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I think my boyfriend is becoming an alcoholic. We just bought a house together and I have been finding empty bottles in dufflebags. He quit his job and has not worked for almost 2 months. He doesn't get drunk everyday but he does sit home all day and drink. He sometimes gets up in the middle of the night to have a few as well. I have asked him to stop and he says that he will do whatever it takes but then he doesn't. I don't know what to do... Please help

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I had this problem too hun. I didnt know my ex was alcoholic until i had been with him for about a year. He hid it very well and still held down a job. I eventually found outy he had been alcohol dependant for over 10 years. I stayed with my partner for 7 years - on and off - and even had a child to him 5 years ago. He would aways say he would stop drinking and that h didnt have a problem, even though when he was drunk he was physically and verbally abusive. I used to find empty vodka bottles hidden under the towels in the bathroom cupboard and under the mattress in the bedroom. He would come home late from work cus he'd been to pub on way back and has recently admitted to me that even on the days where he swore to me he hadnt had a drink that he would neck a quarter bottle of vodka on his way home from work. He was always finding a way to cause stupid petty arguments so that he would have an excuse to go ut and get a drink and then would make me feel guilty saying i pushed him into it. It got to the point where i never ever drunk so that tehre was always someone responsible around to look after him. He was always having "accidents" falling through glass doors and windows etc and falling outside and hitting his head on concrete, i cant count the amount of times i had to take him to hospital!! When our son was 2 years old i threw him out after he had been particularly violent to me. He moved into a flat further along my road. I banned him from seeing our son and i moved house so he didnt know where i lived. I stayed in touch with him on and off by phone and still occaisionally went down to his flat. This New Year on the 28th December 2007 he admitted himself into hospital and did a 2 week detox. I found out off his older kids that he was doing this and went to the hospital to see him. It was really hard on me emotionally to see him that fragile and weak and so desperate for my company and support. But i had always said that no matter what happened between us i would support him thru a detox if he ever bothered. I was so happy for him when he came out of hospital and i also had to deal with a strange mixture of sadness and happiness within me. Sadness for what we could have had if he had done it all those years ago. Happiness that i had finally been given the chance to see what he was like sober. I began to wonder if we could finally have a real relationship and i spoke to him about this and the fact that he wished to have access to our son. I said i wanted to take thinghs extremely slowly and felt he needed time to adjust to the "new him". I said if he could stay sober for 1 year that i would grant him weekly access and that i would see if a relationship between us would work. I let him know where i was living but still refused to let him see his son unless he could prove himself. It has now just got to 3 months since he went into detox and he has already had 2 occaisions where he has had a drink. Once to "see if i can just have one and stop" in his words, the other was after and argument with his mum and he managed to stop after a couple of cans of strong brew. He has had a few conversations though where he has mentioned that he is planning to drink while he is on holiday in August and that he believes he can handle this. I totally disagree and after yet another episode where we had disagreed over this i have now cut off all contact and am yet again in the process of moving hosue so that he will not know where i live. I have told him i prefer for our son to grow up without a father than to be constantly let down by him and i am still in contact weekly with his older children (aged 14 and 12) who have told me that they have also cut off all contact with him again as they do not trust him either.

If you want to stick by this man it will be a very long road ahead and is likely to take years before he will admit he has a problem and see a GP and he will only get help once he honestly admits how much he is drinking.

For now take care of all the financial responsibilities. DO NOT trust him to pay any bills, trust me you do not want to be left in debt because you believed he had paid them.

Also seek advice from a solicitor as to what would happen re: your house if you decided to leave this man since i presume he is not contributing his fair share to the mortgage and bills if he is not working.

