Breaking up with alcoholic boyfriend... abusive...needing support

Everything I am reading, I am going through right now. My fiancee is an alcoholic and he finally admitted to me this past Sunday. When we met I just wanted to be friends and he persude me, sucked me in with his charm and being very loving. Almost a year later he is cold tells me he loves me but I don't see it anymore. He is def emotionally abusing me, trying to control me. All I do is cry and want the man I fell in love with. But I don't think I will ever get him back, yet he doesn't fully let me go. I am putting myself in therapy to cope, I never had to deal with anything like this, but before I lose my mind I need to get out. All the information I have been reading about hits every point with him. Talking to him is like talking to a wall. I am so very sad and deeply hurt!!

Having gone through the EXACT same stories, with various alcoholics, I finally succumbed. I think the worst thing most of us co-dependents think, is "IT"S ALL ABOUT THEM" If co-dependency was as simple to recognize as an obvious abusive alcoholic, then you'd find many people in your face daily, waving their fingers in your face, screaming "YOU'RE A BLOODY RAGING CO-DEPENDENT, GET HELP!" And I'm sorry to say, that would be a difficult thing for us to hear. So, through all the years of pointing the finger at our ALCOHOLICS and affirming ourselves of our flimsy self worth we walked in with. YES, it's time to stop looking into their eyes and into our own. Spending more years with your own healing and development is time well spent. It's the road less taken but the road to happiness and freedom. You must read these stories and realize that they repeat text book style, because they have a fixed code. That code is written into many books, many lives and if you want to master your life, you must break the code. It's your life, it's all in YOUR hands. If you complain about frustration in love, than realize it is not love, it is a symptom. When you accept abuse you will find it everywhere, not just in your closest relationships. When you are tired, stressed, feeling angry, remember it is because you wanted someone else to change. This is so cliche. This has been happening for centuries. This is not about THEM, it's about YOU. The terrible thing about co-dependency is that just like the first 3 or 4 months of an "alcoholic set up" you can disguise your co-dependency for years, the alcoholic in your life can't even put their finger on you, they just know, you'll do your best to save them from everything. So if you want them to change, forget it. You must change. It's not easy, but either was their rehab. They're trying to do their work and you do their work with them. That's not life, that's not even nice. That's the silent revenge inside you saying "After all I've done for you" BE VERY CAREFUL of your intentions. I used to feel sorry for myself, having no power in a relationship, that was moot, I had most of the power and I used it to my advantage. If anything I will give credit to the drunk, because at least they come out and show they feel like a failure, admit to their infractions, abuse themselves openly. It's so easy to pin them down. But a co-dependent exists in a silent cage of self recrimination much like the self loathing of the alcoholic. Thing is, being sober gives us power, gives us the right to make things right. And that is the lock, the bolt, that keeps us with them. If anything they are US on display for all to see. Two wrongs do not make a right. Once you get yourself right you will not stay. Once they get sober they will not stay. If both want to remain as they are, it can be done, the price is high but sometimes that's mutual. My Aunt and Uncle lived this life and both had a strange respect for their discomfort. She babied him to his grave and then she got dementia and passed away. She was a sweet hero, he was a happy drunk who worshiped her. So, in the end, it's a choice. But I would suggest you find a happy drunk if you wish to be a savior. I for one want to be a self aware human. You need to make a choice and accept it. Work with it or leave and work on yourself. Remind yourself Co-depenent is NOT Co-Independent. Find a way or stay. LIFE is a choice, YOUR CHOICE.

thanks....i may go to rehab...rehab for abusefrom the alcoholic in my life...im drowning alone and he doesnt care what i go through because if his intense selfishness

Call Al-non a group made just for you. Yep, it'll help huge. Do not get into arguments with your Significant Other about this. Let him know you are doing this for yourself. If he becomes aggressive, abusive, seek help from family or authorities.
Also remember, this is for YOU. Do not worry or even think about his "intense selfishness" that is in his body not yours
Only for the next while, think of things as "the stuff in MY body" It may be in your head and heart and emotions.
But to get it into a real physical sense, think of it as one package deal "In MY body" Anything outside of your body is NOT YOU. So don't think about it. Just like your don't look at a tree and wonder if it's loving you or cares for you
It may sound crazy silly, but it does serve the sole purpose of you ONLY thinking about YOU. It's not selfish, do not feel guilty for taking care of YOU. This is all about YOU. In the Tao it is written to only have dealing with the person who only considers themselves first. That is because a person who is taking care of themselves FIRST and their own business FIRST is healthy and a good choice to have dealings of any sort with.
So, there you go, a great big step for YOU !!! Everyone should be loving themselves, I find it so often hard to love myself and am still learning the process. It is not easy because it means you have to be careful with everything.
It turns into self discipline and it's definitely worth it. It's a steep hill, but ahhh man the view up here, worth every tiny step. Good Luck, you're gonna make it Never stop saying that
and also say this "THERE IS NO TIME FOR A BAD THOUGHT" That's my new mantra. COURAGE

