Breaking up with alcoholic boyfriend... abusive...needing support

As I look for support my partner is on the door step passed out, and don't know what to do, actually that's a lie I've read so many comments on here and it seems there's only one way we have been together 11 years he's drinking at work you know the story, lies never be straight forward yes or no awnsers it's heart breaking wanted to marry but said not until it's sorted and it seems it's not gonna happen, we have a 9 year old son and it's gonna hurt him the most am tired worn out and can't cope anymore but don't want to turn my back on him any suggestions please

Please....u r not alone...I feel awful you and your child are going through this...I try to let go everyday and I can't...he s been out of my life fir three months now and I have learned to isolate from everyone because u am in too much pain...I aunt ever give up on him because u love him more than I live anything...hang in there...I don't have ant answer fir you just know u care....rebecca

I am reading this now and crying my eyes out as I feel your pain as I right at this moment am going through this. In fact my boyfriend is on a drinking binge, we just got into a fight over nothing, and he walked out the door.  I know he is sick. I have know him since we were kindergarten and we are now 34. We have been together for 3 years and I absolutely love him but I have taken my share of emotional abuse. Why do I allow him to do this and think that it's ok or even normal for that matter. I think this might be the end of our relationship and I am in agony. I am not saying I am perfect but I don't drink at all and can't even begin to imagine what is going on in his head.  This is the most emotional rollercoaster I have ever been on:(

 

I am so sorry...u wish i could help you because u know how it feels to have no hope....the holidays coming up are depressing me further...i feel like because icre abiut my ex bf who seems onlt to care about himself u have ni one ib my life....totally unappreciative of all i did for him....im getting depressed nore eaxh day

Wow.. your story sure mimmicks mine, I too was with a man for almost 7 years and I have just ended it for like the 5th time this past week.. I hated to do it because I too still care for him but I just couldnt take it emotionally anymore.. I have some regret that I "gave up" or thats what it feels like but I had to do what was right for me for a change.. Good Luck I hope we can be strong ...

me too...it has been so hard and i feel so alone....literally i gave so much and still see him about once a week all on his terms....he doesn't even have a cell phone if i needed him for emergencies...he is never there for me and i feel totally alone...he doesn't even care i love him...except for when he does....i have put my family and friends at bay because i am ashamed and miserable...i want to have at least one child but i can't open up to any other guys because i feel damaged....i want to give up

Omg sounds just like my situation amazing how they use our hope & love to suck us back in to just destroy us again. This time im sticking to my guns Im feeling pretty numb to him anyway he is making it easier each time to walk away. Doesnt help that he's a cop and drives around drunk. He is Above the law.

Well here I am back after 5 months. I wrote back in September last year that I had thrown my alcoholic partner out for the last time and he had taken up with another woman only a week after we split up. Well, you guessed it, I took him back AGAIN just before Christmas and it has ended badly yet again. Apparently it only lasted 6 weeks with the other woman before she had him charged with rape, which he is denying. I believe him, because as bad as he is with the drinking, I have never seen any sign if that kind if violence. She apparently is a big drinker also so I'm not really sure what went on. Anyway, he is on bail and is facing jail time, probably for a crime he didn't commit and I guess I felt sorry for him. I agreed to see him again on the condition that he stop with the drinking, or at least cut down. As always, things were ok to start with, he even organized little surprise outings for us, lovely picnics etc. I was seeing someone else at the time and I guess he was trying to win me back. I ended it with this other guy, things weren't working anyway, and started seeing the alcoholic guy again. With all the stress of the rape charge, things just went bad again. His drinking increased again, I was so resentful and angry because of what was happening to him, he brought it all on himself, rushing into another relationship so quickly, and I was resentful because I had split up with the other guy to come back to him and he was no different. Anyway, it all came to a head last night, he was so drunk, could hardly walk or talk and started calling me names etc. I told him it was my house and I wouldn't put up with being disrespected in my own home and asked him to leave several times. He wouldn't, and things just got worse so I physically pushed him out and locked the doors. He then started yelling through my bedroom window, generally disturbing my neighbors and being a total jerk. I told him to leave or I would call the police, something I didn't want to do because of his bail etc, but finally I had no choice. He then got in his car and started to drive off, so drunk he could hardly walk. The police caught up with him so of course he spent the night in the cells for breach of bail and no doubt he has no license today which will probably mean no job. I feel so awful because I do still love him, but I can't do it anymore. I went to hell and back with him previously for 14 months, he didn't care about that when he went with the other woman so quickly and I can't put myself through anymore of it. I feel dreadful, not only cause I rang the police and he's in a whole heap more trouble, but because I still love him. Like a lot that I have read about on here, when he wasn't drinking he could be so loving and caring. I guess I just have to pick up the pieces yet again and hopefully have the strength to stay away this time. I'm almost 50 and feel that my life us being wasted.

