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I'm the kind of person that can't shut off my brain, there is so many things going on in there that seep out and cause problems. I've read many mental disorder information done tests but am afraid to seek medical advice or talk to a counsellor. At a young age I would see things, now I thought it may be due to me living across from the cemetary but i'm sure it was real, but no one believed me, now that i'm a bit older I don't know if i should believe me. I would have a constant struggle against my own brain, that's where I thought I had a multiple personality and I would suffer blackouts and not know what happened. I have dreams and memories of events that don't add up and people know me by a different name. I called it like an alter ego or something, whatever it was, was pure evil. My 'alter ego' would constantly cause trouble for me and I would cop every verbal or physical blow.

Anyway back to my young age. One instant at an old abandoned farm house, me and some other explored there, I went in and was chased by dead flying pigs! Now I know it sounds crazy but I saw them! I used to see a dark shadow figure in my room which would disappear when I turned the light on and reappear when it was off. People would say that I was just seeing things as if they were hallucinations or something!

I thought may be I was a bit schizophernic as I have always had constant struggles with voices in my head, I have a fear of satelites reading my mind, I had constant thoughts of suicide and have tried on a few occassions. I would also hear and smell things others couldn't which was strange to me. I'm constantly told i'm weird or even crazy because of this. So I think it's a bit worse cause I can't tell what's real and what's not real. I get told i'm living in a fantasy world that i'm not here in reality.

I also read about Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder. I felt it was talking about me, how i attack people indirectly, how the words 'resentment, stubbornness, procrastination and intentional failure at doing requested tasks' sounds just like me. How my realtionship is always in a 'battlefield' of hostility and conflict and then I would practically beg for forgiveness only for it to happen all over again.

I'm always paranoid, willing to start a fight, i'm manipulative, I lie a lot, I criticise everything and everyone and over emotional. There's so much going on I don't know if I can stop it all. Even writting this is making me angry but I need to know if I have a problem or just going completely insane!

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I think its clear that there is something going on in your mind and it is stressing you out a lot. I know that it can be really hard but you should talk to someone about it, i know when i started to talk about my problems it got easier. It can be a real struggle so you can talk to someone other then a counselor, i started talking to my best fried about it, and then when he became my boyfriend it made it easier again then he kinda persuaded me to see a counselor. I know it sounds stupid, but talking about it really is the first step to recovery. I hope you sort out your problem, because it must be really hard.
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Thanks BlackCherry0107. But I find it hard to talk to people about what i'm going through, i'm not a confident person and when I try talking to somebody it turns into a big joke. I thought may be it would be easier talking through here as it is not face to face but even this is hard. I blame myself for everything even when it's not my fault, everything feels harder and harder and all I want is for it to end.
Because of what i'm going through i'm losing everyone, how can they understand me if I don't understand me? I get into fights with everybody whether it's verbal or physical I just lash out. No one can help me.
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I know it can be rally hard, and i understand that its harder face to face. And my problem used to lose me all my friends so i can totally understand that it is hard. There will be people to help, somewhere you just need to find them, and there area llways the people on here that can help because there may be people inyour position. Dont give up, and it is definatly not your fault. I used to blame myself and it just made things a lot worse. All mental disorders can be helped in some way, it is very hard to get rid of them. For me, the first step to recovary was to talk to someone, i am very shy too so i found it very difficult. Please just talk to someone, you do not have to live like this, there is allways a way. I know i sound very optimistic about everything but i didnt used to be like this at all, i know how small things can help because the small things helped me a lot. Please, please, please, dont blame your self or give up hope.

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Thank you

I have made a post called 'I just need to talk' and am expressing everthing i'm going through. I'm still afraid to talk to someone face to face, at least opening up here I may be able to find people like me who experience the same problems and hopefully someone canshow me the way to fix my mind.

Everytime I open up I just want to cry.
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I really do hope you can get help. You don't have to life in pain and you shouldnt. You seem like you honestly want to get better and i thinkthats great cuz some people just do it for all the wrong reasons. Hope you get better and talk to anyone who can help. 

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It sounds to me like you have a psychotic illness (sounds scary but it really isn't, I do!) So there are the personality disorders like borderline personality etc which would explain the manipulation. There is Bipolar disorder (what I have) which would explain the aggression and seeing things (I saw things as a youngster and teenager, ghosts etc) And schizophrenia which doesn't sound very likely. It is common to have bipolar disorder and a personality disorder at the same time, plus anxiety (also manifests as paranoia).
Please don't be afraid to get help, I was petrified of seeing someone and hearing something scary, but it wasn't bad at all, doctors get it all the time and psychotic illnesses are much more common than people think. Treatment is awesome, after a year of being treated for Bipolar, OCD, anxiety, paranoia and phobia's, my life has improved immeasurably!
The worst bit is the not knowing and speculating all of the scary possibilities, please trust me. What you're going through right now is the scary bad bit.
Medical help makes things so so much better and I sincerely hope you see someone and improve like I did.
Best of luck!!
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Thanks, i've been reading about different types of mental disorders even did some online tests and keep getting told i'm more likely to have Schizophrenia or personality disorder rather than Bipolar, not that i'm saying you're wrong or anything, I just wish I could get answers without seeing a doctor or phychiatrist. I do however get quite paranoid feeling as though everywhere I go i'm being followed or spied on.

With me when I think 'mental illness' I feel like i'm going to be locked up and that makes me freak out about talking to a medical professional about my problems.

I've even searched for free online counselling with no luck. I will keep doing my research and if I don't find the answer myself, I may need help talking to the professional.
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Ok i've just recently found out that my grandad has bipolar, so is it genetic? He's in denial even though he was diagnosed by his doctor for it. He's aggressive, tries picking fighs with everybody, says everyone else is wrong but him and he's been doing some pretty weird things at home that i've been told.

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It is a genetic illness, my grandfather also had bipolar and probably my dad too but he is in denial :). Bipolar is a lot more varied and extreme than people realise. I too thought I had schizophrenia because of hearing and seeing crazy things and thinking I could fly etc. But bipolar type 1 with psychotic features (what I have) can manifest very similar to schizophrenia. They don't tell you THAT on wikipedia!!!
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Hmm that's interesting so Bipolar can be similar to Schizophrenia? Because i've been researching mental illnesses and doing quizzes etc and couldn't pin point anything I may have. I am afraid to seek medical advice as my 'other person' has buried into my head that I will be locked up in a funny farm D;

Anyway thanks again for your comments
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Yeah when I was really freaked out about myself I self-researched too and did tests etc and I was pretty damn confident I actually didn't have bipolar, shocked the hell out of me when they said I did! I too was (and still kind of irrationally am) scared of the funny farm hahahaha
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I want to get help but I can't afford it right now unless I find a free one. I do see doctors about other things I suffer from but they are not exactly useful in finding those problems out either. I feel lke i'm a medical mystery!
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I know that feeling!! I still feel like a riddle wrapped in a mystery. I'm in Australia, so I can see doctors for free, or at least get a lot of my money back and my medication is very very cheap. Which is lucky because I'm a young single mother on a disability pension and am subsequently quite poor hahahaha. Hmmm... try looking up CBT techniques in the mean time and try work on them. Pretty disappointing advice but without a doctors help I'm not sure what you can do.
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Thanks heaps, I haven't been able to find anything free here unless its like family planning which I had been seeing for other things but they were unhelpful so went to my doctor and got referals all over the place and they were even more useless. I lose hope very quickly and that's when I think of death. Australia? i'm sure it's a lot warmer then here right now.
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