up with him. I want to help him. Do you think I should leave him? If yes, how, because I've tried it a million times, but i cannot seem to let go of him. Please help. He loves me like crazy and I know he would be a good father if not a good husband and I want to stay with him because i feel nobody will love me as much as he does.

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I'm sorry hon, but i am from the old school. Hit me once, shame on you, hit me twice, shame on me.
That says you could probably forgive him once but twice, nope, see ya.
I don't care how much you love this guy or how much he says he loves you, love isn't supposed to hurt (physically)
How could you want that for your son or daughter. Would you want your children to witness their dad slapping the c**p out of their mom? Come on girl, wake up a little.
You say you just can't seem to be able to let him go, well one of these days he's not going to be able to let go of your throat.
Okay, for all intent and purpose, suggest counseling to him. If he squawks,
bag it before you end up getting zipped into one.
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Thankyou for replying. Do you think if he goes for counseling, will his mental health improve? The situation is so embarrassing that I cannot even talk to anyone about it. Unfortunately, in a country like Pakistan hitting your partners, wives is quite common.
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I don't like that at all. Why is it okay for men to hit their women??? I don't understand. i guess, like you say, it is like that in some countries, but not here in the good old USA. Talk to him about counseling, do you have that there?
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Yes we do have it here. But the fact still remains, can it actually fix him?
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I don't know if it will help him as he really has to want to get the help and let it actually work for him.
If that is the custom there, do you think it will work for him?
Are there some nice guys there who don't smack on their women?
It all depends on him. How important are you to him?
How important is the relationship to him?
But above all that, what is your opinion?
Do you love him enough to ask him to talk to someone?
The only thing you can do is try, that's all, and if he fights you on it and refuses to at least try, then you know that you have done whatever you could to save this relationship.
Does hitting a women make the men feel like they are a real man there?
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There are good men here. For instance nobody in my family hits women. We do have good psychologists and psychiatrists here. But his ego is the issue here.
Anyway thanks for replying.
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World has witnessed lots of evil deeds of not only hitting ladies but man slaughtering by some ill mannered psycho individuals whether in 'good old' USA or any where else. Such evil deeds like the later cases are enormously witnessed in so called 'developed' countries as the 'good old' USA.

Please allow me to present the following:
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Violence Against Women in the United States as reported by National Organization for Women-the largest organization of feminist activists in the United States founded in 1966.

MURDER. Every day four women die in this country as a result of domestic violence, the euphemism for murders and assaults by husbands and boyfriends. That's approximately 1,400 women a year, according to the FBI. The number of women who have been murdered by their intimate partners is greater than the number of soldiers killed in the Vietnam War.

BATTERING
. Although only 572,000 reports of assault by intimates are officially reported to federal officials each year, the most conservative estimates indicate two to four million women of all races and classes are battered each year. At least 170,000 of those violent incidents are serious enough to require hospitalization, emergency room care or a doctor's attention.

SEXUAL ASSAULT. Every year approximately 132,000 women report that they have been victims of rape or attempted rape, and more than half of them knew their attackers.
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(Bureau of Justice Statistics, Homicide Trends in the United States, Intimate Homicide, 2001)
Between 1993 and 1999, an intimate was responsible for 45% of homicides of women age 20-24 and almost 40% of homicides of women age 35-49.

(Rennison, C.M., PhD., Intimate Partner Violence and Age of Victim, 1993-99, 2001, NCJ-187635)

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics' (BLS) Census of Fatal Occupational Injuries (CFOI)system data for calendar year 2003, homicides were the second leading cause of death of the job for women, and 15% of the 119 workplace homicides of women in that year were attributed to a current or former husband or boyfriend.
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Hitting a woman does not make a man feel like he is a real man there or any where else, the underlying cause is much more complicated than this.

To start with, nothing i mean nothing at all, could give the man the right to hit their partners whether brutally or not by any righteous standard.

