Except he's never told me that he sees me only as a friend.
Though i know from guys, that they tend to say the opposite of what they mean when they are anxious.
So I guess the real question you need to ask here is "Do you really love him enough to wait for him?"
I know we don't want to wait for what is unsure or uncertain. But if we are not willing to try, at least for a long while... then we should ask some serious questions about our motives, and goals. Because if he's really the one, give him some space to figure out that you are the one. I mean... if he doesn't talk to you in a few months... you can send a text asking how he is, and allow him to pursue you from there. But don't pursue him, or try to make him feel even more out of control by telling him it's his depression talking.
let him figure it out. Cause if you have to do all that work... what are you gaining?
I completely believe in unconditional love. And totally get the bipolar/depression/anxiety thing. But it's really no excuse. At some point he's gonna have to fight back, and if you're worth it to him... he will.
It just may take him more time than you'd like.
So you have to make a choice... TO WAIT? or TO MOVE ON?
Cause to control... or pursue... are both the wrong choice.
Especially in this case... where he's feeling unstable.
he may be trying to protect you from him.
But in the end... when a guy realizes he's got the girl he wants to spend forever with... he'll never let her completely go.
So don't worry every little thing is gonna be alright.
I wish you the best.
He lives an hour away from me, and I was getting ready this morning to head up for the weekend. He sent me a text that he was coming down to see me. I was confused. He was so cryptic, that I got a sense of dread throughout my body. I asked him if we were OK and he said that is why he wanted to see me. I called him, and asked him to at least tell me he wasn't coming over to break up with me. He said he couldn't tell me that. While I was waiting for him, I panicked, cried and was hysterical. I called my Mom and she said to listen to him, hear him and tell him that he could break up with me, but I wasn't going to break up with him. I know there isn't anyone else, I knew that he was probably going to try and shield me from the darkness of his feelings.
He came over and looked pale, sick, tired and thin. I walked over to him and without saying a word just held him close. I was quiet and waited for him to speak. We sat together on the couch, in each others' arms, holding hands. Then he told me he was unraveling, had been for weeks, and was paranoid and hearing voices. And that he was there to break up with me. I listened to him, held him and was very calm. I asked him if breaking up with me would help his problems. He said he needed to be alone to work things out; that he needed to go to his counselor and his doctor for help. I asked him if he still loved me. He does. I told him that even though we aren't married, our relationship is for better or worse, in sickness and in health. I told him I was not going to let him push me away and that we weren't breaking up, but I would give him the time and space he needs. I told him that even if he didn't love himself or have faith in the future, I have enough of both for the both of us, and that I wanted to be his friend when he needs one. He agreed to my compromise. We are still in a relationship. I am still his girlfriend and he is still my boyfriend. I asked if I could call him in two weeks and if he would take my call. He said yes. I said that maybe after the holidays were past we could meet to re-evaluate where we were at. I told him I love him no matter what, that I won't let him push me away and that he can trust me to give him what he feels he needs.
Now I am just waiting, holding my breath, hoping he gets the help he needs and praying that we come through this stronger than ever. I am posting this, looking for some hope that everything can be OK again.