Good luck and if you want to chat post back.
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I would like to comment on the boyfriend and husband who are alcoholics. I am too a woman who lives with an abusive alcoholic. He verbal, emotional, and physically abuses me as well. This man has had this problem for over 15 years or more. He steadily blames others for his drinking, ( it's his excuse for being drunk like always ). He intensionally picks fights so that he can drink to calm his nerves. He has a son whom is 24 and is just like him, they do not communicate because when they get together, they argue and fight because they are the same person in reality. It sickens me to go home every day after work, I am getting to where it's hard for me to even wake up to go to work, due to the fact that he stays up all nite to get that buzz. I am 44 years old. I have been married before and my ex did not drink. This is new for me but after the last 9 years of a broken person, it's getting old. I refuse to let him break me, spiritually, emotionally, verbal, or physically anymore. I am getting out of this wrecked commitment with an alcoholic. I have no one to blame for my mysery but myself for putting up with it for as long as I have. It really isnt the way to live. My life is short enuff, but living longer with the torment can be fatal. They do not recover, the recovery rate is less than 3% of every 6,000. I look at it like if the man is 50 years old, and he has been doing it for longer that 15 years , I can pretty much bet on it, he will not stop. If he did, I am for sure he would die, I think that the drinking keeps him going. It will not surprise me if he has liver damage. I can't feel good staying, so the only way to live life is to get out. There are so many people who cant relate to this, but I can because I'm living proof. Good luck girls, I wish the best for you both. I am getting out of this relationship. Trust me , he will be fine and he won't have to hide drinking when he is alone, good luck to the unfortunate person who stumbles on to this person. As of today I am free.
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I was in a relationship with an alcoholic(he is 31divorced & has a child) he didnt get violent but because i have a few alcoholics in my family it always ended up in an argument.The more i would tell him that he has a problem the more he would deny it.He was on hardcore drugs a few years ago before i met him and he has left all the hardcore drugs but seems to have replaced it with alcohol and takes alot of pills(pain pills,anti depressants anything really).He has to drink almost every night and if there is alcohol in the house he has to finish it, he cant drink part of it. He is generally a nice guy but tends to over react at times and send the most awful messages. He is also a reckless driver which scares me especially because of his drinking.AM I OVERREACTING? :-)
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My boyfriend of 3 years has a drinking problem. He can go some without drinking during the week beacuse of work, then get plastered on the weekends. Then some weeks he will drink 5 days a week. He said he knows he has a problem and can not even just have one drink without drinking more but at the same time hes says he can try to change but he will prolly always be this way. He wont go to rehab or anything so I dont know how to help. Hes not an abusive or mean drunk at all but I still dont want to be around it. I told him if it doesnt change eventually I will leave, which I think he knows will prolly happen. But I love him and dont want to be without him. I am so hurt tho that he would chose drinking over me but Ive never had an adicction to be able to relate to him. He is only 22 but how do I know in 5 years he will mature and change? How do I try to save ,y relationship and help him?
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Wow! I am in the same exact situation. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. He has a serious drinking problem. About a year and a half ago, he admitted he had a problem but he didn't want treatment. He believed he could stop on his own. THis worked for a few months on and off. Now, he's back at it again. And I've had it. He's not absusive at all, but I just hate to see him like that. He will find any excuse to drink. And he drinks by himself more than with other people. He's 26 and is always talking about marriage but I don't think this if going to get any better. It's so hard to imagine not spending my future with him though.
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I just left my alcoholic boyfriend of a year and a half. We still have a house together which he is living in with our dog and some of the house plants I left behind. When we got together he stopped drinking...it was hard even though we were very attracted to eachother in a lot of ways and had a lot in common spiritually and otherwise. I always felt like he was a bit pushy and controlling, didn't like my friends or family...i felt isolated...and felt i was in a bad relationship. i felt like i could never really relax around him because i never knew when he might flip out on me. So what i'm trying to say is that we had problems from the very beginning, but they got so much worse when he started drinking again in september/october. Since then his drinking habit/ angry outbursts have gotten worse and worse. He has punched walls and broken glasses and 1 window..he never hit me but he did threaten me a time or two. Twice he said he would punch me in the face but he didn't. he did threaten me...told me if i left he would kill himself. Told me he would burn the house down, told me he would kill my family. Everytime he freaks out he calls me a b***h a w****, a liar, he calls me stupid. The last fight we had he was giving me a really hard time because i left town to visit my aunt who just recently had a baby and when i came back i didn't do anything around the house for four whole days. He was angry he didn't have clean clothes, there was no food in the house, we were out of toilet paper...etc. I understood he needed help and he didn't feel like i was contributing but i also felt like it wasn't my responsibility to do all of that...he knows how to use a washer for goodness sake. I wanted to make him happy, i wanted him to stop yelling at me and saying hurtful things, i wanted him to love me again. i tried to please him, i started his laundry and cleaned the house, i went to the grocery store and bought him all of his favorite foods, i bought a drying rack so he could hang his clothes since we don't have a dryer. When i came home he was still mad at me...i made him some dinner but he wouldn't eat it. i had a hard time falling asleep next to him because if i bumped him or moved a littled he would yell at me. he was extremly irritable and hard to please...i thought it would blow over in the morning when he got up for work like it usually does...but it didn't. He woke up screaming at me...i felt sick to my stomach i thought i might throw up. i couldn't do it anymore and i walked out the door, got in my car and drove around for an hour ( i had nowhere to go because it was only 4 in the morning and he didn't have to be at work until 5) when i got home and he was gone i packed all of my most important things in the car including the dog and i left. That was two weeks ago. i have been staying with a friend...her and her family have been so supporitive and careing!
Anyway, when i left i told him i was leaving...that i was done that our relationship was over...we spent the last two weeks screaming at eachother on the phone and somehow shareing custody of our dog...he leaves i pick her up, he leaves i drop her off. the other day though, he was there and we saw eachother for the first time. i was so sure i never wanted to see him again but now i am missing him. .... i know i never want to live with him again though. This is my problem...the house is in my name, everything is in my name, i want him to move out and i want to move back in and get a roomate but i know he is going to give me a really hard time. He says even though he's not on the lease he needs an eviction notice,...should i just give my 3o days and completly move out and find a new place or should i try and make him leave and move back in? It all just seems so hard. I went to my first Alanon meeting a few hours ago...it felt good. i still don't know what to do about the house though. I never want to be in such a vulnerable position again...and have no peace for myself but i also feel responsilble for him...like if i kick him out of the house he wont be okay and he'll just be on the streets again...i feel guilty for leaving him even though i know it was right thing to do....God help me. I need to make some decisions and stick with them. i just hope everything falls into place somehow.
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I just want to thank all of you ladies for your input. It all has helped me tremendously. I was beginning to think I was the only one with this dilemma as I am only 22 years old having this problem; it is very good to know that I am not alone. I have been with my boyfriend for almost seven years. I love him very dearly and we have been through a lot. I am a recent college grad, and my senior year of college my boyfriend and I took a much needed break for a year. During this time I began seeing a serious change in him. He started partying more, drinking heavily, dressing different etc. The way he spoke to me even changed. I began to realize that he was no longer the man I fell in love with. During this time, I was in no position to address these issues because we were not technically together.