Dear Ayesha.n, as a lady born in same culture as you were and married happily to a wonderful religious husband for 11 years, allow me to tell you that you your self are not doing just in saving the relationship in which you claim to love your partner so much, not to be able to break up with him and really want to help him... Believe me dear any righteous person would not cheat around her loved one and expect 'happily ever after'. "He never dated anyone else, although I dated a couple of men" ... if any one should talk about real love, i am afraid it is going to be your partner dear. But here comes the question, does he love you enough not to even think of hurting you with bad words let alone physically. There are some surprising studies' findings that some times it is in human's nature with excessive love to make them want hurt the loved one specially if they feel they are being threatened of losing it. You can easily find out. If you really love him, want to help him get out of the troublesome behavior of hitting and assaulting, stop wandering around, love him, stick with him, show him how what he is doing contradicts to his faith and how much it is hurting you.
Don't give up hope on him yet honey. Tell him you love him and only him and show him you meant it in order to make him feel secured. Show him your appreciation whenever he did good for you and don't take him for granted. Then believe me dear he will turn around and wouldn't even allow for a single fly to fly over you for fear of the possibility that the fly might hurt you.


May Allah be with you sister!
Good Luck!!!
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Here in the United States, women will fight back, that is why women get hurt and/killed here. I know that sometimes men just snap and murder their women for no reason, but we do fight back.

We do not bow down and allow our men to thrash us, then go make them dinner and submit to their sexual desires after desert.(more so than not)

I understand that this is acceptable in other countries. Women is submissive to her man, just not here.

It is not acceptable to hit your women (and the other way around) for sure.

That is why i suggested some kind of counseling for this girl. LOVE and UNDERSTANDING just doesn't fix it.

I love my pit bull, but, he could snap and rip my arm off.

She loves her man, but, he could kill her.

Love and understand is not help. It is just ignorance, and beleiving that you are going to fix someone with love and understanding is BS.

I know a few marraiges where the "MAN" is the the king. What he says goes, if it doesn't go his way, there is hell to pay. She gets slapped around. She has suggested counseling, he says he knows just how he wants his marraige to be ran and thats final. She continues to love and understand, he continues to berate and slap. Okay, where is the sense here? Is she supposed to love him and understand him while he is kicking her butt? How long is she supposed to love and understand? What is appreciation? Thanking him for doing something nice for her then later he angry because she forgot to take the garbage out?

I agree, there are underlying problems here, that's where help is needed.

Love and understanding AND a therapist is necessary, if that even works at all.
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Dear Ayesha.n

I praise your effort in solving the problem and help your partner. You have at least started by asking for others' opinion and I hope you are benefiting from whatever reply you are getting here because the bottom line here is helping you solve the issue. I hope you know what I was referring to and fully understand that whatever good you are supposed to do to your partner is also your every right to expect it from him. This is what I was referring to in my previous reply when I say "show him how what he is doing contradicts to his faith and how much it is hurting you" b/c unlike other ethical systems, Islam's moral system is a very detailed and complete package. Islam addresses every aspect of human life, no matter how minor. so living far from these divine revelations would turn any human being to be in a position where your partner is found to be right now.

Qur'an 2:226 And for women are rights over men similar to those of men over women.

Qur'an 3:195 I shall not lose sight of the labor of any of you who labors in My way, be it man or woman; each of you is equal to the other.

Qur'an 4:19 ...Live with women on a footing of kindness and equity.

The Qur'an stresses love and mercy as the foundation of marriage.

God would not judge us by our race, religion, culture, education, or .... BUT only by our good deeds:
Qur'an 49:13. O mankind! We have created you from a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that you may know and appreciate one another. Verily, the most noble among you in the sight of God is the most righteous. Verily, God is All-Knowing, All-Aware.

The Prophet (PBUH) said"The most perfect of the believers in faith are the best of them in morals. And the best among these is who is best to his wife".

The Prophet (PBUH)also said: 'Whoever has a daughter born to him, and he did not prefer his son over her, Allah will admit him to Paradise because of her.' (Mustadarak Al-Hâkim)

dear bbfeet9
i understand your concern and praise and respect your effort in helping Ayesha.n solve her troublesome relationship. Dear sister, taking into consideration the shocking statistics and paralyzing real life cruel violence against women going on there, I also understand where your huge fear of Man came from. I don't know where in the world such devilish marriage as described above would stand. Let alone in humans who know that they are going to die tomorrow and face God's judgment but am afraid we might not be able to find such in animals. I am deeply sorry if I offended you in any way in my previous response and forced you to be.... I will try to understand you and whatever you say and continue to love you not because I have to but because I know that Love and Understanding would turn the whole world around if we really know what we mean by them.