Then the next day, he broke up with me. I was like "What?" I was so confused and in shock, i really didn't know what to think about it. I kindof didn't believe him again. Though he didn't say it when i did, i knew he loved me, cause he treated me like he did. I was like... what is he afraid of?? I was definitely the cool gf who respected, and loved him well, as well as was independent and strong. I always think of his needs, and seek to be understanding. Anyways. So i left him that day for a little while, and went to talk to his mom there about what happened. I told her how i didn't really understand what he was doing or why. When he broke up he said that he didn't really know why he was breaking up, but that he just felt there was something missing in him that he wanted to feel. When i was gone, he texted me and asked me where i went. I told him i was with a friend, and would be home soon. He then called his mom, and was crying to her... not knowing i was there listening. He cried more than i cried. I didn't cry, cause i didn't really believe it. I was still in shock. I cried a little, just not as much... until i got back later. I went back to him, and the first thing he said to me was "i don't want to break up, i just feel like i have to." I was like "who told you that? why do you feel that?" He said that he didn't know why he felt that, but that he felt he needed to break up. I accepted it, and told him that i would try to respect him in that, and that i felt the right thing for me to do was to wait for him to figure it out. To wait for him. After crying and talking... for an hour, he told me "I DO Love you! I DO. I know i haven't been that great lately, and haven't been fair to you." He also said "i feel like i'm gonna hurt you, and i don't want to." I was confused. He is telling me that he loves me for the first time... while being broken up with??? I mean... that's confusing!! I know him well enough to know he wouldn't say that just to manipulate me, or the situation. He genuinely was in love and loved me. I already knew that though, but hearing him say that then... was very confusing. So i asked him... "what is it that you want?" He then said.. "I don't want to break up! I am sorry! you are soooooo good to me! I don't want to lose you. Please forgive me for having doubts, and etc." I was like... "Man! that's alot of drama... but i love this guy, and want to be with him through this confusion in himself." I knew that it had nothing to do with me, and i think that's why i was so strong in it. I mean... he just would constantly tell me how wonderful i was, and how he couldn't believe we weren't fighting like normal people... and how we were being good to eachother while breaking up. I mean i think it made him love me more, and vice versa. So we were back together, and i had to go home the next day. That day... his mom asked him "do you feel better broken up, or together." he assured her that he knew he just freaked out, and that staying together was definitely the right decision. Two weeks later... he's emailing me (yeah... lame)... saying that breaking up is the right decision. I'm like "What?" again... perplexed. I asked him to have a real convo with me on the phone, and he did the next day. He told me that he loves me, respects me, thinks only good things about me, but he's just not "in love" or "feeling comfortable." I mean... i really don't understand how you're best friends with a guy for 4.5 months sooooooo comfortable, and he's telling his whole world about you... then dating him... and him head over heels in love... then nothing changed... no drama from me... no pressure... just the cool gf. And BAM! he wants to break up? I don't get it. I still don't get it. I really don't get why he told me he loved me for the first time while breaking up the first time, and then practically begging me to take him back. I have heard of guys saying that they love you again... when breaking up to make it easy... but why even bring that factor in at all? I mean i have no doubt he does love me, his actions toward me were nothing but love. I understand he's just not ready for a relationship, cause he's not feeling strong enough emotionally. Or something. But what i don't get... is what am i supposed to do over here? or even think? It's so hard to really know what to do. I mean i'm gonna wait for him, but as far as... should i talk to him, or leave him be? I mean... he's not being honest with himself. He says he doesn't like me, then that he REALLY does. He says he wants to date... then really wants to... then doesn't... then really does want to. (oh i forgot to say that before i went out there again... he made a point to let me know that he wasn't yet in love with me, and felt it was too early to be saying that... which really hurt. I wasn't expecting him to, nor did i say it). So he told me he didn't love me... then he does while breaking up... then he does still while breaking up again?
This is craziness. And sad.
I feel like if he were just a little older, or some time passed a bit more between me and his ex (more than 8 months)... than maybe he would have been a bit more ready for me when i came along.
Now i'm wondering... is he gonna just let me go like that? or come to his senses?
His mom is very confused. She said that he's never been happier than when he's been with me. That she's never seen him so FREE. She said... she didn't even know he wasn't free until she saw him free with me.
It's just strange.
And he wont talk to me right now, and says friends is not possible.
What is he so afraid of intimacy? of being in a relationship? You gotta take a chance.
I mean he did... then back.
He told me that he thinks he struggles with depression and bipolar behaviors... and i already know he's got an anxiety issue, and fears trusting a girl with his heart.
I just was so trustworthy, and he knew that... so i'm a bit perplexed.
Wait for him.
It's really all you can do.