When I returned from college the summer of 2009. We both thought that the break had done us well and decided to give things another try. In the beginning things were great. But then two weeks after I had returned, he stood me up to go to the bar with his friends with my purse in his car and cell phone. I was literally stranded at 2:00am in a shady neighborhood. What hurt me the most is I never knew he was capable of this. I finally had the building superintendent let me in my apartment at 3am. He waltzed in at 7am and started cursing me out. Demeaning me, telling me I was used goods, how he hated me, wished he never got back with me me...etc. I was crying hysterically because in the entire seven years of our relationship he had never spoken to me this way. He wind up falling asleep on the couch and I locked myself in the bedroom. In the morning he had remembered NOTHING. He was in utter disbelieve when I recounted his behavior. He apologized profusely and said it would never happen again. From that day forward up until last night, to be exact my relationship has consisted of lots of loving moments but more heartache. Since that day my boyfriend has gotten over $1,000 worth of open bottle tickets, one arrests, over ten bar fights as a result of being drunk, disappeared for days, he has lost four cellphones, he has spent his entire paycheck less than 12 hours after getting paid over thirty times, has gotten reprimanded at work twice for being intoxicated on the job and has disrespected me on countless occassions...(the list goes on).

I find myself very depressed. I don't go out because if I go out that gives him an excuse to go out. And every time he does there's a problem. He always gets so drunk either he needs me to come get him to take him home, or he gets arrested, or there's an altercation and he is in trouble, each time I find myself leaving where I am to come to his aid. My friends don't even protest anymore they know the routine-girls night out...I will probably have to leave early to go rescue my drunk boyfriend. I guess I stay in the house to avoid these things.