I can relate to this so much. Mine was a 13 yr relationship. Unfortunately we live on the same street. He did quit for 13 months because I broke up with him. He fell off the wagon for 3 days. I was shocked as I really thought he had it kicked. He quite again for 3 months and a few days ago he stood me up for a very important engagement because he was at the bar....went for one but of course that led to many, many more. I told him he has chose to drink and because of that I had to end it. He told me I was being stupid. The next day I saw him and he said he was going to continue 2-3 a day because his back and neck hurt and that was the only medicine..... I found out later he went right back to the bar. The bar he goes to is a small little bar with not too many people in it. He stands at the bar, staring at the television there for hours. He says all the other guys in there are "losing it".....everyone is wrong except him....I am always wrong. I am hurt, disappointed, mad at myself for wasting 13 years..don't know where to turn or how to forget him.. I do not call him although I will have to some day as he had some very important things of mine at his house. Also he has keys to mine but never gave his to me as he is so afraid someone is going to take something of his...trust me he lives like a horter and no one would want anything of his. I am going through a hard time and am very lonely but I know this has to be this way.

i am so sorry u r going throigh this....i have been making posts on here for years....i am in a loveless deflective relationship with an alcoholic who i let take all my happiness...i gain strength in group meetings but only for brief periods. i wish i could call me because it helps to nit feel so alone. one thing oit of many many many pieces of advice i held on to is be your best friend. dont get down on yourself...he will always make u feel like shitbecause he does but if u let him you are not beibg a friend to yourself...you are not alone.. i will pray for u. rebecca

I too see a pattern in all of us who have posted on this topic and I completely relate. It is most difficult to END a relationship with someone you love. I've been in a long 3 year relationship with an alcoholic who has been in detox four times and went right back to drinking within a week each time. It is a selfish disease. Unfortunately, I grew up in an alcoholic home and fully accustomed to verbal and emotional abuse. There's no doubt, I am a full blown co-dependent. And, yes; I am afraid of losing the chaotic life; however, I clinical depressed and know I must end this relationship and begin the process of taking care of me. We do not live together, but we did for one year. I paid all the bills and since he lost his driver's license, I drove us everywhere. He says he loves me and that I'm his entire world; but, as soon as he gets a little money in his pocket, he choses to get drunk and disappear. He chose alcohol over me. I am not uneducated and have an engineering degree but I've extremely low self-esteem. I have given this relationship many chances but my hopes are gone. I do not want to hurt him, but I must end the relationship...

I cant say enough to all who have posted over the last months.  I can here to see what others have done, felt, and went thru...I guess the alcoholic person is the same liars and thieves, lie about the drink and thieves that steal others hearts and feelings and more.  I can relate to each and everyone one of you.  I am a mother of teenagers, I am a nurse, I am a caring person and look for the good in others.  I looked to the good side of my alcoholic, the one who when not drinking is a wonderful helpful, caring, sincere person.  Something triggers him and when the going gets tough in the house, bills, chores, no money, things for the kids, he goes and self medications to rid of the feelings and responsibilities of life.  So many times of drinking and moving out, to say he will go to rehab and not drink, move in, do ok for a time, then drink, be an ass, i kick him out...on and on and on.  What a roller coaster ride with all the ups and downs and spins with the abrupt stop at the end. So many times over the last 7 years.  This last time we had been going to church, it had been good or so I thought, working on bills, saving and budeting money. Then, took money and only had 2 beers, common answer, it only is ever 2, and i threw his money at him and told him he scares me and the kids, the attitude not sure what to expect. He said he didnt care, i said neither do i move on, he went out dinking all weekend.  I called church on monday, they helped me, they got a support team and contacted him, they have moved him into a house for weekly rent, they have gone to christian revovery with him, they call him multiple times a day, they do things with him.  They are praying for him.  I am home.  I go to work, I pray.  I am going to bible study.  I am working on me.   But I look back and its hard, because now i see the side of him that I love.  Yet again the roller coaster of emotion.  