Maybe send a reminder, and stop by once (just once)... after a few months. To allow him to know he hasn't lost you already... but give him space to figure some stuff out first.
I'm sorry that you are hurting, and sad, and confused.
Some advice... don't try to keep him as your bf. Let him have some space, unless he says he wants to stay together himself. Don't tell a guy he "can't break up" that's a wrong decision. If he's gonna break up, he'll find a way.
All you can do... is stay true to yourself, and your heart.
Somehow... in the right time... things will fall as they should.
Just stay true to yourself. Don't allow yourself to be not valued.
Bipolar or not... you don't need to add your own personal depression along with it!
Best of luck :-)
I have a boyfriend of two years who has always expressed love, admiration, gentleness and kindness to me. He and I had huge plans to marry and start a family. We had our disagreements and he would chase me and call me three times a day to make up with me if he sensed I was angry, upset.
He moved to a different part of a country, I had plans to find work there and move there with him after we were married.
I flew there to see him. I noticed something in him, he often became anxious quite easily and it raised his blood pressure significantly, giving him bad headaches.
There were periods in which he would smile kindly and hold me and treat me like a queen. Then, there were periods in which he would seem to sit still, stare into space without an expression on his face, and become very cold, refused to tell me if something was bothering him.
The night before I was going to fly home, I called him up, sensing yet another change in him.
I asked him what was wrong, was he hiding something from me?
He said he didn't want to stress me out. He said ' you want to know the truth? WE DON'T CLICK. WE ARE NOT COMPATIBLE.'That is the truth.'
When he said the words, my chest tightened and I felt like screaming but I could not. I felt my whole world turn upside down.
'What do you mean??' I asked hysterically.'We have known eachother two years, how are we not clicking and incompatible NOW?'
He said, he had been feeling it for a long time but was hiding it and we had 'nothing in common, NOTHING'...he couldn't even talk to me.
At this point, I could not say a word. My mind reeled. He snorted ' you seem surprised. You MUST have noticed it...didn't you??' He said.
I asked him if he wanted to call it quits and make it a clean break. He hesitated. He asked, why did I want to do that?
Then he said fly back home, just relax and we would 'talk' as we are two adults and then we'd 'finalize it all'.
The next few hours, I could not sleep. The next day, I could not bring myself to eat anything all day. My whole body was cramped, I felt nausea.
I flew back home, feeling sick to my stomach, sad, weak, alone and lost.
I called him when I got home. He broke up with me then. I asked him if we can work things out. He said he 'did not believe so, because it would just drag this on and on and on'.
The next morning, he texted me, asking how I am doing. I texted him back that I am doing fine. He texted 'cool'. The same night, he send me an email, outlining reasons why he was leaving me. He said we are two different people from two different worlds and I deserve to be with somebody who will love me unconditionally. He said, he will always remember me and will never regret getting to know me.
The next day, I lost control and almost went crazy. My family was watching me lose it emotionally. I begged them to put an end to my misery. I love this man, and I was losing him, I cannot bear the pain. Just as I was going through this, he texted me again, asking me to 'feel free to call him any time'.
He called me the next day, saying he wanted me to stop thinking of reasons why he broke up with me and it 'just didn't work out'. He said, he could not see a marriage with me working out in the future. We said our goodbyes. Again, he said ' feel free to call me anytime. If you don't want to call then that is your choice'/
Looking back now, I remember his moods would abruptly change from mr. sweet and considerate to irritable, annoyed, critical and cranky. His moods would change every now and then. He often did not remember things he said to me, his memory of events were warped and he got confused when I would point out to him what actually happened because, in his mind, he remembered things differently ( that is, he actually believed events occurred differently in his warped memory. He would believe another person made a specific statement when he, himself, said the sentence to the other person).
He is a very sharp, calculating person. I love him with all my heart and have been going through intense emotional pain since he left me, grief I did not even feel when a parent of mine passed away.