I dated a man for 6 years, at first it was rough. He was drinking, emotionally unavailable and trying to hold it together but it didn't work. He went to play golf one day, and called me blacked out drunk, but had promised to have a few beer and not go over board. It was obvious that he could not manage his drinking, but I was in as much denial as him. I knew he didn't want to give it up, and it meant facing the fact that I would lose him if I made him decide. But, I did it, and he chose to not drink for six months. Then one day he wanted a glass of wine, and with his first sip his eyes lit up like it was liquid gold, and I knew I could never compete.

Five years of me slowly trying to control his drinking, hating his drinking friends, focusing on being outside and doing healthy things, trying to be FUN, FUN, FUN but acutally a stressed out control freak (while he looked eager to please and so normal while I was CRAZY). He went along, and seemed to be enjoying the ride. But I was making all the decisions and taking his drinking as something I HAD to fix. We fought, he denied, he lied, hid drinking, but "managed". Then one night he didn't come home. Then we went away for a month and came back and decided to move out. The month away I went crazy, he wouldn't call at night, he wouldn't follow through, and then I found out through facebook that he was drinking every night.

So he moved, I had found out he had spent 10,000 worth of his savings, and had been drinking and blew a ton of money, so he moved back home (the other side of the country). But instead of accepting it, I talked to him every day and he came back and said he needed to deal with money and drinking and LOVED ME.

So, after a year, nothing had really changed. He didn't drink often, but I had to get really mad to stop him when he started. He started to resent me, saw all the fun drunk people were having and thought I was stopping him from enjoying life. So, I gave up and he started getting really hammered. His best friends were pot heads and alcoholics. He went from admitting to having a problem after a bad night of drinking to not having a problem after a week of no drinking. It was so confusing. I knew he was an alcoholic, but they can be so sneaky when they are managing it and avoiding life and social situations to be "normal"

I asked him to leave, and then it got crazy. He found a hard core party group, and spent the last year doing drugs and partying, driving drunk, showing up at my house drunk, police at my door, in the drunk tank twice, missing work at least once a week. He would come back when he felt like it, and wanted a pity party, or a warm shoulder and I was a total CODEPENDANT. I felt guilty, like he was my responsiblity, and I became a doormat. He blew his credit, lost his car, is in major debt, and got suspended from work three times, and is on the verge of losing his job. I went to alanon, found a counsellor, worked on my codependency, read a ton of self help books, made a large group of supportive friends and started to let go. Contacting him less, blocking calls and texts, blocking emails, seeing him once every three weeks.

When I stopped enabling, i sensed that he had someone else. So after saying he loved and missed me, I found out again on Facebook that he has had a girlfriend for the last four months. I went no contact. 7 weeks

Last night an unknown number called, and I answered. It was him. I was so happy to hear his voice. He told me all the charming alcoholic things I wanted to hear. This girl means nothing, even though he is heading to Ottawa with her for the week. He is just "using her not to feel", he has an appt with a counsellor, he misses me and my family, he loves me. He is tired of drinking and feeling like sh*t and not having money or doing anything with his life and time. His Aunt is sick, and he hasn't talked to his family. Blah, blah, blah.

I did not try to fix, I listened. I didn't offer advice, or excessive sympathy. Then he said he wanted to have sex with me, and has already cheated on his girlfriend. It's a mess, and I want to let go. This disease takes the best of people and destroys it. Plus, this girl has no idea. But I do, so she can stay and I will walk away.

Any advice on how to move forward. If I do talk to him, what should or should not be said?

Right now, I am taking care of me and paying attention to how he makes me feel. Why do alcoholics keep coming back and can't be alone. He has a new girlfriend, why is he is still trying to say he loves and wants to be physical with me? She is a fixer, and ten years younger, energetic, lover of life...she is naive and thinks she can fix it. It doesn't make any sense that he still needs to contact me and try to "prove" he can change.

Thanks for listening.