 

I am going through almost identical experience as you. My boyfriend was a beautiful loving person from waking to about 5pm when the drinking started. That's when the verbal, mental and emotional abuse started. Nights where a nightmare for me.I started only seeing him in the day time. As soon as the odd night time get together came about it was back to the abuse.I realised this was never going to change. I love him but for the sake of my children, my job and my sanity I got out. Some days I think I will never be the same. Its hard but there is no light at the end of the tunnel with a full blown alcoholic. They don't care who they hurt, its what they do. So sad.

I obviously needed answers to the roller coaster in my life. This all sounds so familiar the amazing loving man and the other part of him that turns into a monster with a combination of pills and alcohol. 2 DUI's the last year and we have only dated for 2... Last DUI he decided to go to rehab. I was very cautious to get involved again as I am a professional and mother. I would have never imagined I could be caught up in all the drama. I know my personality of always trying to be loving and supportive kept me here way to long. I knew the behaviors were there again anger over little things and constantly picking me apart. Constant push/ pull with him- depending on his drinking or not. My friends think I have lost my mind staying all along assuring them I was fine and I understood him and things would either work out or not, yet I would be fine.

I found him at a bar and went to his home to return things and finally break up. I found him passed out in his car. It was as if my tough hold it together self crumbled with anger and disgust. I contacted his family to let them know I was washing my hands of this, yet feel guilt for shedding some light on the situation. I cannot seem to stop retracing these two years the patterns, behaviors and uncovering lies. How is this possible I am sitting here tonight pouring over websites with how to deal with my broken hurt, anger, and even guilt. As I write I just got a text from a friend of his that he is drinking uncontrollably tonight... Thank you for being candid with your emotions helps me realize I did the right thing I just should have done it sooner.

Every alcoholic needs at least one codependent. Go to Al anon meetings. Go to open AA meetings. Read Melanie
Beatty books on "Co-Dependent No More". You are fortunate that you woke up and took steps to save yourself. Here is a quote from AA Meetings - "An Alcoholic never lets anything go without leaving claw marks"
The truth of the matter is that breaking up with an Alcoholic is heart wrenching and heart breaking...keep on healing yourself and remember to Let Go and Let God when it comes to helping an alcoholic.

Wow! I can totally relate to this. I am seeing the love of my life who is also 49 and a full blown alcoholic. He starts with beer, then champagne, and finally vodka. This is a nightly routine. There are some things that I find charming about him when he is drunk, but recently I have found it more and more unattractive. I am also a very successful person. I am smart, attractive, and kind. I don't know why I stay with him. He is an emotional roller coaster ride. He wants me...then he doesn't, he loves me, and then wants to break up. It is abuse at its finest. I am at the point of letting go now. I just want you to know that you are not alone in this process. Good luck.

Wow. That was an awesome response... thank you for the strength. I am just getting out of one of these fantastic relationships myself, and could have said each and every word myself!

I am going to tape this to my mirror and when i want to go back to him, I will read it again and again. EVERYTHING you have said could have been written by me. Thank you so much. I am so glad to know that i am not alone. This is the hardest thing ever. His sweet side is unbelievable. He is big hearted and kind and generous and funny and so many other things. But when he has been drinking he berates me, he's cruel. He accuses me of doing all the things he is doing. He calls me an as****e when I am nothing but kind. I used to defend myself and fight back a little but i have realized it is futile to try to get through to a drunk. He tells me I am mean and calls me a piece of s*it and countless other things. He says he can't help it and that it is the alcohol and he's not responsible. I can't do this anymore but i love him. If I stay I am actually CHOOSING to hurt myself because it's not going to change--in fact every day it seems to get worse and his rage is off the hook. He blames me for "making" him be mean to me. He says I should apologize for his being horrible to me. Then comes the remorse the next day. I thought that this was something we could work on but it happens again the nest day. I can't allow him to rob me of myself.

ive been on this site struggeling for years...i have isolated myself and this winter i wanted to kill myself...the alcoholic in (or not in) my life has broken me down so much....im driving to colorado in a few days just to leave the town were grrw to know eachother in...he is a selfish monster and now i hate myself.for letting him.destroy my self worth...please pray for me