His drinking has really affected my life. I never got a chance to enjoy post-grad life because I am baby sitting a grown man. I can't say I have reached my breaking point as yet but I do now I almost there. I am tired. I cry every night because I don't want to do this anymore. I love him and I know he loves me. Most of all he needs me, and I know if I leave it may aggravate his drinking. And my worst fear is something will happen to him while he's drunk and I won't be there to help him. I really want to leave but I just can't. If I was an addict I would want someone to love me through it; if that is even possible...
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I'm going through it too... it is a difficult process. I am exhausted, walking on eggshells...jaded and negative where i used to be upbeat and positive. I have left a number of times and this is the last. I love this man... he is unique, clever, funny, intelligent, and doting when he wants to be. However, when he doesn't want to be it is the worst thing that had ever hit you. Mean obsessive drunken violence mixed with harsh words that jab at your deepest insecurities. I have to thank him, at the very least, for making me more wary of the world around me (erred toward naivete previously). Basically... should have seen the red flags when they were staring me in the face, but somehow chose to glaze my eyes over and stare in admiration instead. big mistake. 4 years later i am faced with more hang ups, closed off emotions, twisted thought patterns, and paranoid delusions than one could ever hope for.

the end of this journey is bittersweet and solemnly satisfying. the pining is still present, the void is painful... i know my journey through the release of the bull**it that proceeded is going to be more difficult than i had previously thought, but in the end the strength that i pull from this experience will live with me until i die. so through my vacillations of wariness and worry i feel a slight twinge of pleasure to be free once again.
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Thankyou for your moving words.I am at the crux where I'm trying to decide on the pros and cons of being with someone similar-great potential and wonderful when sober,something terribly incomprehensible to mwhen hes drunk.I have been wondering what the future holds,wheter its always going to be like this or not.You have helped me understand in the most honest way possible,thanks.
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I have been dating a man for a few months and everything use to go smoothly until he started distancing himself away from me. We would drink together, I didn't think it was a problem. I didn't really notice how much he drank until we shared a bottle of wine, myself only having one glass and he wanted to buy another bottle. I just thought that was a little too much. Then he started asking to spend more time apart from me, and that bothered me. However, one weekend we had plans to see the family for the whole day, he cancelled those plans and wanted to be by himself for the rest of the day. Fine, but then he cancelled our plans the next day because of a hangover. Thats when it really pissed me off. I brought him food and ginger ale to nurse his hangover, and we had a talk later than evening. He said he would give up drinking and go to a meeting. He threw out all of the alcohol in his place and I believed him. Next weekend, he had a party with some buddies and the drinking began again, he was rude to me over the phone which is not his personality at all. So I gave him a few days to himself and then when I saw him he went from breaking up with me to asking for space, to saying he wanted to spend the night the next day with me. An extreme of highs and lows for mood swings. A good friend recommended reading this book called, "CoDependent No more by Melanie Brittle?". It has helped in me in a sense of not blaming myself for whats is going on and given me coping mechanisms to protect my feelings. My boyfriend has a serious drinking problem and I pray to God that he gets help and thats all I can really do. I have put some distance between us and I am trying not to be an enabler. We are in love and I just don't know what will happen. I don't know if I should tell one his family members or not.
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I recently broke up with an alcoholic who I had loved and cared for for 3 years. During the relationship he never bought food, said beer was his medicine. I paid for all the food. It got to the point where he was controlling me, controlling our sex life. That would only happen when he was in the mood. He told me never come near him and try to start something because it wouldn't happen. For months at a time I would go to bed with this guy and lay clear over on the other side crying because he wasn't interested in me. I took him to a really nice place for his birthday and in the middle of making love he just got up and walked out onto the balcony. I felt like chopped liver. When I asked him about it he said, but I told you I was getting up. No, he did not. He would criticize all my friends and me. He once told me that he was used to dating women who looked like models and I just wasn't one, but he thought he'd try a different type since he had no luck with the other model types. He had been married three times (should have been some sort of warning, huh). But I loved him and I wanted to help him. He has serious health issues and continues to drink every single day of his life. He eats once a day and it's not healthy eating that he does. He would tell me he loved me, but his actions showed me something completely different. His mood swings were unbearable. He was never physically abusive, but the emotional abuse really wore me down and my self esteem. He went as far as to tell me that I was overweight and it bothered him. I weighed less than him and he was 178 pounds. I had spent one night cooking turkey, brisket, made potato salad to take to his place. His son and a friend were coming in. I was up until 1:30 in the morning cooking. I got up and loaded my car up with everything. I got out to his place and we were going boating. I had gotten out of the boat and when I went to get back in he said, "Well now the water level will go back up because she's getting back in the boat." He said it two more times after that. He was starting to embarass me in front of people. This guy has no friends and I completely understand why. I finally got up the courage to leave. It's been two weeks, I have been in pain and miss him, but when I think about it I am so much better off. He's selfish, self-centered and cares about no one, not even himself. He will never change and has a very hard, painful road ahead of him with the health issues he has. I, on the otherhand, now have a chance at a much better life. Alcoholics can be horrible, they lie, do not care what they say or do to anyone. IF you find yourself in this situation, run, don't walk!!! You will regret it if you don't.
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i have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, and we have 1 child together, he has always drank since iv known him, but it started of just having a few at weekends, but then about 2 years ago, he started drinking everyday, and has admitted he has 2 drink 2 feel drunk, but wont admit he has a problem, he will drink anything from 2 bottles of wine a night, to about 12 cans of beer a night