I agree with the recommendation of a therapist. Additionally, it would also be wise to see a relationship or marriage counselors for BOTH of them (Ayesha.n I know you have excellent professionals there) HOWEVER it would all work if and only if there is still LOVE and UNDERSTANDING between the two of you along the process.

Dear Ayesha.n, after trying all that it takes, if it does not work and he continues to treat you like he is doing now, then you have no choice other than letting him GO b/c you don't want to end up with an ignoble man who overlooks being righteous in the face of man and God and don't want him any where near your children. Leave out the notion of 'nobody will love me as much as he does'. Believe me hon you deserve much better and being taken for granted again will not be one of them.

The prophet described a man's treatment of women to be reflective of his own nobility or worth. The Prophet said: 'None but a noble man treats woman in an honorable manner. And none but an ignoble treats woman disgracefully' (Sunan At-Tirmidhî)

Pls let us know the progress dear.
I hope he gets back to his conscience right away.
May Allah's peace be with us all! Good Luck!!!
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I to, respect what you have to say Islampeace, but we are not afraid of our men, and that is probably why so many wives and partners are getting hurt and/or killed.
We women do stand up to our men, not physically (sometimes) while others take the quiet side of an argument and allow themselves to be belittled and battered.
These women do have fear to stand tall because of the way their men have made them feel. Fat, skinny, ugly, stupid, no good in bed, the list is endless. Some men have a way of making their women feel so small and useless, tho they are not, but it has been drummed into them from their man, making them feel that they are no good to anyone.
It almost sounds like i contradicted myself here a bit but, many women here are just as "in your face" as any man could be.
Many women will not allow their man to talk down to them or to even think about slapping them.
And the ones that do, have no self esteem left to even have the energy to fight back.
These are the wives and mothers who end up getting hurt, even killed.
Not long ago, i saw the news that said a husband slaughtered his wife because the tv was to loud in the other room. Up till then, family and friends thought the marraige was fine. The crime scene investigaters said they have never seen anything like it. There was not a free spot on her body that didn't have a stab wound in it. And the sad part was, their 4 year old daughter saw the whole thing. She was covered in blood because she was trying to help her mom to wake up, this is what she told the police.
He snapped. Obviously something going on under all that and no one saw it. Was she battered and didn't tell anyone prior to all this? No one will ever know. He is now locked up in a jail for the criminally insane.
Love and understanding, i don't buy it, not for a second.
But i honestly do respect your opinions for sure, as we are all entitled to have one, or several for that matter. That's why we live in America, where we can use our voice and speak what is on our mind, with no fear of getting our faces slapped or locked in a room. We live in the land of the free. We do not have to bow down to our men, we do not have to walk behind them, we do not have to bear children if we choose not to, we do not have to sit in the shadow of our husbands, tho i am sure some do, but that is out of fear and not by choice. We can say no, we can say i'm don't feel like cooking tonight, we say say, you get up with the baby, and we can choose to have sex with our husbands, when we want to and even if we feel like it.
The divorce rate is high here. Many women divorce their husbands because they got one black eye to many. Divorce is not a shameful thing here, it happens every day, it's like going to the store, it's not a big deal to say that you are divorced. Many have divorce party's. When i got divorced my girlfriends took me to a strip club (guys)
What happens when divorce happens in Pakistan? Is it a shameful thing there? My friends husband hails from Iran. She was fun to be with before she got married. Now she is divorced, but she is fun to be with again.
I can not bash other cultures, and i will not repeat what she told me, but she is better off divorced.
So you see, your end of town is no different than ours. Our end just doesn't hear so much about your statistics and rape and spousal abuse and man killing his women. You are no different that us, but yet so quick to point out the statistics.
Man marries a women, man starts beating on his women, women suggests a counselor, man smacks her for suggesting that, women says "see ya" and she now lives happily ever after.
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Nice to read from you again bbfeet9. I am really lucky to know you and share opinions with you. You know what? I can’t really stop my self from crying my heart out as I read the sad story and think of the poor lady and her daughter. God! I really am stunned and I don’t even know what to say! I am so sorry!

