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Hey, I just felt like writing this out because I feel I will explode if I keep it bottled in any longer. I'm 20 years old, coming close to 21 and I am in my 3rd year of a 4 year degree in University. I live at home, and my dad is a final year student in the same college as me. I'm only a learner driver so I have to either get a 40 minute lift with my dad to college, or spend 2 hours trying to bus it. The problem is, I am in a relationship with a 25 year old guy who is reaching the end of his tether. He would like me to stay in his on Sunday nights because I don't have college on Monday's but I'm not allowed. My mam goes into how I am not studying, and I spend all weekend working and seeing him and I don't study and how I'm going to end up in my part time job for the rest of my life, that I am just a disaster in the making.

My boyfriend has been giving out to me, saying my mother is dictating our relationship, that it's all based in what I'm "allowed" to do. I know he is right. I am anxious when I stay in his about not coming home too late, I can't just relax and enjoy being with him. Any time my phone goes off I get a feeling of dread and sick that it's my parents and they are pissed off. This then leads to a row with my boyfriend. I lie and say I'm in a friends and we have gone to the movies or something. I don't want to, I hate it. I'd love to be able for my parents to respect me as a person that I can't just be a walking study machine. I don't go out in college at all, I go out in my hometown some weekends but I don't stay out too late because I have work every Sunday from 8-6. We had a row last night, he won't put up with it for much longer, says I'm a girl not a woman, that I need to be told what to do and that I should cop on.

I feel like my parents have stunted my ability to grow. I want to get a degree, i want to succeed. Yet I also want my relationship with my parents and my boyfriend to be on good terms. I don't feel like this is possible. It seems like I'm either going to lose my boyfriend and be stuck with these controlling parents until I can move out, or I'm going to end up having an almighty row with my parents and have to move into my sisters or something. I get lifts to college with my dad, i get lifts to work with my dad/mum, i live with my parents. 

It's bad enough that my boyfriend has trust issues and I am trying to resolve them, but then I also have this to worry about. He gets angry and says sure he can go get someone his own age, they'll be a woman, be independent and get to see them when he wants. Am I just doomed to fail in all areas? Is there a way to release the bounds my parents have me in and still get on with them? Is there a way my boyfriend will understand how frustrating and difficult this is? I feel like I can never breathe, never relax, there is always someone going to be mad at me.

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My mom is the exact way. Have you tried talking to your parents about what they're doing to you and your life? Maybe making some compromises with them?

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Yeah but I think she would just go off on a tangent comparing me to my dad. He is in his office studying all the time, and yet when I am up in my room, I'm dossing I'm not studying. Thing is I can't afford to not study. I want to be able to sit down and talk it out with them, but like just there I went downstairs and she is in a horrible mood. It's like ice tension, even my brother mentioned her humour and how she is always moody.
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Health Ace
6897 posts

I think you need to do a lot more growing up before you will be ready to be on your own. What is the degree you are pursuing? You write more like a 4th grader than a college student. Is English your first language?

It may be that they have not allowed you to grow but it sounds like they have good reason to worry about you.

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Yes I'm Irish but English is my first language. I was writing while frustrated so I'd say that's why my writing skills were not up to standard.

I am passing all of my exams, I have a part-time job, I don't drink much or do drugs. If they backed off, I'd be able to breathe.
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Hi Down,

I'll keep it brief.

1.  You are living at home with your parents.  You depend upon them for housing and transportation, likely tuition as well.

2.  Your boyfriend is much older and "appears" to live on his own.

3.  Until you are in the same position as your boyfriend you have to abide by your parents rules.

4.  Your parents want what is best for you.  Your boyfriend wants you.  Can you understand the difference?  Have you heard the expression why buy a cow if you can get the milk for free?

As you've been told, I also think you have a lot of growing up to do.

 

 

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Hey Downinthedumps,

I hope this post finds you well.

I have to start by agreeing with other posters on here. Your post appears to be written by someone who is quite young-minded for 20years old. When I consider the women of 20years old that I have known or currently know; your situation seems best suited to someone of around 16 or 17.

For this reason, it is quite difficult to advise you. I agree with previous posters that while you are under your parents roof and receiving financial and living support from them, then you have to abide by certain rules. I also agree that perhaps your parents don't feel that your mature enough to loosen the reigns.

 

However- I think you have got used to the strap of their reigns. You appear very reliant on them and this is something you need to change. You are a young adult with a job, who is studying towards a professional future, yet you can't have a conversation with your parents and compromise on household rules that you all agree on and which allows you responsability for your own life.