All he does is insult me whether hes sober or not, and swears at me constantly and says its his life, he should be able to do what he wants, but i cant even trust him 2 look after our child, coz hes in no fit state 2 do so, he also lies about stuff aswell

he never goes out anywhere, either with me or with friends - (i honestly think he hasnt got any friends anymore)

all he does is sit and play computer games all the time, whenever hes not at work, he is 28, surely he should of grown up a bit by now?

it has gopt to the point where i cant go out and see my firneds or anything, coz i cant trust him 2 look after her, shes only 1, so obviously needs looking after

i have told him that if he doesnt change, then i will leave, n he will never see us again, but he just laughs and thinks im joking, he then changes his attitude (but still drinks) for 1 week, then goes back 2 normal

its stressing me out, what should i do? some 1 please help?
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my boyfrend gos to the bar almost dayley as long as he has a cople $$ on him it seems like he rather be
at the bar insted of home with me and our two kids i tell him it feels like your pulingaway or you dont
love me he says i love you more then you think i cant do it with out you other then that drank says its
over when its over or i dont gev a sh*t ext.its hard to dill he could be such a ass some times
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I know how you all feel... I have been with my boyfriend going on 8 yrs. In june.... I am 22 now... At the age of 15 I got with him... Lost my mom at 17 then my dad this last yr... I love this man... He is my best friend... I am fighting his disease with alcohol... He will go a month or longer before drinking .. Then when he falls off & takes that first drink its bad.. He will go for days sometimes a week of drinking.. From all the posts I read they all are similar as far as how this disease affects behavior... Irritable... Uneasy... Verbally abusive... Etc... He is getting help now after he jumped out of a two story window last weekend fighting so he could go & drink... It was either that or him running downstairs to get the keys to the car.. Bottom line is he is destructive.. The main thing that helps is if he gets enough rest... My sister age 21 lost her boyfriend to an addictive personality to alcohol & more... He hung himself at BHC in Jan. BHC is a rehab facility.. 22yrs old & gone now.. My sis cry's every night... He said he didn't want to be a burden to anyone anymore... My boyfriend now has been depressed since the last episode of him drinking & has mentioned the same.. I am not sure if I can take on another death... My sister gets her bachelors majoring in psych this spring... She is helping me through this for she has went through it.. Her advice is if you want to stick it out & you love this person with this disease then you have to give them support... Not babying support as far as enabling them... However tough love support... Get help.... Either way the alcoholic has to admit they have a problem & they have to want help... Never tell an addict they can't.. If they are down & out in a negative mindset they can be very destructive.. Just give an addict hope.. Once the addict loses hope it's not so good... I was advised that if my boyfriend was seeking medical attention then I needed to as well.. The reason is because I need to know how to deal with this disease in many ways.. Main reasons is for my own well being & how to not enable him, but help with dealing & handling him to prevent... They say an alcoholic recovering is always recovering... I have heard of success stories... I don't want this disease to win & take the love of my life.. He has been there for me when he was strong in my loss with my parents & more... This disease is a nightmare .. I do have faith with the right treatment for each individual... My heart goes out to all of you... I wish you all the best & most of all peace with whatever happens...
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