I am afraid taking every thing to imaginary extremes and misconceptions might lead us to dwell more and more on our seemingly differences instead of focusing on what we have in common here hon. We are both concerned about Ayesha.n and trying to help based on our back ground, life experience, and may be some bias and misconception, if we may admit. It is ok to have our own opinion(s) as long as it is helping us get through life in our respective environments. I would really love to know more about your environment and share with you mine. I was not trying to offend you by mentioning the statistics, no - no way. I was just trying to show the magnitude and scope of the problem. I agree that the issue is not unique for your place. We find same at every corner of the world though with different magnitude. Every place could have its share of immoral and unjust individuals. Regardless of the national boundaries though we (men and women) all need to feel responsible and work together to deal with the domestic violence issue more than ever. I share with you how shameful it is to make women fear to stand tall and lose their self esteem based on such physical traits as getting fat, skinny, ugly, no good in bed, etc even if they actually were fat,… . Insignificant change in our hormones might cause so many changes to our physical appearance, energy, health, etc more so to women than men. No one has the right to judge others based on such physical traits rather on their deeds.
Let me share with you what is believed here with regard to this. Men should not be allowed to examine our rear or at any angle for that matter and imagine us naked! Just like men, women also should be judged only by their minds. When a woman is covered, men cannot judge her by her appearance but are forced to evaluate her by her personality, character, and morals. You feel modest...and you feel like you're covered up. You have more self-respect. You have more confidence in yourself that you don't need to care about (how) you look and what the guys on the street whispers about. It allows you to be who you are. Perhaps, as we de-emphasize our bodies; this severe imbalance will be at least partially rectified. This is just my side of the story and I know you would have yours and pay respect to that.

With regard to the house hold, would you be surprised if I tell you that it is the man’s responsibility to take care of the food or get up with the baby? the mere carrying of the baby for nine months inside her body and giving birth to it is much more significant and worthwhile than what the male parent can ever give or do to the child. The man tries to do whatever it takes to at least pay their ‘debts’ to the baby and the mother in the eyes of God, preparing food or getting up with the baby are the least of them for God fearing husbands. (I always thank God that mine is one of them).
I am sorry to hear about your divorce. Once I heard there are some cultures that prohibit divorce and was so surprised. In my culture what happens during divorce is the man leaves the house until the divorce procedure is finalized during which the man would not be relieved from any of his domestic responsibilities financially as well as taking care of house hold matters and is not allowed to do less (than before divorce). He neither is allowed to enter the house unless the woman permits it. If the two marriage partners do not get along, what else is there to do other than nice and tidy divorce? Of course a lot has to be done to minimize the damage it would have caused for any of them and most importantly to the children (if any). I believe you are much better of divorced as is your friend. Other wise I know anyone of you would not have gone through the hard experience just for fun or just b/c you can. I believe you both are doing well.

Look Ayesha.n, domestic violence is everybody's business and there's no excuse for it. Pls don’t think we have shifted our attention from you rather we are more and more into it. So while trying to deal with the issue as we have discussed previously, I want you to keep the following in mind dear.
1. First Know this is not Islamic. This knowledge is your most powerful ally against those who try to justify wife abuse in any way or form be it physical or verbal.
2. Sorry to say this but remember abuse is mostly repetitive even by those who swear to never repeat it again and hence take at most precaution.
3. Find a friend or family member around you to whom you share the facts with.
4. If possible join a support group. The only people who feel more what you are going through are someone else who is going through it herself. Whether the support group of women suffering from domestic violence meets at your home, someone else's home, calls each other on occasion or meets at a center, this group will at least be a place where you can share the pain and the solution.

Happy to know you all.

Ayesha.n pls let us know the status and don’t forget that we are here for you in any possible way you want us to be.

May Allah’s peace be with all humankind!
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ok ask yourself this. even if most the time he may well be an amazing person, do you actually think that an abusive (however infrequent) father would be a good role model? or for that matter a good husband? i can tell you from exprience the answer is no. and for another thing do you thinkyou would be a good (potential) mother knowing you boyfriend would hurt your children every now and again? hell no. i dont even know you but it makes me angry to believe that you would put up with somthing you deffinately do NOT deserve and subject (possible) children to that. i know its hard but you either need to help him fast, or leave him. those are you choices but deffinately, most certainly do not tell yourself he didnt mean it, or it wasnt his fault he just got angry, or worsse; i shouldnt have upset him. screw that iff he hits/hurts you he knows what hes doing. also once he has hurt you with little repercussions hell do it again and again and the more he does it, the easier it will be.and let me ask you one final thing... if he really, truely loved you, do you honestly believe he would hurt you??
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