This post is just what I needed to hear. I recently dumped my ABF of 9 months after catching him lying. Not only was he an alcoholic, he was also a severe womanizer. I was just one of many women that he probably tells his sob story to. I fell for it, felt bad for him, and tried to help him. But you can't help someone that doesn't see the extent of their addiction and doesn't feel the need to change. It's sad. I feel a lot of anger towards him due to all the lies (I am realizing how foolish and gullible I was) but I also feel bad for him b/c he is throwing his life away. I was done being hurt and feeling to blame for everything. I actually feel so much better without him, although it admittedly took me three break ups to feel this strong and detached. I hope he gets help and gets healthy so he can realize his potential but it's not my job to help him do that. Such a waste.

You are not alone.....ive been on here months....its all im left with...im destroyed

You are not alone.....ive been on here months....its all im left with...im destroyed....i cant let go...love

Hello, I have been looking for information for over a week now.  I have been dating a guy for 1 1/2 years and we moved in together in November.  I wasn't ready to move in together and continued to express that but he always found a way around the topinc and low and behold he relocated to my city and boom.  He was in rehab and sober for a period of time.  Within a month of moving my condo which had been up for sale for 7 months sold.  Things became very ugly very fast.  5 days before Settlement of Selling my kitchen caught fire from him cooking.  It lead me to a breakdown because I believe he had been drinking and of course he swears not, my friends somehow pulled this together and the house sold.  He and I took some time apart during the Holidays and he stayed in a hotel so I could think things thru.  I just bought a house and although he did nothing I asked he moved in.  It's been a month and he managed to ruin my 50th birthday.  Honestly I told him I love him but am not in love with him any longer and he thought it was the stress of everything.  It is truely because he has beaten me down verbally.  I feel nothing.  I love him as a person as he has a heart of gold when he isn't drinking.  I am not sure when that is now since I just found out he now hides it from me.  He relocated here, so only knows my friends but I am working on my plan.  I am finished and honestly am not sure how to go about things.  It's my house and I am not leaving it, but he can become violent when angered if drinking.  I will not take him back but I need to get him out.  Why I ever let him move in I will never understand, but I know he manipulated me into that as well.  It's almost like when I speak he just does what he wants.  For some reason I have some guilt over where he will go and stay.  His parents live out of state and he was from a different state. Anyone who can help with some advicewould be great.  I have started a fund with any money he gives me so I can give it back to him at the time he will need to leave.  In a perfect world I would like for him to go, but I will have my plan ready if that doesn't happen.  Thank you for taking the time to read.

I can completely relate...good for your for finally moving on. My boyfriend is 56 and its like you were describing him! Also, a lot of fun to be with and loving and caring, however when drinking he becomes abusive (verbally and emotionally). He can turn into a whole different person, capable of being extremely cold and vicious. He said to me last night that now he understands why I've never been married considering I'm attractive...in other words I'm so unlovable with serious flaws...according to him. Just very hurtful. I know that I need to move on as he has gotten progressively worse over the last 4 months. Me too..What is wrong with me? I'm also a professional and successful person in many areas of my life but not when it comes to men. I seem to have the ability to forgive every horrid thing that happens. My therapist keeps repeating that I need to set my boundaries but it doesn't help of sink in or something.

What amazes me is how everyone seems to have had the same (or at least startlingly similar) experiences.

My relationship, of almost a year, with an alcoholic ended last Sunday and by ended I mean he jumped before he was pushed. I'm glad he did it to be honest because he got me to a point where I was isolated from friends and family (family were concerned about his behaviour and obvious changes to my physical and mental state so I began to distance myself from them which is hard as we have always been exceptionally close) that I would forgive him take him back after every 'argument' (by argument I mean a verbal attack from him and crying and utter shock from me) assuming we were destined to be together. We are both academics with an interest in quite intense and obscure philosophical writings and so finding someone who enjoys the same thing as me along with an intense sexual attraction is rare and so I held onto the belief that I would never find something like this again. He was also 18yrs older than me so very well read with lots of experiences and stories to tell. He is also very attractive and great in bed. It still pains me to think I have lost this part of him, but truth be told, that part of him left me months ago and I think I was clinging onto hope that it would return.

