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I guess for us to believe there is hope to leave a abusive relationship.We need to have some coping tools.Its easy to say you want to leave,however you most likely will return to the abuse if you yourself have not got help.I know for me I keep going back to the abuser because I feel there is nothing better.I'm older so in my head I think no one else will want me.I have told this guy "Oh I'm leaving you for good". I always get lonely and depressed so I end up calling him after a week.This goes on and on.Meanwhile I keep wasting my time hoping he will change.I sink deeper and deeper into depression.I don't even talk about him to my friends cause they have grown quite tired of hearing about it. After reading the above posts I see how much time other people have wasted going back over and over.Does anyone have some good coping tools?I know about the 12 step meetings. I thank you for reading this post

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I would suggest for you to find some Al-Anon, as you say you already know about. Are you dragging your feet? I promise it is nothing like you've imagined. And it will provide you a support system so you have someone else to call when you're in HALT mode (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired).

Also in Al-Anon, you will hopefully learn to understand more clearly that he is a very sick man. You are seeing you are obviously warped in the mind a bit now too. Unfortunately, some of us are sicker than others-- like your ex. AND he is both mentally AND physically ill himself. He is trying to make you feel like he does on the inside. And I don't know how long you were together. Was he always like this? Do you have good memories of a time when the alcohol or violence weren't involved? The group will give you the tools to make a HEALTHY, informed decision if it is worth it to stay and hang out a bit longer and hope for change. If it hasn't been that long and you're predisposed to relationships like these, then they will help you figure out why and help you change the pattern. Once you understand this, you may realize you've made a mistake and be given tools on how to move onto such an amazingly happy, joyous and free life. (DISCLAIMER: Life still happens and sucks sometimes... but you'll learn to deal with that and cope so much more quickly)

That being said, I will "tell" you to leave if the alcoholic is not making any effort. THEN GET OUT. They must attempt the footwork, even as small the steps may be. Bottom Line is YOU need to be healthy and happy to ever begin to think you can help others find theirs!

Hopefully when I used the word warped I didn't turn you completely off. But, you admit it's crazy you'd allow this for yourself right? I am a recovered alcoholic and understand your addiction- and obviously his. You are as emotionally sick as he is. Think of it this way: He is to you, as alcohol is to him. Just as you are sick of his abuse and drinking; your friends are sick of having to live your addiction with him. And the stone cold truth is, you don't love yourself. If you did, you wouldn't accept his behavior. Just as if HE loved HIMSELF he wouldn't be numbing himself and beating on someone (especially a "loved one").

I promise you this is not a neo-feminist statement... but you should never rely on a man for your happiness. Nor should a man a woman, mother-daughter, father-son, best friends etc.... You should never rely on anyone for it... just as I shouldn't have relied of the bottle for my happiness. Because the truth is, if it is not a genuine happiness, if it's not generating from inside yourSELF, you will still be doing your loved ones a disservice by not being 100% the best you you can be. When you're generating that out then you at least FEEL like you could just save the world!

And most important for you to understand: EVERYONE has a problem, EVERYONE has issues, they just come in all shapes and sizes to all different shapes and sizes of people. You're NOT alone! But you have to CHOOSE to not be! I know I don't know you, but I think you deserve the just be so much freer!

 

 

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I think many people overlook genetics as a key in addiction. There are some people who, genetically, are more susceptible to becoming addicted than others. I have many family members who easily became addicted to different things and I think genetics had something to do with it. It's not the only reason but I think it did push the addiction along.Do you think you might need help with alcohol or drugs, we are pet friendly drug rehab.

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