Perhaps moving in with your sister is a good idea. Will she ensure that you take on your own financial responsabilities and transport to work? If you can't move in with your sister, have you considered applying for student accomodation or renting with other students? Have you looked in to student funding for accomodation? Perhaps taking on some responsability and being able to make mistakes will help you develop as a person. While your parents have your best interests at heart, you need to make mistakes in order to learn. If your boyfriend is a mistake, you will learn quickly.

 

For the record, if you are 'trying to resolve his trust issues', I agree with your parents apprehensiveness at accepting your relationship. You are not living together and you haven't lived together, so the relationship is not exactly serious- so why the trust issues? If there is a mention of trying to resolve trust issues at this stage of your relationship, reconsider your relationship. I don't think he's too old for you- he's only 4 or 5 years older than you (you said you were nearly 21 and he's 25)- hardly a massive age gap, especially in terms of emotional and physical development. Yet both of you sound as if you have emotional issues, in different ways. His issues, I've already stated (quite clearly. lol), but yours tend to be that you are reluctant to grow-up and take responsability in certain areas of your life.

 

As an overview, your post has the air of someone who is afraid to make decisions and take on the responsability of general decisions, yet you put a lot of emphasis on the emotional responsabilities you take on for others. You said you always feel as if someone is going to be mad at you- this indicates that you always have a feeling of being in the wrong. Why? Surely you are allowed to do 'things' that don't affect anyone elses life, but yours? Like staying around a boyfriends or girlfriends, if that is your decision and not influenced by anyone else's dictation. At 20years old, you should be able to stay out late and have a social life independent from the parents. You're a student- you should be enjoying the best years of your life and taking advantage of the ability to party and still get a degree. As long as you are respecting your parents home, studying and working when you say you are and taking their opinions and worries in to consideration in your decisions; you should be living the life of a regular student and being allowed to grow as a person. Yet in order to show your parents that you are indeed an adult, you may need to become more assertive and self-sufficient.

And possibly review where your relationships at.

You can have a good relationship with both the parents and boyfriends, but you're going to have to start with thinking like an adult and getting vocal.

 

Best of luck with your situation and good luck with your degree.

 

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My mum was like this when I was younger, I met boys and went on dates but it never really went any further cos my mum would always be there to pick me up and give me reasons why he was no good, so I would just give in. I was 23 and I had never had a proper boyfriend, then I met my now partner. I knew I wanted to be with him and I had to grow up or I would have been my mums little girl forever. It was hard and I spent a lot of time crying and I moved in with my boyfriend to early to get away but I am still with my boyfriend after 10 years and my mum warmed to him when she saw that I was happy. Don't be pushed in to anything by your parents or your boyfriend, if he really wanted a girl of his own age, he wouldn't need to tell you, he could just go find one, he's just trying to give you a push. I wouldn't say my mum was always wrong though but I did have to grow up. Good luck with everything honey. Xx
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my mom is the exact same im 23 and i finally moved out and all she keeps telling me is how im gonna come running back as soon as we have our first fight or as soon as we cant pay rent.. but we fight like cats and dogs but im also head over heels in love with him and he is the only person i can picture spending the rest of my life with.... if only i can get past the feelings that his parents hate me and that my mom hates him, but i also feel like everytime we fight its my fault that ive done something wrong... and he is always doing things for me, trying to cheer me up when im upset, cleaning when i dont feel like it, cooking me dinner when i get off work (thats a good thing cause id probably cause food poisoning) but if your parents are anything like my mom, our relationship isnt the greatest its not bad but its not great and ive told her many times how good he is and that i can make it on my own and to prove it to myself i am working 2 jobs possibly starting another tomorrow and trying to go to school all at once, im overloading myself just to prove to my family that i can stand on my own. but if hes really threatening to leave you for someone closer to his age then there is that small chance that your parents are right. i hate to say it but in the past my mom has been right about a couple guys and dead wrong about a couple including my current boyfriend. if you haven't already try sitting down and explaining your feelings to them in an atmosphere that they cant ignore you and dont let them interrupt you. parents do that a lot....
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Though I'm only almost 13, I can relate to some things. My dad absolutely hates my boyfriend. He is always getting on me to study( and when my grades go down he explodes).  I can't relate to moving in with other people. But when my boy friend takes me to the movies at the mall, and my mom drops me off, I tell her my friends and I are hanging at the food court. Then knowing my mom, I call my friends to ask them to cover for me. Anyway, I can relate to the whole, controlling and overprotective parents thing.

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How can i tell both my parents to stay out of mine n my fiance relationship
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This is bull you don’t get it.
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You're a f*****g as****e, let her live. Her grammar is perfectly fine for the most part, and she's obviously upset which could account for any errors. Don't be such a pretentious penis to people and you'll find people will actually be able to tolerate your presence for once. Have a nice day :)
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Health Guru
9742 posts
Oh no not another keyboard warrior!!
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