Our last big argument was last Wednesday; he had been for drinks with colleagues (only ever a couple so he would not be found out as an alcoholic) and seemed happy and upbeat. He was being affectionate, kissing and cuddling me and happily chatting to me as I prepared supper. The problem started when he bought some wine for us, I enjoy a glass or two with supper, and, while I was pottering around the house he drank half of the bottle. He usually drinks only beer so when he moves to wine and spirits things get bad, quickly. He began questioning me about why we never saw my family anymore (I stopped any interaction between him and them months ago when his behaviour grew more erratic and so I saw them alone) and going into jealous rants about my ex-husband (who I am still very close friends with) but I simply could not respond because, as is the case with alcoholics, the terms of an argument are not straight forward, they often contradict themselves, repeat themselves, grow angry very quickly and ultimately turn it all on you. He said that I judged him for being an alcoholic (I NEVER openly berated him for his drinking as I know what this is like having suffered eating disorders in the past myself) and accused my parents of being alcoholics - they aren't by the way - which was almost amusing coming from the slurring drunk stood in my kitchen. This was the closest I have EVER come to hitting someone, I didn't because this would mean he got what he wanted, me out of control and abusive, like him. The recurring pattern here is how anger, self-hatred and disgust all felt by alcoholics (he was also a depressive with extreme narcissistic tendencies) is projected onto the partner, as if it becomes too much to carry and so needs to pushed onto someone else for a while. This is why, after an outburst, things often calm down, the load they are carrying has been lightened by you and so they feel better and you're the one left struggling. It's hideous. My ex would also tell me, if we went out partying and I got drunk, that I had been aggressive towards him at the end of the night. It's scary to think over things with hindsight...if I could go back and talk to myself in those dark times I would urge me to GET OUT. As I do look back over my relationship it's like discovering your partner has had an affair and then piecing it all together, like finding out the end of the movie and then watching the film again now that you're aware of so much more. An example of this is my birthday last year when he popped home to get changed for a surprise trip he had planned; he lived about a 3 minute walk from my house but was gone for over two hours. Now I am pretty sure that he went to the pub at the end of the road; it would explain why, even after two hours, he was rushing to get dressed and why he insisted we go to the pub for 'a birthday drink' for me before we went anywhere else. He even bought beers to drink on the train and the night ended with me paying for supper and practically carrying him off the train when we got home. It hurts for me to remember how I sat alone, in my flat on my birthday, waiting for him whilst I had friends and family who would have loved to spend the day with me. I know that focussing on the details is irrelevant because the overriding theme here is how his addiction and personality disorder tricked me, lied to me and abused me for so long. It's easier said than done, to forget the details, they happened to me and they were very real for me.

In terms of communication, I have not spoken with him since Sunday. It was via text where he accused me of leading a double life because I don't invite him to see my family (again, it is he: the alcoholic narcissist that leads the double life, he would be destroyed if the academic community found out...I was even forced to lie for him when he was too drunk to attend events). After yet more tears and a realisation that he would NEVER accept responsibility I told him that I was ashamed of myself for ever loving him; he replied to this by telling me that when my text came through and his phone beeped it startled him and he smashed his hand with a hammer as he was trying to put up a shelf. He 'thanked' me for this and called me a 'dip stick'. I know...ridiculous, huh? In the past I would have called him to see if he was ok but I know his tricks now so didn't respond. What I can say is that now that I am trying to get on with things I am feeling much better and brighter. My relationship with my family is much better, they have always supported me and I am lucky having them watch out for me so much and I am getting on with my writing and finishing my degree. I text him today as I am concerned as to whether he is ok or not as he has a history of self harming and so do worry about his welfare. I know he probably doesn't deserve it but he's not a bad person, just very troubled and alone. I can't be with him and feel relieved that I have realised this but this doesn't stop me wanting to let him know that he is not alone. No one should be alone. I will not see him as this usually ends with me being lured back in but he does need to collect his stuff soon.

If you want me to offer some advice from my experience I would suggest reading my post again and all others on this thread...if you can't find a reason to get out of these relationships from what we have to say then I don't know what else to tell you.

Good luck to everyone trying to make a better life for themselves and I mean both us, the partners of addicts, and the addicts themselves.

 

I understand what you are going through. I have been with my boyfriend for only two years. I never saw it coming, didn't even see that he was drinking as much as he was. After a year and falling in love with him, he became to say things to me that would just break your heart. He has said things about my son as well that just tore me up inside. I have stood by his side and have done everything for him or to help him with anything. I feel like I am walking on egg shells every day. I try to keep the piece but don't think that there would every be piece in this house anymore. I have told him that I love him enough to let him go. I can't do this anymore, my hear is broke,I have cried myself to sleep so many times/ I have asked him to move out but it doesn't seem like he will be moving out. help.... don't know how to walk away?